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16+

Chapter 15.2

by TheSilverFox


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Author's Notes: 1,045 words.  Haha have some surprise character development for two minor characters.

Drusus, holding a short sword, weakly swiped the air in front of his canine opponent.

"You thought that dagger would be useful?" the wolf said, raising his own blade and stabbing at Drusus. It caught the edge of Drusus's robes, which tore as he leaped back.

Now preparing a defensive stance, Kasimir's strategist breathed deeply, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "It will do fine," he said, before sidestepping another strike.

"Where's your energy?" The wolf rushed towards Drusus, kicking at a leg with his clawed feet. Drusus winced and nearly fell on his knees. Looking smug, the wolf ignored Drusus reaching out for the wolf’s sword until it was too late.

"Right here!" replied Drusus, grabbing his opponent's sword hand and thrusting his dagger at the wolf's middle.

Surprised, the wolf regained his senses and countered almost immediately, shoving the sword in their hands towards the dagger. The dagger landed harmlessly on the dusty ground, thanks to the wolf's strength. He then pushed forward, sending them both toppling onto the ground, the sword embedding itself in the box that Drusus had been sitting on before the fight.

"Well done," Drusus said, looking up into the wolf's burning-forest eyes. The wolf immediately rose up, so that Drusus could prop himself on his elbows, but the gap between them couldn't hold anything larger than an apple. "Why do you even need me around, Torion?"

"You know exactly why," Torion said, smirked.

Drusus sighed when, as expected, the moment fell apart with the arrival of someone in blue and silver armor. He gestured for them to speak as Torion hesitantly pulled away and sat on the ground, looking at his sword.

"Valeri would like to inform you that he has received a letter from his son," they said. "His situation is well; Pfanxi still holds the route into Claec, the borders are secure, and he wishes you all well."

"Isn't that what the King always says?" Torion commented dryly, sounding upset. "Why does he have to bother us with this?"

The messenger shrugged. "Be fortunate that Valeri did not have to tell you himself. Finish with whatever it is you're doing, because we'll be leaving before noon. Kasimir would like to speak with the both of you shortly, so you had best come to him." They marched off without hesitation, joining the moving throngs of people.

Drusus stood up and brushed himself off, looking around to make sure that nobody else was watching. "Our King must be putting the final details on his plan."

"Yeah, I could tell," Torion said, leaning back to stare up at the blue sky. "Is everything packed up?"

"As far as I am aware, yes" said Drusus, sitting in front of Torion and joining him in watching the clouds. "At least we are fortunate enough to not have had to do it ourselves."

Torion ran the back of his furry hand through Drusus's hair and laughed. "The King needs that smart head of yours. What's the good of it if you're using your hands to lift some books?"

Pulling a red apple from his pocket, Drusus took a bite out of it and swallowed. "Fair point. Though, I could’ve had someone to talk to while I worked."

"Nah, I would’ve done the work for you," Torion said, placing an arm around Drusus's chest. "It would’ve been an hour, maybe?"

They were silent for a little while. Drusus eased his head onto Torion's chest and smiled, still eating the apple. Drusus could spot, from the corner of his eyes, a few people walking by, but they quickly averted their gazes and moved on. The two were alone, the sun warming them and rewarding them for their minute's laziness. They had had many moments like this in the past, beginning almost as soon as they'd first met, back when Kasimir had promoted Drusus to assistant strategist and personally welcomed him to the City of Axes. That had been before the lead strategist had retired (whether by force or not, Drusus didn't know, as the old, half-blind codger had little respect for Kasimir), and he’d been faced with a whole new world of responsibility and service. At least the King Walety and the King of the Bears were young themselves.

But he was thinking too much. Besides, Torion was raising his hands over Drusus's head and conjuring tiny sparks. They danced between the fingers and gently floated onto Drusus's face. "Do you think I'm getting better at it?" Torion asked, wagging a finger playfully.

"Absolutely," Drusus said, putting his own hand through the wave of sparks. He yanked it back when it jolted him, but felt more amused than hurt. "You've been learning well. Still not much compared to this, of course." He concentrated, sending jolts of eletricity coursing through his body and arching onto the tip of his nose, shooting into the weak sparks and intensifiying them.

"Wow!" said Torion, yanking his hands back. "It doesn't get old, that's for sure." He went back to embracing Drusus, placing his chin on the strategist's shoulder. "Hey, remember that day when we first met? Wasn't that fun?"

Drusus threw the apple core aside. "Hmmm...if I recall correctly, I caught you getting dressed, and you immediately tried to hide behind a closet. And you tripped on your pants and fell onto the floor."

If Torion could blush, Drusus had the suspicion that he would’ve. "Y-you did pick me up, wasn't it?" said the wolf after a few seconds of awkward silence. "I don't...uh...don't remember looking that silly."

"You looked fine," said Drusus reassuringly, gently pushing himself up off the ground. "Now, let us see how the King's doing, and prepare for his little game, and find out what that creepy child hopes to do. As for now, I would like to have my leg checked on."

"You said the Mad King thinks he can ransom that kid or hold him hostage, and bring Wyandanch to its knees. Honestly, I'm worried that the kid's going to cause some problems of his own. Do you know how strong he is? They said he-" Drusus's words sunk in. "Woah, I'm sorry, I didn't know."

Standing, Drusus smiled and pulled the frightened Torion up. "No worries; it didn't hurt at all."


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Sun Mar 25, 2018 12:47 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, TheSilverFox! I hope my review can do your work justice.

Grammar and Syntax

No problems here, so I'll talk about the other sections.

Characters

I wholeheartedly approve of the character development for these two minor characters. Their conversation and banter was pretty entertaining to read; your novel's been pretty heavy in regards to the plot, so just seeing a conversation between these two guys was quite refreshing. I see that they're already quite close from how amicable they are towards each other.

(On a somewhat related note, I remember you mentioning multiple LGBTQ+ characters when I asked about in one review. Are these guys possibly going to be a couple later on? I do love some good old healthy friendships, but they have a wonderful chemistry going and would definitely have the potential.)

Plot

Like I mentioned in the last section, this chapter wasn't overwhelming - it was like a breath of fresh air. I feel like it also did a great job at catching the reader up to speed. Here's the movement of these certain key characters, and here's what will probably happen next. I suspect we'll finally find out how things have been going with Jonah, though that's only wishful thinking on my part. But I'm certainly excited for the next installment!

I really enjoyed reading your work. While there may have been a few rough spots, it's overall a wonderful piece of writing. If you feel like some parts of my review need further explanation or just aren't good enough, please let me know. I'd gladly clear up anything about this review.

Keep up the great work (which I doubt you'll have trouble with) and good luck on your writing endeavors!




TheSilverFox says...


This chapter was definitely meant to be more lighthearted than the others - it covers Team B's better members. I'm very bad at human interaction, so I'm happy to see I got the dialogue right. And yeah, I'm reasonably sure it isn't spoilers to say they are/will be a couple (they're so adorable to write for)? Thanks for the review!



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Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:32 am
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Virgil wrote a review...



Yo Silv. I don't believe I've read any of the other chapters from this novel, but since it's Review Day, why not? Let's delve right in.

"Where's your energy?" The wolf rushed towards Drusus, kicking at a leg with his clawed feet. Drusus winced and nearly fell on his knees. Looking smug, the wolf ignored Drusus reaching out for the wolf’s sword until it was too late.


In the second sentence, you use the word 'wolf' twice which is a little repetitive. In fact, the word wolf is used quite a bit in the first half of the chapter. I'd suggest giving him a name unless that name is a detail that'll be revealed later on in the novel? If the name's not of importance, though, I'd suggest giving him one here so you can switch between that and 'wolf' to keep the work fresh. Unless Torion is the wolf and I didn't realize/associate, woops.

The fight scene at the beginning of this chapter is interesting. I always love when strategy comes into play in fictional battles and I also love sword fights when executed well. Tactics such as grabbing another's weapon, knocking an opponent's weapon out of their hand, parrying with a weapon or any description of a move that takes a bit more skill spices up a fight.

They were silent for a little while. Drusus eased his head onto Torion's chest and smiled, still eating the apple. Drusus could spot, from the corner of his eyes, a few people walking by, but they quickly averted their gazes and moved on. The two were alone, the sun warming them and rewarding them for their minute's laziness. They had had many moments like this in the past, beginning almost as soon as they'd first met, back when Kasimir had promoted Drusus to assistant strategist and personally welcomed him to the City of Axes. That had been before the lead strategist had retired (whether by force or not, Drusus didn't know, as the old, half-blind codger had little respect for Kasimir), and he’d been faced with a whole new world of responsibility and service. At least the King Walety and the King of the Bears were young themselves.


For the most part, the dialogue between Drusus and Torion flows smoothly, though I have to say that this paragraph's kinda similar to the iceberg of the Titanic. Instead of having this be all one large wall of text, this can be broken up for easier consumption for the reader. Make this information and these thoughts more interesting to swallow. I realize this puts emphasis on him thinking too much, but that can be done with different structure, too.

You seem stronger in dialogue than in other elements such as description, which is what I wanted to touch on at the end here. If there's anything to add to this chapter to make this more well-rounded or better, imagery or flavorful description's the answer. Though a ton definitely isn't needed, a bit more doesn't hurt and can reinforce the rest of the chapter.

Overall, the fight scene's nice but not the strongest I've seen--polishing up there is a suggestion I have. The dialogue's more the highlight of the chapter and there's a tiny lack of description, though this is straight-up solid from what I read. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.




TheSilverFox says...


hmm...normally I suck at dialogue and have too much description. This is a nice change of page, I suppose? In any case, I probably should've just named Torion from the start, to be honest. I'll keep in mind polishing the fighting scene, throwing in some more descriptions, and breaking down that monster of an iceberg.

...I really wish there was more I could say than "I agree with everything about this review." Still, thanks!




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