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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Chapter 18.4

by TheSilverFox


Author's Notes: 1,485.  Yeah, pretty lovely.

"Are they not lovely?"

Seated on his throne, the King of Exedor relaxed on an array of colorful pillows, his young daughter resting on one knee. His green and blue robes blended with the cushions, leaving a homogeneous color pattern broken only by the silver crown poised atop his messy hair.

The well-dressed audience, assembled in the massive ballroom, watched the jesters at the center. The trio, wearing colorful outfits, summoned flames to create the image of a soaring bird speeding around the ceiling. Applause echoed through the space as the bird traced figure eights and flipped upside down, among other tricks. Embers drifted towards the ground, snuffed into oblivion by the few guards who coated them in the flakes of ice that sprouted from their fingers.

The young Eremia watched mesmerized, her four-year-old eyes bulging. She shouted with glee as the bird zoomed overhead, her father brushing away any embers long before they reached her.

On the other royal seat, Eurynome laughed sweetly, cradling a swaddled infant in her thin arms. "All for you, my princess," she said, the voice almost drowned out by the sounds of the audience.

Eremia tried to push herself off her father's knee, but he held her back. "It's dangerous," he said. "You needn't want to-"

He stopped. Everyone stopped talking, moving, breathing. Color drained from the room, turning it black and white. The windows, partly covered by curtains, showed an impenetrable darkness, making it look like the outside world had never existed.

Startled, Eremia pushed aside her father's cold, stiff arm and rose, finding herself to be a teenager again. She wheeled around to find his cheerful face frozen in time, smiling down at where his daughter had been.

Trying not to panic, she took a deep breath. This was clearly a dream, and she happened to be a lucid dreamer. To test out her talents, she glared at the bird over her head. It gradually regained all the tones of fire, eventually sprouting to life once more. The creature shrank in size as it neared her, perching on her shoulder and making the shrill cry of an eagle. There wasn't a burn in her clothes.

Eremia stepped down the stairs towards the floor, passing over the blue carpet. "What else did happen here?" she said aloud. "I wish that I remembered more."

Her voice echoed off the walls. Not a response came back. Eremia walked up to one of the revelers, flicking his nose. The jolly-faced man remained unresponsive, caught in the middle of downing a glass of wine (he held another in his other hand).

"Foolish."

Unlike all the other noises she'd heard thus far, this shot through the setting without an echo, as though it were an arrow aimed directly at her. She flinched as it clapped around her eardrums, the flaming bird on her arm crying out in alarm and beating its wings dangerously close to her hair. Eremia scanned the faces of the frozen partygoers, looking for some detail out of place - an object, a person, even hints of light or wind. Nothing save loud, slow footsteps greeted her efforts, and they appeared to be coming from behind a closed door to her right. She knew, from the times she had spent in the mansion, that there was a long hallway leading out to an open garden behind that entrance. Indeed, hints of sweet flowers now tinged the air.

"Little!" the voice said, the word slicing through the air like its predecessor. The footsteps stopped. Eremia, heart beating rapidly, pointed towards the thickset door. Squawking, the bird arced above her head, landing briefly on her index finger before it launched itself to the entrance. She retracted her hand in surprise, holding it firmly in the other as she inspected the fingers for any damage. One felt hot, but there wasn’t any harm done – she muttered to herself a vague excuse about being surprised, blushing over forgetting where she was.

The bird's wings stuck into the entrance, burning holes through the wood. An acrid smell emanated over the ballroom, causing Eremia to wrinkle her nose in disgust when she looked up from her hand. She gasped in alarm when she saw flames, but knew that there was no point in holding back. This was all fake, after all, and she wanted to get to the heart of the matter. On hearing her shout, the bird briefly stopped and looked at her, waiting for her approval; she nodded, and it persisted.

