Chapter 14.3

by TheSilverFox

Published March 2, 2018

12+ Violence

In Blessed Are The People

Author's Notes: 1,009 notes.  Ugh, this better be mysterious enough.

The innkeeper, half-asleep and engrossed in staring at the floorboards, did not worry about the man in the brown hood who strode through the door and requested a room. She accepted the few bronze coins slipped into her outstretched palm, vaguely gestured to one of the rooms upstairs, and handed the man a skeleton key. He, nodding, walked carelessly up the oaken steps of the quiet, weathered hotel, slipping the key between his fingers and humming a brief tune.

His room was about as well-kept as the rest of the hotel. First choosing to sit on the small bed tucked away in the far corner, he then jumped up and brushed the straw off of his back. The shelves were empty, save for a cracked mirror, and he stared at it in contemplation. Night already covered his face, though the light of one of the moons began to poke through the open window.

Stroking his chin, he finally lowered his arm and walked over to the candle on the nightstand beside the bed. He glared at it, envisioning a lit wick. It soon burned gently, adding color and light to the room. The man was proud of himself; he had grown proficient enough at magic that his body and mind demanded to use more of their strength, but his restraint proved true. With little else to do, he stood in front of the window, poked his head outside, and whistled loudly.

In only a few minutes, there was a loud scratching sound from the wood beneath him. The man stepped back as claws gripped the edges of the windows, shifting into hands. A lady in a red coat pulled herself smoothly into the room, stomping her shoes onto the wood to remove the mud and dust.

“Edana,” said the man, bowing.

“Are you here to give the order?” Edana asked, sitting on the edge of the window. “It’s much later than I was expecting.”

The man sat gently down on the floor opposite Edana, crossing his legs. “This is something she can’t handle anymore.”

Edana laughed. “You mean to tell me that she could handle anything to begin with? With her bravado, if what you’ve told me is true, only chance and her friends have kept her alive this long.”

“You forget her power,” said the man, wagging a finger before desisting and sighing. “She always relies upon it as a last resort. However, after the past few days, she has lost her supports and the spirit behind her strength.”

“So,” said Edana, standing up and walking around the man, “You fear that she won’t survive whatever comes next. I can understand, because she can’t. But you can say the same of when she started, when she didn’t have the slightest idea of what she was going to do, or how she was going to fight?”

The man balled his fists. “She needed to learn,” he growled. “Now she’s learned more about this world than she deserves to, and I can see no reason to keep her from him any longer.”

Edana grabbed him roughly by his shoulders and pulled him to the windowsill, shoving his head out of the window. He tried to shout in alarm, but she covered his mouth. “You are lucky that our King and Queen agreed with you when she left, or I would happily carry you from here and throw you into their jail. This is only mercy after a long cruelty, and I expect her to return a broken shell.”

“She is stronger than that,” hissed the man after Edana momentarily pulled her hand away. “All that matter is that she will return and accept her position. Had we kept her in place, she would’ve taken far more lives than she did. Which, to my recollection, is none.”

Flinging the man into a wall, Edana propped a foot on the windowsill and pulled her head out. “She is more valuable than a thousand lives. You, and our leaders, have taken a dangerous chance. What if she only comes back in fury? How many lives will she take then?”

The man, breathing deeply, groaned and pushed himself from the wall, rubbing the back of his head and observing the blood on his hand. “You have a duty,” he shouted, rising to his feet. “Complete it, and then we’ll see who’s right.”

“So be it,” said Edana, jumping into the air. She vanished in a blinding flash.

“Always a charmer,” said the man, brushing off his clothes and blinking. He would have to tell them it was an accident in his sleep. Perhaps he could use the dagger that he kept under the bed. They had bought all the other stories before, so it would be simple to wash the blood from his head, wrap the dagger in the towel, and leave the dagger in the middle of his tent.

Of course, he first had to return to them. Rubbing his hands together, the man in the brown coat pulled the skeleton key from his pocket. He unlocked the door, placing the skeleton key outside of the room before he closed it again. The man then went to the window, pulling and readjusting himself so that he was hanging outside of the inn. From there, it was easy enough to climb down the hotel’s side, grasping footholds left by the decay of the wood.

As he walked some distance from the road, staying parallel to it, he pulled another knife from his pocket. There were too few locals for a highwayman or band of robbers to be roaming the countryside, but it never hurt him to be sure. It had been a night, he reasoned, and he didn’t want another issue. Fortunately, only the moons graced his travels, leaving his mind free to think of the excuse he could create for The Doves. True, he hated lying, because it was so unnatural for him; he especially hated lying to good people for a good cause.

