They hang like gargoyles over my bed,
And live in my lungs,
Screaming for mama and things that never come.
My mouth is a grandfather clock,
Yelling about the hour,
The gargoyles laugh and whisper back,
"Why, it's half past three, the devils' time!"
And I, enraged by this fact, counteract.
"I beg your pardon! You damned fools, Have some respect for a mere mortal sin!"
But truly I am panicked,
For I have so little time left,
And everyone must pay for who they are.
The ghastly part is that you do not know the payment,
And the mortal sins are aghast at the unknown.
We, as a human whole, are cowardice creatures,
Scared of who knows.
There is no solace in the dawn,
Even though the devil has departed,
For we remember that the purpose of tonight is to go back to where we started.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey, great review to Sevro. I don't want to repeat anything she's said, so I'll just add a few things.
"Us, as a human whole, are cowardice creatures," should be "We, as a human whole..." because we say "we are" and not "us are".
Also, about the "cowardice creatures" thing: this means that they are 'creatures of cowardice', while "cowardly creatures" would mean 'creatures that are cowardly'. So, depending on what you were trying to say, I'd say that what you already have works. ^^
I also like the fluctuating line length and I think the lines flow like uneven waves, some longer and some shorter.
The syllables don't seem to have any particular structure, so there's nothing more I can say about that.
Anyway, I hope this helps in the slightest. I won't mark it as a review because it's pretty short and it's just something I wanted to add to the actual review.
Have a great day!
Hi there, babydollblues. Sevro here to review your poem.
I absolutely love this beginning. The flow is excellent, and the imagery is so creative. It's very gripping, and definitely has a dark feeling to it. Some people will tell you to elaborate and tell us who "they" are, but I happen to enjoy how vague this is. It leaves a lot of room for interpretation, which is one if the things that make poetry beautiful.
I like how you continuously make metaphors, comparing a part of your body to something inanimate. Also, bringing the gargoyles back was a good decision. It keeps everything anchored together. It's...interesting how you kind of switch from the abstract/vague way of writing to the storytelling/play-by-play style. It takes away from the spectacle of the poem, and kind of brought me back to reality, which can be good and bad. It made it more relatable for the reader, but it also dimmed the "wow" factor that the poem could have had.
"Have" shouldn't be capitalized. Again, you're slipping back and forth between abstract and storytelling, which is okay, but it can be confusing and jarring at times. On another note, I really love this concept of the bill coming at the end. After everything you've done, you'll have to pay for it eventually. You convey it really well, here especially.
The use of "ghastly" and then "aghast" right after is a little too much. Maybe replacing one of them with a different word would help with this, and it would also show off your vocabulary. I feel like "cowardice" should be "cowardly", but I'm not sure. The last line, "Scared of who knows." is a little...I don't know, abrupt, maybe? It just seems...off. I couldn't even suggest to you what to replace it with. I'm not sure. It just made me hesitate while I was reading it. But again, good portrayal of the message.
Wow. Talk about a good ending. You brought the rhyming scheme form the beginning back, which was so refreshing. It seemed to just drop out there in the middle. But the way you brought it back was phenomenal. You drifted back into the abstract, which, I think, was a great choice. It left me really stunned, and, I'll admit, it opened my eyes to this idea a lot. Just from this ending, I feel like I understand a lot more now. To give a reader that feeling is a gift.
Overall, I liked this idea, and the way you conveyed it. Your writing teases back and forth between playful and deep, which is really neat.
I hope this review helped you out!
~Sevro
It was kind of confusing how they are both over the bed and in your lungs but I think I can figure it out?
It made me feel like we are talking about the death of the human being as a whole, giving yourself as an example. Maybe I did not get it right but I love the way you had rhymed it. Not per line, but in one line and with a very good use of vocabulary. That was kind of surprising, unexpected and fantastic. A good change. Overall, I have no complains. I thing only the tittle ws the thing that confused me about what we could be talking about. That everyone needs to pay but they do not know the payment at all. Well, I like the suspense also.
Keep on writing and hope you get more reviews!