I drunkenly hang
From the side of a rusted Cadillac;
It doesn't have tires,
And neither an engine,
But the stars are moving
And so are my thoughts.
Where are you now?
Are you still staying sober?
How many chips have you got now?
Are you still hanging on to that forced bible?
You probably know where I am,
What I'm doing.
I'm holding a forty ounce
In between my thighs;
Laughing about the moldy
Fuzzy dice hanging from the
Rear-view mirror.
"You're a disgrace,"
Tell me something that actually hurts me,
Something I don't know,
Because I don't feel like I used to
And I wish very badly
That I could feel the aching pain that has got to be
There.
It's morning now
And I'm ripping cactus spines out of
My hands
After yet another night gone
Bad;
The Cadillac is still running in my dreams,
Spitting out smoke
Just like you used to.
You've healed
And I'm jealous;
Why are you okay
And I'm not?
You don't talk to me now
Because to witness my actions
Would send you into a bar,
A relapse;
And that's alright,
I know I'm a toxic being
Who's only purpose is to hurt,
So,
You're better off now,
And all I've got left to ask
Is
Do you ever miss the bad ol' days?
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey, crobbins here for a review!
I wanted to start out by saying I love the title! It really draws me in!
Now onto the nit-picks!
I did think that the formatting (the capitalized letters at every line) was a bit distracting at times. I think if you only capitalized your first words in your sentences, it may allow the reader to follow along with your ideas!
That's all I found for spelling and grammar issues!
I loved the feel of this, yet I have to agree with Casanova, an angry perspective can sometimes throw off poetry. I do think you used the emotions well in this piece!
Sorry it is so short, I intended to write more, but I have to go pick up my meatball sub! (Sorry, food calls)!
So overall, I loved it! Keep writing! I'd love to read more of your work!
-crobbins
@marmalade
Heya, Babydollblues! Casanova here to do a review for you! Anyway, I'll be breaking this up into sections and reviewing it that way, so I hope you don't mind. To the review!
Aye, a few things here. To start off with- format. I would suggest breaking this up into stanzas and doing shift key + enter to get rid of the extra white space. Anyway, onward.
The beginning you give us the setting. Drunk and in a Cadillac. I like that. But after that, we really don't have much. You're listing questions out, and it seems more as if a rant than it does poetry, and I've noticed that a lot lately. People using poetry as a way to vent emotions. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's something I've noticed. Anyway, onward.
Aye, there's nothing really substantial here. It feels as if you're attacking someone, ranting at someone, particularly an ex. That's all well and good, but it doesn't exactly make for good poetry. Narrow down your emotions, focus on imagery, and just let it flow. This would make a good set of lyrics, but doesn't really do much for me poetry wise.
I think I'll stop there. Anyway, overall I think you have a good romance theme going on that could use some work. Add imagery, tone down the attacking, and focus on what you feel and how to say it. I think you'll find that it's helpful.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
You're writing is very detailed, and it has a classic style to it. I loved how throughout the poem, you could practically feel the narrator's desperation and emotions throughout. The poem almost sounds like sound lyrics, and I truly love it. This piece is a very detailed expression of a broken love and the bitter and harsh feelings afterward, something I'm sure we've all felt. Very good!