z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Chapter 3.2

by TheSilverFox


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Author's Notes: 1,643 words.  Probably the bloodiest part of the story thus far.

"I'm the Prince of Exedor!" he shouted hoarsely, as though he'd spent the last five minutes stating it, which wasn't unlikely. "See? Even the soldiers have come to my aid! Desist at once, you foul peasant, and let go of your worthless food, and I might not kill you."

The old lady then spotted something behind the boy and let out a piercing scream, abandoning the food she'd just bought as she ran off and away, passing in between the soldiers and into the dissipating crowd. Eremia realized she was seeing the same thing as well, and her eyes widened in horror, but she couldn't do a thing about it. Now her brother was lying on his butt, happily raising the cabbage over his head and saying, "You old wench, fool, idiot! I'm happy to see you were smart enough to understand whom your superior is!"

"I'd say your's the idiot here," said a imposing man in a red bandana as he grabbed Jonah by the neck and lifted him into the air. "Prince Exedor, ya say? I say that makes you as good a ransom as any, ya get me?" The man's long blonde hair flowed down a strong body, and, despite the scars that outlined his face and tore up his cheek, the man wore a chainmail vest over a green suit and brown trousers. It actually looked rather opulent, as though an indicator that this man had clearly made himself wealthy from his craft, horrible as it was. Rougher-looking associates began to appear from the alleyway behind the vendor and started appearing at the corners of Eremia's vision. The crowd, as crowds tend to do, had long ago chosen to neglect the scene in its entirety, even as the shouting, swearing, and kicking boy struggled and was pulled into the alleyway by what was most likely the ringleader of a crime group, who was now beginning to be enclosed by cronies.

"No!" shouted Eremia in exasperation, as Yorew smacked one of the poor soldiers senseless. The others all pointed their spears at the duo in unison, but the crime boss, who handed off the boy to a man with a rope, stopped in between the contrasting dark alleyway and bright streets to wave them aside.

"There's'll be," he commented crudely. "I'm guessing you're with this poor sap?" He gestured to the boy before the individual in question was carried off into the shadows.

Eremia's eyebrow twitched. Yorew remained as silent and as expressionless as ever, but the way his eyes narrowed into slits and he cracked his knuckles told their own story.

"Guessin' so," he said, unimpressed with the display in front of him. "These here knuckleheads' too afraid to come in with only 'a fists. Can't blame em, though." He snorted, laughed, and gestured to the soldiers around him. This guy was completely crude, and his beet-red skin indicated that he was certainly not from the area. The sunlight wasn't nearly that harsh here, so he'd had to come from somewhere in the south. Eremia guessed it had to be the desert lands, although it was odd that he should look like he would have a perpetual sunburn. Or, she would've thought of this, if she wasn't struck by a wave of complete and abject horror when she heard her brother shouting curse words and what would've been pleas for help, if they weren't stuffed with an overwhelming amount of ego, from the alleyway.

"I'm assuming they're not Exedor soldiers?" calmly said Yorew after a few seconds.

The crook raised up a leg to see if there was anything on his sole. Finding nothing, he responded, "Nope. Couldn't buy 'em if I wanted ta'. We don't like them bluebacks hangin' 'round our towns, so we hanged 'em and let 'em rot! They'ven't been coming back since, heh. This's my own guard, and they can run ya through for all I damn care." He looked behind him and pointed in that direction. "'less you can come up with a ransom, kiddo, 'cause they's typing up that wimp back there, and he won't be around much longer if you don't got the wads of cash I know ya have."

The girl was presently frozen in a bewildered stance and appearance, incredibly pale and with ragged breathing as she tried to consider her options. None of them were looking good. She was outnumbered, outgunned, and she knew that Yorew didn't have a sizeable enough sum for what the crook wanted. After all, the crook had a prince, and one's expectations of a prince's ransom were typically far above the paltry sum Eremia knw that her group had. If she could attack the soldiers and make to run away, Yorew could probably steal a few spears and use them on the attackers, but they could still be easily killed, and Jonah would still be trapped. If she tried to run towards the crook, she would be all but dead, even if she conjured her magic. There were too many people, and likely too strong. It was hopeless. Her brother was going to die no matter what she did.

