Chapter 5.1 (Interlude)

by TheSilverFox

Published October 11, 2017

16+ Violence Mature Content

In Blessed Are The People

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Author's Note: 1,995 words.  Edited on request.  I also swapped out one of my least favorite paragraphs because it was getting on my nerves (Terasu's explanation about why they're safe and hidden from both sides).  It's probably not perfect, and I may have opened up some minor holes in the story, but I bet it's better than the rest of the chapter.  You can always ask if you want to see the word vomit that was the original paragraph.

Eremia had always had the distant hope that she would finally see the seashore, hear the lapping of waves against a sandy beach, and wriggle her toes in and amongst the sand as she ran about the shore, her family at her side. Unfortunately for her, today was not going to be that day, despite how hard and how long she dreamed of it during the night.

When she came to, she could hear the sounds of what she surmised was the ocean, and her heart rose up in joy. It was summarily shoved back down her throat when she remembered what had happened the previous day, and she heard the sounds of horses moving across the ground. Nevertheless, the others in the wagon only saw Eremia open her eyes in the midst of a pile of blankets, her disappointment blocked by the latter covering part of her face.

In one corner, there was Jonah, sitting contentedly in a pile of his own blankets while holding a bowl of water in one hand and a pot with hard biscuits and dried fruit in the other. He didn't seem happy, but didn't have the urge to complain. Jonah stood up when he saw Eremia awake, and ducked under the wagon's tarp roof as he walked over and handed her the foot and water while she rose, propping herself against the ground with her arms. Leaning against the back of the faintly-smelly wagon, the girl took the food from her brother's hands and began to eat and drink.

Eremia’s normally straight hair was frizzed, but she was too tired and sleepy to care. Her head faintly ached, as did her arm and various parts of her frame. It was only after a minute or two of silence did she notice Jonah pouting in the corner, arms crossed and scowling. And then she saw Aquila in another corner, he having turned back into the soldier with leather pads and poor armor. A set of gauze bandages were wrapped around his stomach, and he was draped in a blanket or two. He remained patiently observing his surroundings, and Eremia realized, as one of his blankets slid down partly, that he was tied up, and couldn't move at all.

Anger rose in her heart. The wagon was as well-kept as it could be, but it smelled faintly of manure and hay and the sweat of travelers. Everything did. She was fortunate enough to be in a warm and snug space, yet that seemed to trap some of the smell, and the trap kept the heat in. It was growing warmer, and Eremia guessed that it was early morning by now, with the sun rising and throwing its hot rays upon all. That all ended up playing second fiddle to her overwhelming distrust of the people who had already saved her life twice, but refused to take her home, and feared the intentions of the family she'd known throughout her life.

So her undying fury manifested itself when footsteps emanated from nearby, and the young man with spiky red hair – Rowland? - jumped onto the back of the wagon, ducking so he wouldn't bump into the tarp, and smiled bemusedly at them. "You look happy. Good morning, friends!" he said, continuing to maintain a genuinely joyful expression while Eremia gritted her teeth and balled her fists. Rowland had a green scarf and a suit of light metal armor upon which was carved intricate swirls, some red-painted and with the impressions of wolves. Eremia wasn't sure of their origins.

"What makes you think we're happy?" she retorted, growling. Jonah cast the man a disdainful look and snubbed his nose.

That didn't dissuade Rowland from gesturing to Aquila. "You're young, you're alive, and clearly lovebirds. I was told you were the poet?"

Jonah grinned mischievously. "Did you come all this way for the sake of a pun? Yes, we're all quite happy here."

"What is wrong with you people?" replied Eremia in exasperation. "We're siblings!" She looked at Jonah, who was enjoying himself way too much by taunting her, playful as it was; and Aquila, who looked disinterested and even mildly depressed.

Rowland now looked confused and a little flustered. "Wait..." he said, trying to specify something, "So...you and the eagle are...siblings, right?"

Eremia stood up and rushed Rowland. "Get out! Get out, you pervert!" Rowland complied and leaped from the back, landing on his feet and waving. Jonah laughed while Eremia sat down and wrapped herself in blankets again. On one side, she was a little relieved to see Jonah back in his usual spirits. On the other side, she now remembered how annoying it was for him to be malicious and conniving. At least he still maintained that edge of horror and dismay in his eyes, and appeared tired and unkempt. Yesterday was still fresh on his mind, and, though he wished to use his talents to swat them aside and deal with his frustration, they lingered. Maybe he would finally learn a lesson, she hoped.

Suddenly, a girl stepped onto to the back of the wagon. It was the blue-haired girl, and Eremia could now see how young she looked. This individual could stand under the roof without fear of hitting the ceiling, and was incredibly youthful. If it wasn't for her faintly tanned skin and the impressions of muscles indicated by a scattering of holes in between pieces of her suit of armor, she could've quite easily passed as a pre-pubescent girl. Eremia suspected otherwise. Beyond that, Eremia couldn’t remember her name, though it lingered in the back of her mind.

