You put your feelings into a fake lover,
Calling it a poem,
Calling it everything you've ever known.
"Please just love me to point of being whole!"
These words flow as the agony progresses,
This page is the sadness's home,
This black scrawl is the torturous love.
You are not in control,
The ink spills off as you bang your hands against the page,
In a blind rage,
"BeQuietBeQuietBeQuiet!",
You say to the whispered "I love you..." 's in your head.
The tendrils of your lover spiral inside the pen,
Wishing you were dead,
Wishing it was not the embodiment of woes.
The black India ink aches and thrashes against the pen,
Not wanting to again become melancholic words.
You say to yourself,
"Just until the sadness ends.",
As you dip your pen into ink yet again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi babydollblues, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful review day.
Theme: The theme you have is really interesting and I love that you used pen and paper though out the poem, it really made it intriguing to read. As for the emotion in the poem, it is definitely there in the words. I think the reason I can feel it in the words is because you chose to make all your words whole for example the line (You are not in control) You could have written it (You're not in control) but then the words wouldn't feel so powerful. I must say well done to that.
Description: Your description in here is quite good, not magnificent, but I feel that is a poem like this you don't want to over do the description. You describe a variety of senses from sight to sound and you place them in the exact right places so that it echoes the emotions. Really good job with that.
Grammar and punctuation: As for the grammar and punctuation I couldn't find any problems, but then I could be wrong for I am not an expert at poetry punctuation.
Small problems: Nothing here either.
Over all a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
I really liked this poem! I think it´s well written but still really easy to read. I also liked the use of metaphors. I look forward to reading more of you´re work, so keep writing.
I really liked this poem! I think it´s well written but still really easy to read. I also liked the use of metaphors. I look forward to reading more of you´re work, so keep writing.
I really enjoyed the language used throughout the poem, it was beautiful. That said some words are repeated unnecessarily, especially since the poem is so short. The most obvious is the use of the word again in the last two lines. I think you're a fantastic writer, with a lot of raw talent, you just need to polish tiny little things. I encourage you to keep writing, since you're awesome!
Thank you! I purposely used the word again twice but I can definitely see where you are coming from, I will definitely go back and figure out a way to replace that last again, or maybe the first one.
You're not wrong for the purposeful repetition, hell, I'm totally guilty of it myself! I love repetitive word play, its just the word choice, again. It just doesn't flow, ya know? But the poem really was lovely, through and through
How do you feel about "Not wanting to become melancholic words forever more." I was also thinking nevermore.
While both sound good, they kind of warp the meaning of the last lines, with the double negative. You could fit again between to and become so it reads like "Not wanting to again become melancholic words", cause the problem before was that two sentences ended with the same word, but you can totally repeat the word as long as its not clunky or in the same position. You get me?
Yeah, Totally. Thanks for the help!
Of course! You're welcome
I don't know how to review this because it is so good… but I guess what I'm trying to say is… THIS IS SO GOOD! Keep writing!
Thank you! aND oMG I LOVE YOUR PROFILE PICTURE, IT IS MY LIFE