"Girl, you broke down o' somethin'?" said the crook, with a frown forming on his face. "I ain't here to kill a kid today, ya know that? The little runt's not worth that much effort. What's the holdup? I wanna know if this's worth my time, or I'm gonna give ya up to the nearest batch o' soldiers and let them kill ya themselves or somethin'."

A soldier next to the head criminal gasped and collapsed onto the ground, an arrow embedded in his chest at an angle. Blood began to spill upon the ground as the blonde man's face twitched in fury. The soldiers forming the perimeter pointed all their spears at Yorew and Eremia, the former of whom embraced the latter and tried to keep her from as many of the sharp objects as possible, while ignoring the twitching and bleeding figure on the ground.

"Which one of you traitors an' crooks killed one of my men? They ain't cheap, ya know! You'ere stupid enough to miss me, so ha!" It wasn't a bright or cheery laugh. This man was wholly and genuinely terrified and enraged, and the appearance of a second arrow embedding itself in the man standing in front of him, coupled by a third to make that individual fall, made clear the presence of a teenage boy atop a market stall, bow at the ready. The kid was barefoot and thin, with an outfit that looked like it had been made from re-sewn burlap sacks, and was coated in dust and a few bloodstains, as well as holes. His eyes, which would've otherwise seemed like ordinary brown ones, were consumed in tranquil and devoted fury, and his dusty hair shook particles down his face, casting his visage in an almost shadowy light as he prepared another arrow. Too, though he appeared frail, the muscles on his body indicated the opposite.

Here was a soldier, and he looked a strong and fast one.

The crook seemed to recognize him, as eyes widened in horror. "Kill 'em all!" he called after a few seconds, dashing into the alleyway as a fourth arrow bounced harmlessly off of the cobblestone floor. "Don't let a damned fool alive!"

Of course, by then, Yorew took the clear opportunity in front of him and grabbed one of the spears from the distracted soldiers, slamming one man onto the ground with it as he spun it around and struck another two into the head. Eremia narrowly snatched onto the fourth before its owner tried to thrust it into her stomach, and used all of her strength to thrust the soldier's end into his face. The four collapsed ungracefully onto the ground, and the duo raced towards the alleyway's entrance as more of the criminals' associates poured out, armed with their own bows, axes, and swords. However, the girl watched as the assortment of troops looked up in horror at something in the air and in front of them, and looked up above her as she saw a deer bounding into the air towards the gathering. Unfortunately, not to be bested by mere displays of power, one of the bowmen fired at the deer and struck it in the side.

It landed ungracefully on the ground between the girl, the servant, and the crooks, bleeding as it shifted back into the human boy from earlier. The child, however, apparently undaunted, ripped the arrow from his side, and responded by notching it towards his own bow and firing it at the attacker. The girl almost retched when she saw the blood on the ground, which grew every second as the bleeding teen struck more of the archers and dodged the movements of the men with various other weapons. Yorew seemed to feel similarly, as he rushed over to the archer. At least, as fast as a hobbling old man could travel. Nevertheless, he outstretched his hands towards the newcomer, and it was from these that energy began to spill out.

The girl gasped, knowing that her servant was weak enough already, and that making to heal somebody with that kind of an injury might have worse of an effect. And then, of course, one of the guards, who had not been incapacitated by a mere blow to the head, grabbed her foot. So, naturally, she kicked him in the face and ran off as the other guards assembled their wits and rose. All were now heading towards Yorew, who, in spite of the teen's briefly turning around and gesturing for him to stop, merely mumbled his own incantation and kept going. The teen could only shrug, whirl around, and fire a shot into the head of one of Eremia's pursuers.


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Sat Sep 30, 2017 4:01 pm
Kale wrote a review...



There is still nothing in the Green Room for me to review. *insert frowny face of despair here*

Fortunately I still have you, but I've nine more reviews to go after this one, and I'm running out of parts. Oh woe! Will I have enough to review to reach my goal by the end of today? Will I have time to review after work???

I don't know man, but I'm pressing on, regardless.