"You'll have to excuse Rowland," the new girl beamed. "He has a strange and somewhat offensive sense of humor, but he's fun and friendly when you get to know him. I'm sorry about his latest outburst."

"Why should you be sorry?" retorted Eremia, though it was harder to yell at this girl than at Rowland. She exuded grace and warmth, whereas Eremia's impressions of Rowland had been ruined the moment he spoke. "Are you two...a couple?"

The new individual gestured to her frame and responded, "If you're referring to my age, I assure you that I'm older than I look - I'm around 20. Also, no, not exactly. I mean, we respect each other, and I find him hilarious, but it's not a completely romantic relationship. We're still figuring this out. He can get on my nerves sometimes, and he sometimes dotes on me too much. Or I freak him out."

Eremia raised an eyebrow. "As in?"

The girl shrugged it aside. "Just a temper. Anyway, I forgot to mention myself. I'm Terasu! But yes, I'm close enough to Rowland that I take some time to clean up his messes. It's not exactly a great way to introduce a new member of the Doves, and perhaps a tad alienating."

Jonah lounged in the back, patiently waiting as the conversation took a new turn. Eremia had worried that he would be barging in with some stupid or offensive remark, but that fear was quickly consumed by frustration. "New member? I most certainly didn't sign up to this! I didn't fall for my brother's stupid plot, get dragged across half a country and several fights, to be conscripted into an army led by people whom I don't even know, but have decided to tear me from my home and the people I've only known my entire life. All I want to do is find Yorew, and bring my brother and this soldier with me so that we may return to our peaceful lives. Is that so much to ask for? I swear that I will not inflict ruin or injury upon you people, as you have saved our lives."

Terasu laughed. It was an uneasy one, and failed to rebuild any kind of bridge that Eremia was burning with her eyes. "You're by no means the first person who has come here and felt that way. It's a common reaction among our new recruits. You have to understand, it's safer than were you would be otherwise."

"How I am any safer in the middle of a wagon riding by the sea in who-knows-where?" shouted Eremia. "How am I expected to distrust my own family and country?"

That anger issue was starting to make its appearance. Terasu clenched her fists, and looked displeased, but continued to act as calm as she possibly could. "You won't be easily seen here. These are Confederate waters and Confederate lands, and we aren’t pushovers; there’s a lot of prominent people here, and we can deal with a fight. The Confederacy won’t admit it lost a few children – no offense to you, though – and the Alliance lost its chance. Eimhin can try to catch us, but we’ll be long gone before they have the chance to, and I doubt it’ll tell the other members of the Alliance that some very important targets are in their borders. They’re selfish and suspicious of each other like that.”

Now Eremia hummed a brief tune in concentration. "Sure, that's not terrible logic. It's not great, either. If you're right, and there are many influential people here, it would be easy for the Alliance to decide to fight over us later, surround us, and hold us hostage, [b]and[/b] the Confederacy would have to concede. We are better off behind a castle, town, and the sizeable force of Exedor and Wyandanch, even if the Alliance knows who we are and how to get to us, and then they wouldn't dare. Besides, what if they want war? What if they already know where we are? What if something is preventing them from taking advantage of this?"

Terasu shrugged, but remained steadfast and confident. "I'll admit, I'm not as good at this strategy thing than Alarick or Madeleine; I just come in and hit people over the head. But he always told me to never trust a large army, because they always have some secret intentions of their own. Even the Confederacy does. We're best off staying away from them and having them block each other, which they will. Besides, I have one little card that I don't like to tell too many people." Terasu leaned over next to Eremia, smelling slightly of the same scents Eremia had been bombarded with, and a hint of blood (likely the trace of the latest battle that she hadn't yet been able to wash off), and whispered, "I'm the Princess of Comas."

The Princess Exedor shuffled back in frightful alarm. "How can I trust you now?" she said fearfully. "If your father is one of the senior members of the Alliance, will I be sure to be safe?"

Terasu's face froze. Her hair cast shadows over her eyes, and her expression turned grim and tense. "I'm going to get Madeleine so she can knock some sense into your head, or Cienen or Alarick or one of the other generals. Feel free to worry yourself to death while I'm gone." She turned and jumped off the back of the wagon.

Jonah clapped his hands appreciatively. "That was a wonderful show, sister. I don't know how you could be any more disrespectful and cynical. You make me proud." His sister, in the meantime, stood up, bending slightly due to the ceiling, and walked over to Aquila.

"Yes, having your sincerest appreciation of my efforts makes me feel fantastic, thank you," she shot back sarcastically, voice trembling with concern and anticipation. Aquila looked at her with an eyebrow raised, but was otherwise quiet as she sat beside him and quietly said, "You can change your form, can't you? It should be easy enough for you to slip free from your bonds. I don't think anybody's watching, and it won't be that hard for you to escape. Tell my parents we're by a seashore or lakeshore or wherever we are, I don't know. Just provide as much information as you can."

