12+ Mature Content

and my mouth is just a vessel for the medicine

by Kafkaescence
  • February 9, 2013
  • Poetry
  • Other
  • Poems
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note: poetry, for lack of a better label.

"I'msoberit'soverI'msober," says the boy behind the window as he hides his switchblade beneath the blankets. below, undertakers cremate themselves just to taste their own ashes. the last funeral. on the rooftop a reunion of hunger artists watches the fog rise; "the night sky is my home," says one, "and that's no home at all."
 
I keep throwing boomerangs off the edge like they're dreams, and none ever come back. with one eye turned away priests watch the abortion of an armageddon. blind pilots engage in milkless seduction: all the fetuses burn. none ever come back
 
to the rooftop carrion of hunger artists; the fog has risen and they can finally see what they look like in the light of a folding sun. no one is there to tell them it's too late. all my life I've been dipping empty syringes in empty shells and never learned to taste my own vacuum, and it's screaming like a thousand ants. someone's opening a window with a switchblade:
 
"I'msoberit'sover," he cries in solitude, "it'soverit'soverit'soverit'sover."
Comments & reviews · 2
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Morrigan
Review
Morrigan wrote a review · Sun Feb 10, 2013 4:55 am

Hi there, Kafka.

Your images are intimidatingly good. I really love this.

The way you formatted it makes me thing of "Howl" by Allen Ginsberg. It's not quite the same, but it has the same feeling (especially with the type of imagery you use). I would consider, however, starting a new paragraph whenever a new character arrives, just for flow.

I keep throwing boomerangs off the edge like they're dreams, and none ever come back.

I love this line. I feel like it could be worded more like your other images, though. Try this:
I throw my boomerang dreams off the edge, but none ever return.


with one eye turned away priests watch the abortion of an armageddon.

That's my favorite line, I think. I really like the whole thing, though. So it switches a lot. But right now, that's my favorite.

the fog has risen and they can finally see what they look like in the light of a folding sun.

This isn't as clear an image as the others are. It's weighed down by extra feeling words in the middle. I'd write it like this if I were you:
the fog rises, their images raw in the light of the folding sun


all my life I've been dipping empty syringes in empty shells and never learned to taste my own vacuum, and it's screaming like a thousand ants.

There are too many ands in this bit.

someone's opening a window with a switchblade:

I would say "someone opens a window" for flow.

I love the runtogether words of the boy. They're wonderful.

This is so good. I don't have any other words to describe it. Your images fill me up like good soup. I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting!

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dogs
Review
dogs wrote a review · Sun Feb 10, 2013 3:53 am

Hey there Kafka, Dogs here with your review today! Ok, if I may just start out with a WWOOOOOWWW. This was so beautifully written, you use a perfect balance of excellent imagery and wondrous flow and rhythm. I love this topic and I always love reading anything you write because it flows so incredibly smoothly. I am a tad bit upset that this isn't formatted in a more poetic form, consisting of lines and stanzas. I think that looks far better than the way you have it written currently, but I know you being you... have a reason for writing everything the way it is.

I do find it a tad bit strange that you don't write in specific normal poetic format, but you don't capitalize the first letters of sentences. This, of course, is my personal opinion but I think it looks sloppy if you don't capitalize those letters. Although entirely up to your decision.

I'm also curious as to why you choose to space out your opening with: "I'msoberit'sover" rather than spacing that out properly? Do you use it as a way to visual and grammatically make a statement against conformity? I won't comment on either of those issues because I'm sure you've done it for a reason. I just think it looks better with the spacing and the poetic stanzas/lines.

"all my life I've been dipping empty syringes in empty shells and never learned to taste my own vacuum, and it's..."

Wonderful line all around, except you use "and" too many times it too close of proximity to each other. Either make a new sentence or edit one of those out. It's the only time that your flow is off. That's really the only thing bad I have to saw against this piece. I rarely award likes to poetry, but you sure bought one off me. Excellent writing as always. Let me know if you ever need a review, keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032



october smells like being ten years old and not scared of anything
— dissonance