https://open.spotify.com/track/0Ez0HcZneugrMqIYjlm...
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What I asked for was simple at the time
It came to me, drifting, and I decided to reach for it
The fabric was so thin it snagged in my fingers
I spent the time untangling it, staring at it
It was so visible compared to the rest of the world
Even as I discarded it into the wind
It was a vivid dot against gray.
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It had life.
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I blinked a few times as I walked on, looking
At the palms of my hands, which were painted
With the same vibrance like the cloth
I watched this light travel through my body
Down to the floor, onto the pavement
Up, up, into the sky.
The dashes and streaks of dullness
Became light hues of crisscrossing light
Each object vied for my attention
It had something different about it
Even in the chaos, these forms all blended together.
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I felt real.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Heya, Manilla. This is Casanova here for a review. Anyway, let's get to it.
I'll be breaking this down.
When I read this i had the faint feeling of being choked by adjectives and verbs. I would actually suggest dialing down a bit on those and just focus on the story that you're trying to tell here. I would suggest just keeping the flow up, keeping the story going, and don't try to over do it with the verbs- that's the main killer here. Now I'm not saying take metaphors out of your story- no no no, keep them, but learn how to describe what you're talking about without actually coming out and saying what you're talking about, if that makes any sense. Anway, onward.
This is a bit better, you're telling your story, but now it just seems a bit dry of emotion the reader is supposed to feel, so i would suggest throwing together some images than mean a lot to you and relate to this and use those instead of bland narration, but that's just my view of that subject.
These were easily my favourite lines from the entire poem- the are portraying exactly what I was talking about earlier in the poem, and I think if the entirepoem was done like this it would be absolutely excellent, but I'm just a critic who doesn't even read poetry, nor like it(Although I do write a crap tone of it)
Any way overall I like your idea and I would like to see it executed with a sharp eye and pen.
Keep on doing what you're doin, I hope this helped and if you need help or have questions, feel free to find me.
Sincerely, Casanova
This is late, but thanks for the review!
Hello, It is Be!!!
I am gonna try to review this....
First off, I wanna say that this is so good, I loved it.
And alos here are a few really small problem:
"What I asked for was simple at the time
It came to me, drifting, and I decided to reach for it
The fabric was so thin it snagged in my fingers"
This was a little confused, because i'n couldnt understand what the 'it' was...
Honestly, this is all that I didnt understand form this....
I loved this, it was so true...
my favorite part is:
"I blinked a few times as I walked on, looking
At the palms of my hands, which were painted
With the same vibrance like the cloth
I watched this light travel through my body
Down to the floor, onto the pavement
Up, up, into the sky.
The dashes and streaks of dullness"
I loved this, keep writing, ~Be.