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Ventomology
Review
Ventomology wrote a review Review · Oct 19, 2017

Okay wow that first bit with Rowland was uncomfy. Sorry for being so slow. The big paper is in, so I should be in better shape next week as far as YWS stuff goes.

Technical Comments:

So this sentence:

The Princess Exedor shuffled back in frightful alarm.

Part of why you tend to sound long-winded is because you like to pile on words that mean similar things. Just say alarm.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. Even though Rowland has less presence-time than Terasu, I feel like he's more strongly characterized than she is. His interests (jokes) are more clear, and he gets actual action verbs and descriptions of his facial expressions (flustered, leaping, etc.). With Terasu, you had these super long bouts of dialogue that needed to be cut up so that I could learn more about her and her mannerisms. And because Terasu doesn't have a particularly distinct way of speaking, her dialogue doesn't do a lot to characterize her either.

That's not to say the dialogue isn't important (though I'll get to that later), but it needs to be broken up in order to be less overwhelming. Plus, those long paragraphs aren't conducive to conversational flow. Conversations are more than just an exchange of words and information; they're interactions that create feelings and movement, and it's important to break dialogue with those other elements in order to best encompass the interaction.

2. Now onto the actual subjects discussed in the dialogue.

I honestly got super lost in this chapter. Part of it may just be that it's been like two weeks since I last read your stuff, but I think another part is that the jumps don't make sense.

Eremia interprets Rowland's comment about her and Aquila as being about her and Jonah, and I couldn't really get a grip on how she jumped to that conclusion, especially after Jonah commented on the lovebird pun. The poet bit was completely disconnected; it started nowhere and ended nowhere. And while you did a good job characterizing Rowland, I had to reread that section multiple times before I actually knew what was going on.

Then, when Eremia talks to Terasu, I felt like the couple/age jump was really awkward. Plus, the long dialogue erased the back-and-forth that should build understanding of the events and feelings here.

And honestly, in general I think Eremia is bad at talking like a normal human being. The way you've structured her speech is too proper, and it interferes with how I interpret her tone. When we talk, we have pauses, and sometimes we have to retrace our steps in order to get a point across effectively, and Eremia never does that. She just builds long sentences.

Uhh... anyways. The main point was that you should try not to have really long dialogue paragraphs, because it messes with flow and comprehension and can inhibit characterization through action and dialogue combined.

Until next time!
-Buggie

And I'm guessing this is the part where I realize what you meant when you said "He doesn't say what he means." It's justifiable, mind you; I'm godawful at conversations.

So yeah, this chapter sucks. I had to edit it to deal with the worst case of big dialogue, so I'm not surprised it fails in that sense. Eremia always does talk like that, and it's pretty good part of her "spoiled princess" mentality that's lingering around her like a bad odor. The "poet" comment is me lampshading it, actually, just really poorly.

Fortunately, I get better at shorter, more meaningful dialogue later on, as you've seen. I mean, Eremia doesn't get any less pompous for a while, but that's the point.

User avatar
Mageheart
Review
Mageheart wrote a review Review · Oct 15, 2017

Hello, TheSilverFox! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful. I've been trying to settle on a reviewing format that I love, but I'm still not sure what works for me and what doesn't. If this review isn't helpful, please let me know.

Eremia’s normally straight hair was frizzed, but she was too tired and sleepy to care.


I love how you casually slipped in a comment about her appearance!

Eremia stood up and rushed Rowland. "Get out! Get out, you pervert!"


This part doesn't make much sense to me. I've tried rereading it, but I can't see why she would call Rowland a pervert? I understand that she originally thought she was talking about her and Jonah, but that's been cleared up. If it's meant to be comedic, I don't think you achieved the effect you were going for.

Maybe he would finally learn a lesson, she hoped.


I doubt he will - it is Jonah that she's talking about.

Aquila looked at her with an eyebrow raised, but was otherwise quiet as she sat beside him and quietly said, "You can change your form, can't you? It should be easy enough for you to slip free from your bonds. I don't think anybody's watching, and it won't be that hard for you to escape. Tell my parents we're by a seashore or lakeshore or wherever we are, I don't know. Just provide as much information as you can."


Though I feel like it would be nice for Eremia to escape on her own, this matches what you've established with her character. She's smart and resourceful. Realizing that she can use Aquila's form shifting abilities to her advantage makes sense and is a great detail to include.

I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors!

Yay, thanks for the review! The "joke" was totally meant to fall flat, though I don't think I properly explained the context; I'll be sure to do that next time. Otherwise, Jonah does learn things, but generally not good ones. Anyways, I'm glad you like the chapter, and, one again, thanks!

You're welcome! I can't wait to read more about your wonderful characters.



Ghosts, demons, and ghouls cannot scare the cat's underling.
— TheMulticoloredCyr