By the time the two oversized wings had eaten their way through most of the door, the footsteps resumed. The doorknob trembled, like someone were handling it delicately. Sweating and breathing rapidly from what she wanted to believe was the smoke, Eremia willed the bird to triple its size. Its cry grew deeper as it complied, shoving its way through the gaps it had made in the wood. As soon as the door started to swing open, it exploded in a shower of flaming splinters, shooting both into the hall and the room.

Eremia ducked, falling to her knees and covering her head with her arms. The cloud of smoke and timber soared over her head, drowning out her ears in their booming crescendo. Though she avoided most of the blast, the overwhelming force was enough to catch her in the chest. Her vision spun as she was thrust back, head landing harshly on the wooden floor.

And then it arrived, and she felt like she was right back in the wagon. As she stared at the ceiling, feeling like somebody had split her head open, she could see Jonah, glaring at her from white pupils. No, this wasn’t Jonah, but she didn’t know what else to call the creature in his body. It held the weakened, frail, small bird in one hand, throwing it to the side as their eyes met. She was so tired and surprised that she couldn’t say a word, much less call the bird back into play.

The blues, reds, greens, and other colors of the ballroom seeped back from around Jonah's head, consuming their surroundings slowly. Its scowl deepened; the frown seemed to be saying that she was a nuisance that had better keep away from its plans. She soon realized her brain was picking up Jonah’s thoughts, though Jonah never opened its mouth.

It leaned over in Jonah's normal, childish fashion – arms crossed and with a nasty smirk - and reached out to touch her forehead. "Girl!" it shouted at last, sound waves pushing through the scene and reanimating all the onlookers. Colors burst out of the walls and people in a kaleidoscopic effect, settling back down as the rest of the memory fell on Eremia.

And then she was a child again, sitting on her father's knee. The bird, back to its grand stature, passed by once more, ballooning in size and exploding into the images of numerous small doves. The audience cheered as the jesters beckoned for the doves to come closer. Each burst into small balls of fire on contact with the jesters' hands, shrinking as the grip around each one grew tighter. A round of applause greeted the showmen as the last of the fire dissipated, their light replaced by the brilliant gleam of numerous candles superimposed on the chandelier and scattered among the walls, which cast a myriad of lively shadows.

The jesters bowed, one at a time, waiting for the clapping and cheering to desist. One, in a loud, high-pitched voice, struck up a conversation with the King. Eremia's four-year-old mind was too awed by the sight of the glorious bird to understand a word; mostly, she felt disappointed that it had gone.

"Come now, you need your rest," said an elderly maid, picking up Eremia and lifting her away from her father, who was laughing heartily. The maid set Eremia on the ground, taking her hand as they walked off to the side. Guards stood at attention, fists closed around their spears and sword hilts as they parted to make way for the duo, who proceeded down the steps and arrived at a door.

Pushing the door open, the maid led Eremia down the long, dimly-lit hallway, towards a garden illuminated by the moons and the night sky.

The edges of the world began to fray. The tapestry that was the memory tore at itself, making the setting vaguer and cloudier. Growing older by the second (she didn't know how else to think of it, other than that she was pulling away from the memory and back towards lucidity), Eremia easily wrenched her hand from the maid's. She sprinted for the garden, trying to outpace the wall of dense fog that consumed the hallway. It sped ahead of her, however, and she awoke, seconds away from bursting into the garden and touching the green leaves of the spring trees.


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Fri Jun 22, 2018 12:39 am
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello. Read bits and pieces of this in the past, not enough to have the faintest idea of what is going on.

And do I ever not have the faintest idea of what is going on.

This chapter, I assume, introduces something— I can easily assume it provides character, magic, context, and fears.

But none of those seem to impact her.

This is a dazzling display of the outward, but as a result the inner journey has been sorely neglected, and I keep trying to grasp how this is supposed to impact her.

How does she feel being called a foolish little girl? How does she feel seeing somebody she apparently knows, maybe cares for, being possessed? Does it leave her sick to her stomach? Is she cursing her subconscious for pulling that image of all images? Is there somebody Else controlling the dream and she knows it because of certain tells?

