z

Young Writers Society



Anorexia and a Heart of Porcelain

by Konijn


You’re grander than the sun, more beautiful than night
You’re stardust and cynical lullabies beneath the willow.
Do you remember how I held you so tight?
Do you remember how the wind whispered so softly;
And the way it blowed?

For these reasons I wonder why you care so much.
You’re a bag of bones, my love, and your heart’s porcelain.
I recall how when I first reached out to you, you shivered at my touch
You were afraid of being subjected to suffering again.

You’re wearing a crown of snowy white bones,
You’re depleting your body of what its requisites
I’m begging you to come down from your throne;
You’re killing the only fragment of you that’s evident.

Your rib bones stick out like a mountainous terrain,
A ghastly depression where your stomach should be.
Your insecurities keep you on a short, cold chain
And no matter how profound my efforts,
I can’t set you free.

You wear a gorgeous smile, though your wrists are made of sticks.
You’d never know through those beautiful brown eyes of yours
Just how much you hate yourself. To some, you’re apathetic
Though you’re just another girl to them, no matter how obscure.

Because dawn goes down to day, I know that nothing gold can stay
But no matter how many times I repeat those words over and over in my mind,
I won’t let you destroy yourself. I can’t sit here and watch you rot away,
Not when people as precious as you are so difficult to find.

You’re a doll made of glass with eyes that pierce straight through me.
You know you’re beautiful, wavy brown hair that fails daintily over your breasts
And eyelashes that bat like butterfly wings in the summer heat.
Yet you’re determined to make yourself thinner, despite my protests.

Perhaps if I loved you with every infinitesimal drop of water in the ocean
I could show you that you deserve every bite of food you so desperately need.
However I am only human, and it is impossible to save you from the demotion
 others bring upon you, and the way you so dejectedly concede.

A heart of porcelain is bound to break at some point eventually,
Though it appears yours has been stomped on many a time.
But I know you have the strength within you, potentially,
And no matter what happens in life, you’ll always be mine. 


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5 Reviews


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Reviews: 5

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Wed Sep 14, 2016 5:46 pm
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Empires wrote a review...



Hey, Empires here with a review

You have great imagery and your poem is very well structured and visually really organised so well done on that. I think you captured the essence of this theme wonderfully though at times the wording could be improved on as the lines get a bit lengthy towards the ending of the poem.

"You’re depleting your body of what its requisites"

I think this line was awkwardly worded, did you mean "of what it requires" ? I think it also stated the obvious too much as anorexia is a form of malnutrition, although its a practical line, it is not the most poetic.

"And no matter how profound my efforts,
I can’t set you free."

I liked this line because it showed that no one can set anyone else free unless they decide to free themselves.

"To some, you’re apathetic"

I don't think this line particularly fit well.



Overall good poem, with some magical moments, just editing here and there should be fine. Keep writing!


--Empires




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Sat Sep 10, 2016 12:21 pm
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

You’re stardust and cynical lullabies beneath the willow.
I'm not sure about the word "cynical". It doesn't feel right for the sentence or the overall stanza. This is just my opinion though.

You wear a gorgeous smile, though your wrists are made of sticks.
Okay so while there isn't really anything wrong with this sentence, there are just a few suggestions I have. You start with a smile who forms on a face, but then you bring in wrists. (I hope I'm making sense) I just feel like those two things don't really connect. Maybe if you said "You wear a gorgeous smile, though you face is skin and bone [/quote] I know that wasn't a very good example, but I think you get what I'm saying.

And eyelashes that bat like butterfly wings in the summer heat.
Okay so just a suggestion here. I think you should use "flutter" instead of "bat" in this sentence. I just think it would sound a bit better. :D

Grammar and Punctuation

And the way it blowed?
Okay so blowed isn't a word; I think you meant to say "blew"

You’d never through those beautiful brown eyes of yours
This sentence was bit confusing. I think you needed "see" between "you'd" and "never"

Overall it was a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image




Konijn says...


Thank you!



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Sat Sep 10, 2016 2:47 am
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

Interesting topic. It's something rather close to my heart for reasons of my own, so I thought I'd take a shot at reviewing this.

You're very consistent with the structure, which I applaud you for. Structured poetry is incredibly difficult and you've gotten the basics down, which is sticking to the structure. However I couldn't help but notice the awkward wording and language that didn't quite flow naturally in the name of hitting that structure. That's likely the hardest part of structured poetry, and I feel you could use a little revision along those lines to really make this flow with the structure, instead of the two competing. There's also the option of making it non-structured, if you so desire. Up to you, but there is definitely some work that could be done to improve the rhythm.

There's a straightforwardness to this poem that works in some spots but doesn't in others. Because of the aforementioned rhythm issues, I found myself looking at some very poetic, metaphor/ simile-filled lines, while others are extremely blunt such as the line about hair and general talk of "beauty." You're quick to describe the horrors of a starved body, but you don't give the same richness to the counterpoints, leaving me feeling a little cold.

And, in the end, the poem just doesn't seem to do its intended purpose of making me feel like an anorexia sufferer is beautiful and deserves love/food/compassion like anyone else because of it. By suddenly switching to very "light" language— no metaphors, no similes, no definition— you rob the poem of any true punch. I don't know what makes her beautiful, I don't know what makes her lovable, except the fact you feel the need to praise it. "Show, don't tell" applies to poems as much as to prose; make me feel the beauty and love, instead of just telling me I should feel that way.

So all in all, this was okay. The structure was relatively well followed, the topic is admirable, but you just don't put enough weight towards the "you're beautiful" for me to believe it.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




Konijn says...


Thank you so much for the review! I do plan on revising this to help the flow and theme, so your opinion is very helpful.




When one is highly alert to language, then nearly everything begs to be a poem.
— James Tate