Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Author's Notes: 997 words. Edited on request. Buggie, this may be a choice, but I dunno if it's solid or well-executed? I'd like to think that she knows enough to know that a. Catharnach is crazy, and b. You don't kill his loved ones. Either way, everyone is impulsive and stupid, and Eremia should seriously at least be dragging her brother along (as much as he'd complain about it). I could also do a brief interlude between this and Chapter 4.3 where she gets her arm healed and we learn a little more about protagonist squad (or, better yet, they actually go and heal everybody when it's necessary).
That woke up Jonah, who quickly realized their predicament as the equally-flustered horse charged wildly through the battleground, leading over a fire or two. Eremia knew that she had to restrain the beast before it killed itself and them, so she yanked back as hard as she could. That wasn't effective enough, as the frightened creature, head pulled back slightly, snorted and persisted. Jonah bellowed as well, and pain coursed through the girl as her muscles strained themselves and her raging headache persisted. Why had she forgotten to tell anybody about her broken arm?
However, the screaming suddenly began to diminish, and the siblings realized that they were close to the fighting's edge. Eremia continued to fight the horse, but found herself rising in the air as the creature quickly stopped and reared in surprise, as it had almost come down upon a burning tent. Caught in surprise, Eremia freaked out and let go of the reins, grabbing Jonah by his neck collar as they collapsed onto the ground and the horse wheeled around. They rolled out of the way to avoiding being crushed underfoot as it sped off into the battlefield, likely looking for its master.
Jonah lifted himself up, not caring to brush off any of the dust or blood that matted his outfit, and pulled Eremia up. Together they stood, watching the screaming and shouting that marked this violence as it raged onwards. "I have to see if he's okay," Eremia mumbled, before she mustered her courage and ran back into the fray. No matter what happened, she decided that she and everyone she cared about who was still stuck with her was better off with Alarick than with that boisterous and murderous prince. Thus, she needed to assure that the former was still alive. Jonah screamed for her to come back, but she paid no attention, and it wasn't long before Eremia could hear his distant voice grow louder and closer.
They hadn't traveled far, and mostly in a straight line. Eremia skirted around fires and ducked under shots, jumping out of the way as an errant cavalryman pulled out a sword and tried to stab at her, but miscalculated and ended up speeding away. After just a short time, she saw the figure of Alarick in the distance, wearing a metal suit. Now Alarick was exerting an incredible amount of effort, and a second's vision made clear that he was lifting the Eimhin prince into the air, before casting him down upon a pit of what looked like one of the army's latrines. Eremia gagged, as did Jonah when he arrived, out of breath and paler than ever.
"I didn't think that you would be this conniving," Alairck grumbled, as his opponent sloshed in the muck and tried to rise. Alarick's horse was now at his side, and he patted the beast while his sword was pointed at the prince. "You have killed my soldiers, threatened my people, and endangered the lives of innocents. I am tired of your petty threats. War or not, it makes me happy to see you trapped in the crap that your father helped to build, and that your cousin had to die for it. War or not, there is blood to be paid for blood, and we know whose it will be."
He raised his sword in the air. The prince held out a hand over his face and tried to lay low. Eremia screamed in frustration and ran over to Alarick. "Stop!" she cried, grabbing his sword arm with both of hers while ignoring the terrible pain.
Alarick, with his incredibly imposing and mildly-bloodshot gaze, turned his entire focus on her. "Madame, why would you dare?"
Eremia stammered and grew quiet for a few seconds, yet her fury and overwhelming tension with the world at large superseded her fear. "I have seen death before, in old nurses, attendants, and friends. It has always been uncommon, quiet, and peaceful. Today, I have seen countless people die violently. I am tired of it, and I will not have another, heinous as he might be. Whether you let him live or die, you will start a war. I know enough that, if you kill him, his father will come down upon all of us, and there will be nothing to save us when the madman becomes crazier. Let him go."
A couple of Eimhin archers nearby jumped off of their horses and stood by the pit, bending over and grasping the prince's hands to pull him up. Alarick looked between Eremia and them repeatedly. At first, swiftly, but it soon became a slow and thoughtful gesture. The anger faded from his face, and he returned to his sad expression. He waved them off, and the men seemed to nod in response. "I would let your father know that he was unwise to let a fool do his errand," Alarick said bitterly.