Fortunately, he guessed, it would all be over soon.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Brigadier
Review
Brigadier wrote a review Review · Mar 25, 2018

Howdy Silv.
Have not read lately.
Let's try to get through this as painlessly as possible and kick this chapter out the door.

The innkeeper, half-asleep and engrossed in staring at the floorboards, did not worry about the man in the brown hood who strode through the door and requested a room. She accepted the few bronze coins slipped into her outstretched palm, vaguely gestured to one of the rooms upstairs, and handed the man a skeleton key. He, nodding, walked carelessly up the oaken steps of the quiet, weathered hotel, slipping the key between his fingers and humming a brief tune.

Image

I think the main thing I talked about back when I was reviewing your novel, was that you laid it on really thick, and never really stopped pouring. That's an odd comparison to understand if you've never heard the saying before, and I really should have thought more before typing it. No going back now.
I do like that you have that eye for detail and focus on each and everything going on in a scene. But as seen with the snippet I just put about, it gets to the point where it's a bit too much, and you just need to cut down a little bit. This may still be better than the opposite end where someone goes:
The innkeeper was half asleep. She took the money. She gave him the key. He walked up the stairs.

^
That's obviously boring and dull. The most common solution is to add lots of detail on top, but this just ends up weighing it down even more.
I feel like I'm talking too much about this now and don't have enough examples to support what I'm saying.
Just gonna move along for the time being.

In only a few minutes, there was a loud scratching sound from the wood beneath him. The man stepped back as claws gripped the edges of the windows, shifting into hands. A lady in a red coat pulled herself smoothly into the room, stomping her shoes onto the wood to remove the mud and dust.

“Edana,” said the man, bowing.

This reaction feels a bit weird to me? Like if I heard scraping outside of my hotel window, I wouldn't go closer to the window. The later interaction seems like he wasn't exactly expecting this person to jump into the room like this, so I'm wondering why he just calmly sits down. when she's like obviously pissed.
I think I had that feeling a lot in the chapter, where the reactions weren't quite matching up to the actions. it might the lack of prior knowledge getting to me but then all of this seems rather sudden and improvisation.

If you were going for mysterious, i think you did get it?
At least he didn't ditch on his hotel bill but why does it always have to be the dramatic jumping out the window. The ending line is equally dramatic and I guess it does signal something for the next chapter, prompting your loyal readers to go on.
I'd say as far as convincing me to read the rest, forwards and backwards, 7/10? So pretty good retention for a middle of the road chapter.

I'll either be seeing you next chapter in 5 minutes or 3 months. I have no in between for reviews.

Ehh you don't need to explain/find examples? You hint at a good point - it's better to spread out details than cluster them together like I tend to do. I need to break those opening sentences up and throw them around.

And yeah, the meeting is a mix of improv and not. They planned this spot to meet. The mystery man might not have guessed how she'd come in, but he was expecting most of this (including her temper). I'll have to make that more evident in his thoughts.

Psssht defenestration is awesome (this probably doesn't count as defenestration, but meh). Thanks for the review!

User avatar
Mageheart
Review
Mageheart wrote a review Review · Mar 2, 2018

Hello, TheSilverFox! I hope my review can do your work justice.

Grammar and Syntax

No problems here, so I'll move onto the other sections!

Characters

Hm...I honestly have no guesses on the mysterious man's exact identity, but I like him all the same. Edana also seems like a cool person. I don't hate them, but I don't exactly love them yet? They haven't had a chance to grow on me. I suspect they will. Whoever he is, this man is certainly a leader. I wonder how his secrecy will continue in the future chapters!

Also, I may or may not have been hoping that he was Shiruba when I started the chapter.

Plot

I see some ominous foreshadowing at play here! Seeing that there was a mention of The Doves and someone who "needed to learn more", I have a sneaking suspicion that Eremia or one of the girls she's become acquainted with are the girl being referenced in the conversation. It'll be interesting seeing who this man is and what his intentions are, and how they impact our band of unusual protagonists. Who knows? Maybe this will result in all of the teams meeting up.

I really enjoyed reading your work. While there may have been a few rough spots, it's overall a wonderful piece of writing. If you feel like some parts of my review need further explanation or just aren't good enough, please let me know. I'd gladly clear up anything about this review.

Keep up the great work (which I doubt you'll have trouble with) and good luck on your writing endeavors!

Yeah, as the Crown Prince of Foxes, Shiruba is going to take his sweet time before showing up (he'll probably get a reference or two in the meantime, but presently I only have an appearance planned for after the big event). And yay, I made this chapter subtle enough! It's possible to tell who the man and the girl are, but that likely requires paying attention to some little past hints which depend on a backstory I've barely touched on. All in all, I'm glad you like the action and the foreshadowing - thanks for the review!



Time is not your best friend - unless you use it wisely.
— Marco Pierre White