I repeat, I repeat, I repeat.

Hello there, babydollblues! I'm here to review your work. You're such a lovely writer. The way you manipulate words really catches my attention.

"I repeat, I repeat, I repeat." I love your title, it is catchy. At first, I really thought that this kind of work is somewhat related to a different topic from this one. I think the idea of yours, the idea of using repetition in words is truly attractive for some readers, or I may say, most. Just my opinion though.

I can feel some emotions while reading the parts with repetitions like,

"I am guilty.
I am guilty."

Now's the time to realize the love of our grandparents. They are different from us. They experience a lot more than we did. Your work contains a very special messages. Love it!

I do not write for this generation. I am writing for other ages. If this could read me, they would burn my books, the work of my whole life. On the other hand, the generation which interprets these writings will be an educated generation; they will understand me and say: 'Not all were asleep in the nighttime of our grandparents.' -Jose Rizal


-strwbrryyy

Hello there- Renn here.

Wow. Just... wow. I was skeptical at first, I won't lie. I expected some heartbroken teenage romance yadda yadda yadda (not that there's anything wrong with that), and got something that I think every person can relate to in a much more poignant manner. Grandparents are a tricky relationship. They truly personify the "you don't know what you had til it's gone" mentality. I agree with both BFG and Morrigan on their reviews, especially the running the words together in their repetion.

I don't have a lot to critique. I'm just impressed, honestly. There are spots that could be brushed up and improved, but they've already been covered and frankly I think the rest of the poem outweighs what could be improved.

Thank you for giving words to how countless grandchildren feel.

With regards,
- Renn

Hi babydollblues!

Interesting subject matter! It's something very relatable but, as Morrigan says, rather taboo and not often tackled. That makes this poem worth polishing!

I agree with everything Morrigan said, particularly about the repetition. I would play with it; see if snippets of the "echo" could come back in a later part of the poem, for instance. Like, how about splicing a line like "I clutch onto the cross necklace left to me, rubbing it in between my fingers" with "I'm sorry"?

I clutch onto the cross necklace left to me (I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry) rubbing it in between my fingers

It might make the haunting, echoing voice even more present, so the internal monologue and the external action are truly happening at the same time.

I really liked some of the concrete images you had--the pink shirt, the heat and the couch--and I wanted more of them. I wasn't as wild about "I should have been a better granddaughter, a better person. / Yet did I go to see you in your last few minutes?" which seemed too generic, not specific enough, and too abstract. I think it would be more powerful if you never said that the subject was the narrator's grandmother, but conveyed it through emotions. It's ok if it's a little hazy, if we just know that she was an older relative that the younger narrator blew off. Don't forget that poetry isn't limited to facts; there's no such thing as fiction or non-fiction in poetry. If this is real, don't be afraid to combine your real-life experiences into something that never happened, or make up a detail that will better convey the true feeling than an actual factual detail would have.

Thanks for the read! Keep writing!

-BFG

Hello, babydollblues!

I really, really like this, and I think it's quite effective. However, I think that you could make it even more effective. Let me look at it with a fresh set of eyes.

The device of repetition serves you better in some places in the poem than it does others. I enjoy the "I'm sorry" repetition. Also the "I'm horrible" repetition. I think that perhaps you should change the pattern of some of your repetitions rather than the whole phrase. For example, instead of repeating "no, I did not" over and over, a more effective but still repetitive way for the narrator to convey the same idea would be to say "no, I did not. Did not. Did not." I also think it would work better if it was all on the same line. That way, it's like a haunting echo, and the narrator is being haunted by guilt and grief. You could also do this with horrible and guilty as well, though that's your choice.

Repeated phrases that do not serve the poem well at all are the regret and cry ones. I feel like there's not enough content in between those sections and the other sections to warrant another one. Besides, those two are about feelings that you are already conveying in the poem. I would take them out completely.

When I saw this, I was reminded of one of my favorite poems on this site, and my mouth is just a vessel for the medicine by Kafkaescence. Particularly the part with the repetition of sorry. I imagine the narrator saying this very quietly to themselves, and quickly, too. I think it would be effective if you ran the letters of "I'm sorry" together to form "i'msorryi'msorryi'msorry" because it's more of a chant of despair at this point than anything else.

Finally, I would like to say that I understand this poem very deeply. My great great aunt Dorothy passed away when I was younger, and I just didn't want anything to do with her. I thought she was old and disgusting and kind of worthless, and then she died and I was very sorry. Ugh, young me. I could punch myself. I think it's very courageous that you wrote a poem about feeling this way because I feel like it's kind of taboo to talk about it, though I'm sure more people feel that way.

Altogether, I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this. Happy poeting!