Young Writers Society

Note - Commas added.

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this wonderful poem expressing appreciation for the noble and loving behavior of your dad. I like the way that the poem is organized with each stanza focusing on a different time period. Also the pace contributes to the mood of respectful appreciation. Not every parent is as fortunate as this. Some children grow up to be ingrates regardless of how well they have been treated. In fact, some even turn out to be outright enemies. So good parental behavior isn’t a guarantee of appreciation, but it does vastly improve the chances that the children will be grateful, which is of course the natural reaction to being treated with loving concern and decency.


Suggestions

Suggestions

I personally would have enjoyed reading it more with regular punctuation, so my advice is based on that. When each line starts with a capital, I pause because I am not sure whether I am starting a new sentence or continuing the one above.

Sometimes I have to stop and start over because I make the mistake of continuing after a slight pause when I was suppose to come to a full stop. This is made more serious if we use commas instead of periods because commas are telling me to pause and not stop.

If I pause and then I find that I needed to stop, then I will have misread it and the reading experience can become choppy via a distracting stop-and-start sequence. So in my opinion, fixing this would be an improvement. Below are some punctuation and other suggestions tjhat I feel will improve readability.


I don't remember the day I was born[.]

I bet you do, though[.]

[ . . . and] all I can do is believe that 's true[.]

You lifted me higher than I had ever been before[.]

In your strong arms I knew I wouldn't fall[.]

As a young child I screamed [for] joy[.]

Mom looked on with a mock caution[.]

Her smile just as obvious as yours[.]

We were happy, and I [wished] we'd always be.

[. . . w]hether I was okay

[ . . . even] though it was a small scrape

[ . . . so easily covered with a Band-Aid[.]

Hot Saturday evening recalled[:]

It was maybe a June or July, 2012[,]

[ . . . the] humidity of the air clinging to our shirts

[a]s we dipped our feet into a liquid-soft sky.

[b]eing number two in our Florida home.

The refreshment of the pool is still amazing[.]

[f]our years [after] living in that house[.]

Inside the twisting corridors of my colorful mind[,]

I realized you did nothing to deserve my tears[,]

[f]or you were fulfilling your [fatherly] responsibility

[of bringing] change and [teaching] me how to move on.

--

We stand here now as a family[.]

I'm different and you are too[.]

But what's true is that you are my father[,]

[m]y one and only father - [a]nd you

[w]ill always be.

Happy Father's Day, Dad[!]

Wow! I got goosebumps reading this poem. Especially, the last stanza did something to me. Your poem laid am emphasis on father's love. I felt the love the speaker has for his father.

The poem is well- established, there was a smooth establishment from the starting to the end. Amazing and strong lines.

LOVED IT!

Favorite lines:

"We left the life I was beginning to establish

Four years later from living in that house

Inside the twisting corridors of my colorful mind

I realized you did nothing to deserve my tears

For you were fulfilling your father's responsibility

To bring change and teach me how to move on. "

--

YOu are of much potential, Looking forward for more of your works to read. Awesome writing

A very moving poem. So thoughtful of you to post this.

Hope your dad is proud of you.

Hey there, Manilla !!

This is Eros here for a quick little review for this wonderful poem of yours...

Well I was just going through the Green room after a long time and this title is what caught my attention... And I just clicked on it with a little excitement to see something new and unique, and guess what ! I was so right at thinking it all !

This work is presented in a really smooth manner, I would say literally as smooth as a silk cloth. The phrases you have used, conveys each and every feelings. The choice of set of words you have used, are not just plain words. They are the language of feelings and deep emotions... Feelings of trust towards your father, the feelings of love etc.

Apart from the feelings you, as a beloved child of your dad and mom, you have also described the feelings of your dad, like the feelings of care when his child gets injured, even if the injury is just as little as a scrap.

Everything is expressed in such a deep style that---- I am speechless.

Then, the format of the poem is very proper... And so is the title. The title is short, sweet, and catchy. I also wanted to say that you have a style unique in itself, for its simple language, that is easy to understand. Many a times, using simple language than using a language adorned with some decorative words and phrases is better, especially while conveying some deep feelings.

At the end, I would say that it is a really beautiful piece of poetry. It is simply amazing and AWESOME.

Keep it up !

Keep writing, for we all love to keep reading such sweet stuff !

Have a good day/ night !

~Eros.

Your father is very blessed to have a son who appreciates his efforts the way you do.
Thanks for posting this wonderful poem!

halo there I am hear to review this, okay good name that is the first thing, I don't remember the day I was born, okay first of all wouldn't you remember you it from your birthday, I bet you do, though, this is not riming very well with the first word that you stated with as well, Mom looked on with a mock caution, Mock is not very cool,
Mom looked on with a mock caution, Mom looked on with Caution, you see the differents in it, Hot Saturday evening recalled, this I think should have an A ofer at the beginning of the line, We left the life I was beginning to establish,
1We left the life I was beginning to establish, We left the left the life I was beginning,
2 We left the life I was beginning to establish, I was beginning to get more established,
so that was all I do hop that this was help fill to you, and be free to ask some questions,

@MoonFlower out to see the Moon and the Flowers, you all to,