I'm asking all of those questions and I'd really like to know the answers, because otherwise this scene seems absolutely purposeless. I'm wondering if I could have skipped reading it completely, because there's no hint of previous plot and no hint of future plot in the events that transpired here.

It's a flashback, then a display of magic, then a flashback, and I can't list a single bit of character or plot that comes from it.

Give this a purpose.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~ Rosey




TheSilverFox says...


Iiiiii should revoke any claim that I was getting better at the personal side of things. Hmm.

Yep, the chapter mostly props a couple chevok's guns on the shelf, none of which are fired until much later. I'll have to take a hammer to this.

Thanks for the review!



Rosendorn says...


it's not the chevok's guns that are the problem. It's the fact every chevok's gun needs to do something now as well as later that's the problem.

The way to properly hide a chevok's gun is to give it a totally different purpose in the present, something easily swept aside, something easily explained. Once you have a present purpose, the gun becomes ignorable, then you get a reveal and oh good lord where did that come from.

Honestly, I could tell you were trying for emotions in this. You're just not good enough to properly dig into it, to properly weave it in, and I'm mostly pointing you in the direction of small little changes you can make to take you from trying to work emotions in and actually putting emotions in.

(here's the secret that saved my emotive writing: you have to not only show readers an emotional scene, but you have to tell them what the emotional scene means, because relying 100% on people reacting the same way as your character is a recipe for disaster. Me, erring on the side of night terrors often enough they're normal, would simply grumble and shrug such a nightmare off... so I'm left wondering why a whole scene is dedicated to it. If you slipped in a line here or there about how the character feels, that gives me the frame of reference I need to feel the emotions in response to the situation, and emotive writing is much stronger)



TheSilverFox says...


ahhh, I'll keep that in mind, thanks!



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Sat Jun 02, 2018 3:33 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, TheSilverFox! I hope my review can do your work justice.

Ooh, interesting! I've never read a story where a protagonist was a lucid dreamer. It's a unique touch that I hope you include more of in the future. Seeing that not!Jonah showed up, I suspect this won't be the last time Eremia deals with a mix of memory and dream. There's not too much to comment on in terms of the grammar or even the grammar, so I'll try sticking with the plot.

I enjoyed reading how you wove together Eremia's past with the present. The transitions were smooth, and the usage of italics made it easier to determine which part was a memory and which part wasn't. I'm curious to why she thought of that memory in particular, but I'm sure I'll find out in a future chapter.

There's also the issue with not!Jonah. For supposedly being a figment of her imagination, he seemed to have more control than I would have guessed. If he was a part of her dream, she should have been able to control him - after all, you made her abilities quite clear from her exploration after the first part of the memory. If anything, it seems like not!Jonah was controlling her. She only returned to the memory after he started shouting.

Keep up the great work (which I doubt you'll have trouble with) and good luck on your writing endeavors!




TheSilverFox says...


I threw in the lucid dreamer part because it fit her personality, and it's certainly something I wouldn't mind writing about in the future. Maybe I could throw in one memory/dream mashup sometime after I wrap up the big event I'm writing about right now?

Nope, that particular memory isn't too relevant! It was mainly so I could throw in some extremely distant foreshadowing, look into the relationships in Eremia's family when she was young, and have an interesting backdrop for her confrontation with not!Jonah.

Haha yeah, she would be able to control it if it were a figment of her imagination. Everything that previous sentence could mean is left as an exercise for the reader. :P

All in all, thanks for the review! :D



TheSilverFox says...


woah, this reminds me of evil pyramid tophat guy. @_@



TheSilverFox says...


(you know who evil pyramid tophat guy is, right)



Mageheart says...


Bill Cipher, right? Never saw him in the few episodes of Gravity Falls I watched but the internet is a wonderful teacher sometimes.



TheSilverFox says...


haha yep, cipher! I'm about halfway through gravity falls, and I have to say, he's a...very interesting character. o-o




The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
— Unknown