The Prince Eimhin's face twitched, but he, recognizing that he had narrowly gotten away with his life, called out, "Retreat!" This cry was echoed by his men, and then through further voices in the cavalry
"Leave me be," whispered Alarick as he walked off, bringing his horse with him while he shrugged aside Eremia before she could say anything. The siblings watched as Ailean was lifted onto a horse and carried away from the battlefield, and the entirety of the remainder of the Eimhin cavalry picked up the command and began rushing away from the campsite. There was only the sound of dashing horses and the shouting of injured men, and even the dust was beginning to fade away. Their sense of order and pride was amazing, though it meant that Eremia could now see a steady stream of healer's energy and the rushing of soldiers as they made to tally the dead and injured, and take control of the situation.
That was all Eremia could remember before her senses caught up with her, and she fainted.
End of chapter
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Hello, TheSilverFox! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful.
Like with the previous chapters, I have no complaints with your overall grammar! Also, like with those previous chapters, I'll highlight some of the other parts of your story.
My favorite part about this chapter was Eremia's decision to act. Though you did show some of it when they were escaping from the castle, you haven't been able to show off her intelligence and kindness as much as you did with this one part. You've shown glimpses of what she's like in the previous parts of your story, but this was the time when she came alive. She's a diplomatic and powerful speaker, and that speaks loads for a character in a story that's so heavy with politics. Eremia's power doesn't reside only in her magical abilities.
As someone who made sure her pain was known when she broke her toe (though I was only eight/nine at the time), this line made me even more impressed by Eremia. I really want to see a scene where someone - such as a healer - comments on how no one realized her arm was even broken.
If you couldn't tell, I love how cool Eremia was in this chapter.
I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
Hmm, I dunno if the broken arm thing really fits. I mean, it seems like, even with a whole lot of adrenaline, she should be noticing something. Even if she doesn't, she would certainly notice her arm at an odd angle at some point in this part. Eh, she could be exaggerating, and it might be more like a sprain, though I'm not familiar with injuries corresponding to getting thrown off a fast-moving horse. Nevertheless, this is her time to shine, and I'm happy that you like it. Thanks for the review!
You're welcome! I love reading about Eremia. She's such a cool protagonist!
Ooh Eremia finally gets stuff done!
...I should probably get stuff done too.
Technical Comments:
1. Small thing, but I feel like the "That woke Jonah up" line is probably not a good place to break this chapter. Like, I know the last one was kind of long and maybe you were worried about that, but in general you don't want to break action up over chapters unless there's some kind of dialogue/retreat lull.
2. Why must you persist on using the word persist so often.
3. I get the feeling you were trying to catch all the senses here, judging by some of the sound words? You might want to work on those sound words though, since I feel like they could, in general, be more concise/dramatic/descriptive. "Shouting" and "sound of such-and-such" can only take you so far.
Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:
1. As I mentioned before, I'm so glad Eremia finally did a thing. I feel like this is a kind of dramatic first thing, but go big or go home, right? It's also good insight into her character, because you've made it very clear now what her priorities regarding other people and war are, and I like it.
Just don't turn her kindness into a weakness because I hate that trope, and the world-sucks message that people tend to think is really great is not actually great.
2. Less a fan of the fainting thing, but I'll let it slide because you've had her being exhausted and injured for so many chapters. I just feel like fainting in general is a kind of cover-up ending and not as satisfying as other possible closers.
That's it for this week. I definitely see a rest chapter coming up, so I look forward to seeing how you handle this cool down.
Later!
-Buggie
(Also I totally forgot to mark the review button last time so I reposted it sorry)
Thanks! Well, the world does suck, but the kinder people are usually better off (even among the antagonists). As for "persist," odds are that's another word that fell into favor with me for a while and then I got bored with it - I'm not sure if I even use it anymore. I'll keep in mind the part breaks and all of your other advice. Fainting does annoy me these days, because it's sort-of a cheap way to end a chapter, but I know I've used it at least once or twice more in the story, so you'll likely see it again. All in all, thanks for the review!
P.S.: I'll handle the blank comment below, don't worry about it.