Young Writers Society

Hi,
This is a great song - the flow of your lines read better as a song rather than a poem. I LOVE the woodland imagery you've used - maybe you could even develop this into a short story. The emotions and themes have been crafted fantastically - you really have captured a feeling that we all feel, in a unique but relatable way so well done for that. Honestly, I have no suggestions for improvement other than keep writing and I look forward to reading more of your brilliant work soon

this is an incredible song and just me with my horrible voice can tell it is MUCH better than some of the songs out there (looking at you baby shark) and i think you should definitely produce it further. I loved the way you explained all the feelings your 'character' has. i also thought the way you used metaphors tied the whole thing together. When you said,"the truth's bitter cold" i felt the way your character felt. like being told the truth was much worse than being told a lie.

Some suggestions I have
I definitely think that this song could use more of a rhyme pattern, most of it was near or half rhymes.

and thats basically all, this song is amazing and I think you could really go places with it

Your friend
Evz

hey there ! stygianmoon17 here for a review <3

And yesss make this a song !! sing to it !!! do everything you want with it because it's awesome
I listen to mainly rock and heavy metal, which don't exactly match this song xD, but the emotion, the build-ups, it's just so perfect *chef's kiss*

I think the biggest problem is the absence of rhyme. Since you posted this in the poem section, this should have a semblance to a poem I suppose,

Now rhymes aren't a necessity everywhere, but when you're listening to a song, and there's a build up, and the explosion comes at the end with a beautiful rhyme- well it leaves such a trace on you, in a way non-rhyming explosions could never hope to achieve.

So maybe the places where you said there was the most energy, like the third stanza, for example you could do, instead of

"Waking up from a dream

I thought we were both reigning queens

But the truth’s bitter cold

And the fantasy I wrote

Is nothing but lines to the dead"

The first two sentences rhyme, so it kinda makes a AABBC rhyming scheme, but maybe something like

1. "But the truth's bitter cold/ And the fantasy I wrote/ Is nothing but (something that rhymes with cold, like "gold", "mold," "told", etc)

or

2. "But the truth's (something that rhymes with dead, like "fed", "red", "lead/ led" etc) / And the fantasy I wrote/ Is nothing but lines to the dead"

and since your last powerful chorus ends the same way as this one, it could mirror it. For example, for the first powerful chorus you use my 1. and for the last powerful chorus, the 2.


But again it's just tiny stuff I'm mentioning here, and really it's up to you.
Please send me the link when you make this into a song <3