You came at an inopportune moment,
Knocking at the door,
Yelling about your mind,
Asking me if I had the time.
--------------------------------------
You let yourself in,
Saying you need to let it out,
You were heaving about a year ago,
Sobbing that you cannot forget this ache,
You cannot get rid of this scar.
--------------------------------------
I am telling you this once,
Please do not remind me,
Do not tell me what I know.
------------------------------------
I know I am you,
And you are me,
But I search for differences,
Ones in which you are a pathetic reflection,
And I am the most wretched creature in God's eyes.
--------------------------------------
Look at us,
Look at the numb hole in our side,
The fingers twitching,
Hear the words beneath our breath,
Two pitiful stitched together twins.
---------------------------------
I get on with my life,
But still there is this wretched part!
The other me,
You.
--------------------------
You are the part that is stitched to me,
You are the part that whispers soft hate,
You reminded me of nauseated nights,
Leave!
---------------------------
Oh god,
Let me breathe in just this once,
Let me tell people my problems,
Let me sob to relieve,
Not just to pass the time.
----------------------------------------
Return me to my rightful youth,
A youth that was taken in twilight,
Along with my original way of thinking.
---------------------------------------------------
Let me be ignorant and childlike again,
Because I cannot stand to think like an adult!
To think about how to skirt around someone,
To think about how to avoid a heavy requiem of my own eulogy.
-----------------------------
I am yours,
It is sad to say!
Sad to say that I am enslaved by a thought,
A memory,
An abscess in my life,
A thing I thought I left behind.
------------------------------------------
I will gauge you out,
Freeing me by my own means,
Because you are a night terror,
And I do not have to be tied down to pain.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Wow, this was certainly a very deep and brooding poem. But, I understand it. I feel like the "second you" signifies depression, anxiety, or anger because these feelings, at least for me, come and go whenever they please and control your actions, words and thoughts. And they never really leave you in peace.
I like the uses of imagery in stanza 5, where you compare this unknown thing to being your twin. I also like how you treat this poem as your own personal cry for help where you mention that you wish to tell people your problems, but can't because it's as if you are trapped.
On the contrary though, sometimes your poem would have parts where it would confuse me and seemingly jump from one thing to another, just work on kind on fading out one part of your poem and slowly beginning to write about a new topic. do not directly go from one thing to another.
Other than that, your poem was pure excellence. I applaud you on an amazing piece
Wow, this was certainly a very deep and brooding poem. But, I understand it. I feel like the "second you" signifies depression, anxiety, or anger because these feelings, at least for me, come and go whenever they please and control your actions, words and thoughts. And they never really leave you in peace.
I like the uses of imagery in stanza 5, where you compare this unknown thing to being your twin. I also like how you treat this poem as your own personal cry for help where you mention that you wish to tell people your problems, but can't because it's as if you are trapped.
On the contrary though, sometimes your poem would have parts where it would confuse me and seemingly jump from one thing to another, just work on kind on fading out one part of your poem and slowly beginning to write about a new topic. do not directly go from one thing to another.
Other than that, your poem was pure excellence. I applaud you on an amazing piece.
Hi babydollblues, acm here for a short review! This was such a meaningful and deep piece, and I don't really have any big suggestions or anything that stood out to me while I was reading. The punctuation was perfect, so the poem really flowed together. I felt like I was hearing a story and watching it unfold. My only thought is that it would be easier to read if the poem was separated into stanzas. Keeping the ideas organized is like putting paragraphs into an essay-- it really helps the reader understand where the poem is going.
Anyways, that's the only thing I would change. Other than that, I thought the poem was perfect. I can't wait to read more of your poetry!
--acm
Hey Harry here for a review.
OK lets get down to it, lets start with the bad. You don't have to worry because there are not very many of them. First off try to make words rhyme and add stanzas every once in a while. Poems have rules too yes but you don't have to follow them. Now to the good things about this poem, first I loved the title it catches the readers eye. (You came at an inopportune time,
Knocking at the door,
Yelling about your mind,
Asking me f I had the time.) I like this start of the sentence because you show that you didn't want this person back but he/she wanted you back. Another thing you could add to your poem and this is just a suggestion; try to add more detail to your characters. Just a short description about what they look like. You don't have to do this because most poems don't but it was just a suggestion you don't have to do it and it is fine. You seem to love writing just by reading this poem, you put a lot of thought into what you are saying and you put your feelings into the poem like some people have trouble with. I try to practice writing about what I feel about at that time, you don't need any practice because you put so much detail into how you are feeling and that is a rare gift in such a young age. Most people don't get it in till they are like grown up and has kids. Good job on the middle too, you keep the mood and even deepen it more into the end. The ending I would have added more to it, you ended it with (And I do not have to be tied down to pain.) This is hard to follow because you make the writer feel like there should be more but that is what a writer wants because you keep your reader guessing and I love to guess about what had happened to you. So good job and Happy Writing! Keep up the good work!