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E - Everyone

{our universe goes here}

by manilla


A/N: In brackets are some edits.

his silence is my chaotic cacophony,

with thoughts of him hissing and burning like unwanted scars

the dreaded wound of shame to my nebula of small pride.

--

it's cliché, but it's true, for often he

laughs, causing a shattering of my façade to let me see the stars[,]

who tell all the times i dropped my childish smile, and to us both, lied.

--

we're clumsy in our own way, let's see

the times where i wrote him in my memoirs

to recollect the galaxy of dreams i had and then denied.


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248 Reviews


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Wed Feb 27, 2019 1:10 am
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silented1 wrote a review...



his silence is my chaotic cacophony, This is a nice line.

with thoughts of him hissing and burning like unwanted scars I'd remove unwanted scars because the next line has dreaded wound in it. It's a similar imagery and both are not needed.

the dreaded wound of shame to my nebula of small pride. Wonderful.

--

it's cliché, but it's true, for often he bring laughs up to this line, it will read better.

laughs, causing a shattering of my façade to let me see the stars[,]This line and the next are very similar again. To us both, lied, is a good line but it needs more to it. Try to get more descriptive with your poem.

who tell all the times i dropped my childish smile, and to us both, lied.This line is so similar because it says what the other line tried to say. You dropped your childish smile as in shattering your facade. Try to replace one of them, i recommend the facade line to be replaced.

--

we're clumsy in our own way, let's see This enjambment is not too bad. Well done.

the times where i wrote him in my memoirs You should totally use the imagery of space / sky in this more. Like, you wrote memories down in comets across the sky, edging away from the galaxy that I built and denied. Something.

to recollect the galaxy of dreams i had and then denied. Love this last line, very well done.

Your poem is personal and emotional. Like! You should refine it more and include more metaphor or imagery in it, and try to make it more like a story, since it's like a narrative piece. Best of luck.




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Tue Feb 26, 2019 6:41 am
fraey wrote a review...



Hi, there manilla! Popping by to give you a review on this poem of yours. Let's go over these stanzas one by one and then dive into what I imagine this could mean overall.

Stanza One:

This is an interesting start to an apparent romance/love poem. I will always enjoy a compare and contrast element, especially with metaphors. "Silence/cacophony" is a complex piece to sort through, as "silence" brings to mind a neat empty room of sorts, but blended in from the speaker's view of their own loud noises. This can pack a bit of a punch to the reader, to really get them to relate to words of such opposite pictures both happening at once. However, it's a bit difficult to connect this first line with the following two.

I like the "cacophony" to "thoughts/hissing" but "unwanted scars" doesn't fit in as much to me here. Without that line, the "burning" of one's brain then slots nicely with "the dreaded wound" since another way of saying this could be "burning like / a dreaded wound." The image of a nebula is also interesting, in lieu of saying like one's brain, the "main" stage of someone's train of thoughts and such. I think these second and third lines are a little too wordy in their current form, as there are so many different images happening all at once.

I do like this opening stanza, but I think taking out a few words could really help this poem flow better and give a more concise meaning. I'm interpreting this first stanza as the speaker thinking of this other person and when he won't speak/talk to them, they fall further into that realm of being ashamed they couldn't speak up themselves to their apparent crush.

Stanza Two:

This is also an interesting section here, but I think it's again too wordy, in a couple of places. Having a direct note of "it's cliche" usually helps weave the reader into the type of thinking the poem has itself, which is a neat effect, or trying to jump into this specific scene. The use of "cliche" is admittedly, (almost a cliche itself) but in a romantic poem trying to show someone the mindset of someone with a crush, it's a decent placement. However, I think that the addition of "for often he" is an odd place to skip to the next line.

I'm not quite sure the effect you were looking for by having the next line starting with "laughs" but I think switching out "every time" instead of "for often" would help connect these lines. In continuation, I think that next has some neat verbs but has quite a few words to form one whole image. I'd say keep "shatter" but not "causing" to better insert "every time he laughs" or even "for when he laughs / my facade shatters" and then get into the image of the stars twinkling and speaking to the narrator in the next line. Thus, I think the last line could end in something like "the stars that remind me of when I lost / my childish smile and lied to us all."

Overall, I like this second stanza as well, but I think the meaning is spread too thin across a few nice uses of figurative language. Basically, I feel like this part of the poem is going over the fact that it's hard for the speaker to stay out of their love-filled mind or maybe it's hard not to want to hope they could eventually be with their crush, but then reality hits them and they have to face what they think is the truth, talking to themselves.

Stanza Three:

I do like the first line here, I think it's pretty relatable and kind of cute really. "We're clumsy" is an instant way to place people in imaginary awkward situations. This also lightens up the tone in a certain way, by using "clumsy" as a sweet adjective here and a mild way of "making fun" if that makes sense. I think the "let's see" is a weird insert here, as it kind of draws me out of the image of awkward kids. Maybe if it was in italics and/or viewed and pushed off to make it more of an aside? In its current state, it reads a bit odd, to have the speaker reflecting off a reflection.

From there, I like "wrote him in my memoirs" quite a lot. I think what could work here is minimizing how many words you've put at the front of this, as that one line alone brings a real clear image of a person scribbling cutesy lines of liking this kid, which is kind of cute and relatable as well to I'm sure a large population of people at some point in their lives. The words "the times where" could be easier to read as "like when" to keep the line more intact, in addition, there's a possible place for a comma at the end of the second line.

To end, I think a nice final line is to keep the first part of "recollect the galaxy of dreams" but I'd recommend to give a more personal taste on that, and switch "the" for "my" and then end the poem like that, on "recollect my galaxy of dreams." I think that links back nicely with the title and just gives a nice ending in general.

Overall, I really like this poem - I think there are some nice lines in this, and the images are really nice. The linkage of stars and galaxies and the universe would be cool to see expanded, and even widening the whole "cachophony" image that's very packed would be cool to read a later version.

Nice poem manilla <3




manilla says...


Thanks!




We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead