My mortality is only fleeting,
Soon I will be most destructive.
"I do not care who I have to tarnish to please this surging hurt!"
I need to exclaim my intentions,
The plans for my body.
These white little angels,
They keep floating in my hand.
I'm sure these saccharine beings,
Are quite burnt around the edges.
"Whisper sweet words in my ear, little ones, tell me how I act."
And oh,
Do they know what is best for me.
My angels,
They speak in unison,
"Say, big one, have you heard of heaven?"
I nod vigorously,
And they tell me of a plan,
A plan that transcends into a blessing.
"Grab us and swallow us whole,"
They told me that it will feel like honey going down my throat,
"Do it. Take yourself home!"
Screams rip out my throat,
Crawling along the walls,
Walking among the furniture.
"How come everyone hates me?!"
The angels look at each other,
False smiles,
And fleeting fangs,
For they know I was never meant to be loved.
Even through fleeting embraces,
I feel the infestation of irritation,
It drips down my throat,
As if imitating bloody molasses.
"Fill me up with this anger! Do away with what kept me the most!"
I will plead,
Pray,
And pay the angels to get what I want.
The sweet release of sleep and decay,
Oh how I wish I could stay.
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140,739 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
Hello there babydollbues!!
Here is my 250th review which would be written for you!!
Hmm... the title was very attractive and catched my eyes. I decided to pause, peep in and see what does this want to say?
And I was really influenced by the work. The first thing would be the theme of the poem. The thme was very unique. I liked this.
It was not what I thought. It was amazing. The title got m to think that it would be somewhat like a magical fairy tale with a happy ending. But it was not! This is what has impressed me the most. It was really out of the box!
Beautiful work!
I liked the choice of words you have used. They simple yet heavy. The sentences were easy to understand but a difficult to relate. It was really wonderful. I got to know the meaning behind this one. The agels lied to the narrator by provoking her to eat them. They said that it would taste like honey. But it was all false. The narrator drank it and it was eerky and maybe even poisonous.
I am sory if I misunderstood anything. Please forgive me if was a wrong interpretation.
The poem flows very well. I like how you have expressed your thoughts.
AWESOME work, babydoll!!
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such awesome works!!
Have a great day/night!
Hello! First off: take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Okay, so I've read a lot of suicide poems on this site, and this one surprised me a bit. It wasn't completely cliche, unlike most of the rest of them. You had a really interesting idea with the pill "angels." I liked that image a lot, and you really had some concepts here that weren't cliche.
And then you kinda ruined the whole "not cliche" thing starting with the line: "How come everyone hates me?!"
I mean, this went from a rather intriguing, dark, and mature outlook on suicide and then did a complete 180 turn into childishness. The clicheness then combines with vagueness and the poem stays lackluster until like, the last three or five lines, which I'm still pretty iffy on.
Like, why would the narrator kill themselves if they wanted to say? and "sweet release of sleep and decay" is definitely toeing the line of cliche. It might actually be well over the line.
But I do like the idea of a little rhyming couplet at the end of a non-rhyming poem. It does tie it together nicely. I just feel like the end could be stronger in terms of content and non-clicheness.
Actually, now that I'm reading it, the first four lines are pretty vague, awkward, and cliche as well. Honestly, in terms of cutting things out, I think you would actually have a more solid poem if you did something like this: (I may have deleted some single words in the lines too, but all I did was delete. I'm not putting any words in here because that's your job as the writer)
Spoiler
Also, you have a lot of unnecessary and just plain wrong punctuation in here. It's best to punctuate poetry like prose so that the punctuation is as invisible as possible and the poem is as seamless as it can be. I suggest putting this into just like a regular story format (without all the line breaks) and punctuating it like that before putting back in the line breaks. If you need help punctuating this like prose (punctuation is pretty hard, yo!), please let me know, and we can totally work through this poem together. This goes for anything I say. if you have any questions about implementing something I say, or just questions about my advice in general, I would be super happy to help! Discussion is always better than me just telling you what to do (and btw, you don't have to do anything I tell you. I'm just giving suggestions!).
A lot of the phrasing in this poem is very awkward and stiff. It's not the way people would actually say something. Don't be afraid of contractions in your poems. People use contractions in their speech more than they used the un-contracted forms of the words, honestly. Read each line out loud and think about if someone would actually say a phrase like that naturally. This felt very much like a "I'm trying to make this sound like a nice poem," which took SO MUCH away from the emotional aspect of it. There's really not a lot of emotion, to be honest. I didn't feel all that much while I was reading it. To really seal in the emotion, I suggest you use more sensory details (that aren't cliche).
Also, it's up to you to decide this kind of thing, but I just want to let you know that some English teachers lie when they tell you that every line in a poem has to be capitalized. Personally, I find myself getting confused about sentence structures when every line is capitalized. I think that the line is the beginning of a new sentence sometimes when they're all capitalized (and in reference to this poem, the punctuation really didn't help me hardly at all to determine straight away what was the start and end of sentences). I personally believe that the most /clear/ way of capitalization in poetry is to capitalize just like it's prose (only capitalize letters after a period or proper nouns).
Let me know if you need any help. This poem has a pretty cool concept, and I'd like to see it turned into an even better poem! Keep writing!
~fortis
Hello, I came to review this really nice poem. First of all, the title was great. It was short, simple, yet captivating and made me want to read on. I'm still not sure quite what this poem means, but I like how it is a bit abstract, because then the meaning can be changed and twisted a bit to what people want. I don't know why, but I feel like it has a very mature sense to it, and I like how it talks about the angels from a different perspective.
It's also a very unique poem, and different to what I have read before. This is my first work I have seen of yours, but it has made me want to read some of your other pieces. Keep up the good work . . . I think you are talented, and you clearly are very thoughtful!