And Jonah is officially an idiot and I am seriously questioning everything about his character right now because dang son. Dang. Why are you sabotaging your own plans by being such a brat? And I thought he only pulled a similar thing initially to rile up his father? And his father is nowhere near where he is now, so why (why, why???) is he pulling a similar stunt so close to the enemy border when it was just cited as a concern that they wouldn't be able to go undetected and Jonah used that exact same concern against his sister?

On the one hand, I'm like, how am I supposed to believe that you're a serious antagonist and have been for most of your life? And then on the other hand, it's not like he's been shown doing anything above brat-level, and he would have been super sheltered so that brat-level things might seem to him and his family more serious than they actually are as far as the scope of the rest of the world is concerned, so it's not really a flaw with the story.

It just annoys the heck out of me omg.

That aside, I don't have much else to say about the rest of this part except ooooh combat at last! And a mysterious magical archer boy. The plot thickens!




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Sun Aug 27, 2017 8:27 pm
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, TheSilverFox! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful.

My biggest problem with this chapter is what I mentioned in the previous one - how you use descriptors instead of the names, which tends to be pretty confusing. I just wanted to touch on that briefly since it's evident here, but I also know that it's one of the things that you're trying to work on.

Also, there's a line that stuck out to me because of the awkward word order at the end of it.

"I'm assuming they're not Exedor soldiers?" calmly said Yorew after a few seconds.


It should really be something more like this.

"I'm assuming they're not Exedor soldiers?" Yorew calmly said after a few seconds.


I agree with what @Ventomology in regards to the magic of the world, although I should add that I didn't find it as shocking. However, I'm guessing that's because I have a basic idea of how it works from the roleplays that we've done together in the past.

It was great getting to see Jonah finally get a bit of what he deserves - I admit that I wasn't too worried when I saw him get in trouble because of his argument. I also liked how you showed more of Eremia's intelligence in this chapter by having her analyze possible endings to their current situations.

And I can't wait to see more of Deer Boy!

I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!




TheSilverFox says...


Yay, thanks for the review! I got rid of most of the descriptors in the next chapter, so it would be cool to know your thoughts on whether or not that improves things. Also, thanks for pointing out the line, because it definitely reads poorly (yet another wonderful trait of my older writing); I'll be sure to correct it in editing. Otherwise, the magic system can be relatively complicated, and I want to explain it at some point (I don't think I've done it well enough thus far, unfortunately); Jonah's not going to have it easy from here on out; and Deer Boy is going to have plenty of appearances, for sure. Once more, thanks!



Mageheart says...


You're welcome! When I get a chance to review that next chapter - which should hopefully be very soon - I'll make sure to tell you my thoughts on that. And trust me when I say that I've had plenty of weird word order in my writing too.



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Thu Aug 24, 2017 6:09 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Heyo! I don't have any witty or self-deprecating introductory comments this week, so let's just dive right in:

Technical Comments:

1. Dear lord that 'the girl' 'the boy' stuff still throws me off so much. I feel like that's a pretty low-effort fix that you could push through before posting each week's chapter, since you wrote these like 3 months ago and probably don't want to hear me complain about your nouns anymore.

2. Now for an actual comment: Because you don't have an established "narrator's voice," I would avoid skipping over implied words the way we often can in speech. Case in point, this line:

Here was a soldier, and he looked a strong and fast one.

Here, you skipped the 'to be' or 'like' that would fit in between 'looked' and 'a. 'Now, if you had a strong, established, conversational narrating voice, I would not have called you out on this line, or others like it, because when we talk, we skip words all the time. The inflections and personality involved a strong voice make it easier to roll with and understand implied (and therefor skipped) words.

Additionally, all those name replacements, which separate us from Eremia's point of view, also add to this objectivity that makes it difficult to dip conversational. In Conics, Ellipse is effectively the narrator, even though the story is told in third person, and so she can insert conversational elements into the narration without it being inconsistent. Even in stories where the narrator is not a character in the story, the fact that the narrator has a character at all makes it easy to roll with a conversational insert.

