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hypothetically - NaPo 4/12/2019

by manilla


i could collect

some song lyrics and piece them together,

bit by bit

would i create a masterpiece?



comes and goes

too quickly, before i can gather my senses-

and realize

that it would return.



as i sit in a noisy crowd with nothing to do

ideas will come

and i must let them free-


they escape my fragile grasp.

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1135 Reviews

Points: 44570
Reviews: 1135

Thu Apr 18, 2019 12:59 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...

Hey there!

So apparently Bit By Bit is a song. I stopped googling lines when I realized that only one line in the first stanza was a song... but! I have discovered a song! XD It would've been super fun to see familiar song titles mixed into this piece just because of that line. Not overdone, of course, but just a tieback.

That's not what we're going for here though! It's an accurate depiction of being stuck, not knowing what to write, trying to trigger inspiration. The last stanza had an excellent image of the writer, pen at the ready, for even the smallest idea to write down.

I also like the line breaks here, how it makes it feel thoughtful and floaty, like their imagination is slowly leaping through clouds, looking for their next big idea.

The middle verse could probably use a little rewording. "Creativity / comes and goes / too quickly" is an beautiful start to this stanza, but the rest of it kind of falls flat. I guess I expected the stanza to end with the realization that they missed the idea, not the realization that the idea would return. I expected a negative reaction, not a positive one. This is probably because of how "before I can gather my senses / and realize" is phrased.

It was the only thing that caught my eye though. This piece is simple, and it should be. The pacing was done extremely well. I nice gem to find in your NaPo adventures. Well done!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

manilla says...

Thanks for the review!

I actually didn't use any song lyrics/titles in this piece intentionally, but nice catch.

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42 Reviews

Points: 122
Reviews: 42

Wed Apr 17, 2019 8:47 am
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lolosboing wrote a review...

I like how you describe the feeling of thinking of ideas. This is something that a lot of writers can really relate to—I think you're describing what it's like to have a writer's block? I think that this poem has a lot of potential to be more passionate!

If you added onto the idea you had in the beginning, the question of if the piecing together of song lyrics would create a masterpiece. I think I kind of get what you're trying to say, but I'm not sure. I think you should add some more content to the entire piece in general? If you built on your existing ideas and went deeper into what you're trying to say, your piece could be much more meaningful.

Your poem has ideas with a lot of potential and I think it could be really good!


manilla says...

thanks for the review!

If you have to ask, "Is this cliche?", it probably is.
— - no name -