Hello.
The first thing I noticed here was the punctuation, which isn't a good thing. By having a comma at the end of every line, you draw attention to it and make me scrutinize the formatting even more. I question why basically everything exists the way it does, because I feel the punctuation here hampers the message you're trying to get across.
Poetry has many possible punctuation combinations, and the linked article has examples of many different types. I'd suggest you read the article and apply the techniques within to try and edit this poem.
The reason I'm picking up on the punctuation here is I couldn't actually really grasp the full concept of the metaphor you're trying to create. From what I can tell, you're trying to show the jazz band as depression and the world around you? It's a good concept, but because every line is interrupted, I can't get any flow in the poem.
Flow is the heart and soul of every poem, and by ending on the end of a line— marking every break with a comma or period— you give us places to fall out of the poem. My eye doesn't follow one line to the next, my mind not connecting ideas because they're all so broken up. Try mixing around where you put commas and periods to see where they naturally fall. They don't have to go at the end of the line all the time.
All in all, I want to like this, but it just doesn't give me enough in one single unpunctuated chunk for me to really resonate with it. Your concept is solid, but the formatting really robs your poem of strength.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
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