However, you have not established the narrator as a character. Your narration is objective and proper, separated from the events that happen, and that makes elements of conversation, even little ones like the line I mentioned, seem jarring and out of place.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. Gosh darn it, little bro. Jonah needs to chill. (And I totally knew he was about to get into trouble. Nice job setting that up in the last part.)

2. We need a little more explanation on the magic at this point. It doesn't have to be a full out explanation, but aside from exhaustion, there are no clear limits on the extent of Eremia or Jonah's capabilities. There has been very little about their possible specializations, or how they actually feel while using/channeling magic. And while those aren't really huge mechanic details, they do help connect the reader to the magic being used, and help set practical (if not actual) boundaries for what could happen in the future.

I point this out because the deer thing was way confusing. The name replacing did not help, of course, but I was still super confused, because the deer came 100% out of nowhere, and I was never given any kind of hints regarding Jonah's ability to turn into an animal.

3. Aside from that little worldbuilding thing, this is a nice conclusion to the buildup and knowledge we saw in the previous chapter, and I can definitely see this becoming a common occurrence and plot device in the future. I look forward to seeing what flight-from-pursuers-no-2 will result in.

That's it this week. I definitely wrote a lot in that technical section, but it's actually not a super big deal; I just like delving into that kind of nitpicky stylistic stuff. Besides, you've probably got your narration pinned down more concretely by now.

Until next time,
-Buggie




TheSilverFox says...


fffffffffffff if my stupid use of bland names confused you into thinking it was Jonah who could change into a deer, I'm definitely going to have to start editing these things. I will point out that Jonah's out-of-action and tied up at the moment, and will be for most of the rest of this fight. I'll also keep in mind the consistent narration thing (especially because that sentence has always looked odd to me, or it seems about as fanciful and annoying as my older writing). Also, I'm pretty sure I do a bad job of explaining the magic system, if I chose to explain it at all; sorry about that. Though, in this case, people turning into animals is not exactly connected to the magic system, and not to be confused with animals turning into people, which itself is a different process.

...I thought I was good at explaining things, but this novel is a strong rebuttal to that argument. Anyways, thanks for the review! It's helpful and informative!



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Tue Aug 22, 2017 4:14 pm
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review!

This chapter is pretty much a scene, and a lack-of-dialogue one at that. I'm pleased to see how the trouble the Prince's having is replaced with a lethal one involving the gangsters. I'm also pleased to see how it isn't one of the scene where it showcases action for the sake of action, and uses it to introduce a new character, a mysterious one, a boy who's a master of the arrow (yey for marksmanship!) which I'm sure we're going to learn more later.

While Eremia's character remains consistent here, it seems to me she's more of an observer instead of being a PoV character. Granted, we are experiencing thing not through first PoV, and yet since she is the character whose experience is what written down here, I'm expecting more of her voice to show up here. Considering how serious the situation right now, with surprise piling over another, there's a lot of opportunities to show her reactions as well as her monologues. It would make the chapter more poignant and gives us a deeper connection in order to be able to root for her.

Just to clear things up, at the ending, does Eremia get away from the scene while the newcomer fights her attackers, and Yorew leaving behind to heal him? If that is so, I'm curious as to where this would lead us. Are we going to be shown Eremia trying her best to navigate around the place and finally meeting with her servant and brother back, or is she going to retreat and wait while the fight proceeds? While the former seems to be an interesting choice and would make the chapter more character-driven, I think the latter is a safer option as she doesn't seem to think it's better to be on her own rather than being with her man.

And that is all! Nothing much to say here. Keep up the good job! :D




TheSilverFox says...


Yay, thanks for the review! The new character is definitely going to be making some appearances in the future, so keep an eye out for that. I'd like to mention that these chapters were written a while ago, so I'm not entirely sure what exactly happened next. Besides, anything I say would be spoilers, and that'd be mean. As far as I remember, though, my inability to provide the actual feelings and thoughts of the PoV of the chapter is going to last a while. It would be cool if you could point it out when I do it again in future chapters, just to help me with editing and stuff. Regardless, what a nice review! Thanks!




"Honestly, I think the world is going to end bloody. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't fight. We do have choices."
— Dean Winchester