z

Young Writers Society


16+

Chapter 20.4

by TheSilverFox


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Author's Notes: 1,567 words.  This is probably bad, but I really enjoyed writing it, so meh.

"How can you be this mad!" said Alsather, flinging papers onto the table. "I had thought insanity would not spread from our dear little ally."

"It's called sacrifice," Kasimir said, grabbing the papers and pulling them away from the large map at the table’s center. "I'm willing to lose a lot few pieces to have that boy in our control."

Alsather scoffed, raising his chin even higher. "As far as I know, he controls himself and works for Catharnach. Without Karikoff, we have even fewer ways to prevent The Mad King from - dare I say it - succeeding."

Sitting beside Kasimir, Drusus tapped a finger on the wooden table to get attention. As all eyes turned on him, he said simply, "Hence the rest of the plan."

"You, the supposed 'genius' who bested his father and cousin," Alsather said, pointing to Kasimir, "would like to use few soldiers to seize too many targets while relying on no vantage points?"

Kasimir stuck his index finger on a point on the map. "This one spot," he said, emphasizing each word, "is the perfect opportunity to catch them off guard."

Leaning over to spot the point, Alsather laughed bitterly. "Do you honestly think this will convince me?" He shook his head. "You will not have my support, I must say."

"Do you know how long we've planned this?" Kasimir said, slamming a fist on the table. He stood up, knocking his chair onto the ground. "Will you just give up like the crawling thing you are because you can’t stand a little risk?"

Smiling, Alsather looked beatific. "Yes," he said, expression instantly turning malevolent. “This is hardly a ‘little risk.’ You should know how little of a coward I am."

"Your country surrendered to mine!" spat back Kasimir, his fingers shooting down and grabbing the edges of the table. Drusus gripped one arm and tried to pull it back, gesturing for Torion, who stood by the opening, to do the same to the other. "Yeah, you stupid bastard, I made you kneel!"

Alsather's grin faded. "Good point, though it means little. Do you think you can call upon your army when you are dealing in mine?" He pointed two fingers towards a corner of the tent. The lady with the cataract eyes, carrying a knife in each hand, stepped out and bowed.

It was here that Drusus realized that only Kasimir's self-control kept him from breaking free, leaping across the table, and strangling Alsather. As a royal, Kasimir had been trained to lift small boulders and take shots of lightning to the chest; he could make quick work of Drusus and Torion. That healers had the ability to augument one's body always impressed Drusus, but now it terrified him.

"Now now," said the blonde-haired lady, leaning against a cabinet and grinning. "Who wants a diplomatic incident?"

"Precisely," Alsather said while scowling at the blonde-haired lady. "Your lout of a king appears to."

Kasimir's grip on the table grew tighter, and Drusus swore he could hear the snapping of wood. "Why don't I bring down my army on your head?!" Kasimir said.

That proud voice of Alsather's intensified. "Tsk tsk," he said, wagging a finger. "Because it would kill too many people, because that boy would find us both a threat, and because we would never be able to storm Wyandanch."

Drusus internally nodded; all were rational explanations. Annoyingly, Alsather wasn't stupid.

The lady with the cataract eyes stood beside Alsather. Drusus could see her eyes scan over everyone, each face greeted by the twirl of a dagger. In response to this, the blonde-haired lady tried to walk towards Alsather's side of the table, but was intercepted by a few soldiers, spears withheld.

"Is that all?" Kasimir shouted, hair bristling. "Are you going to walk away and leave that madman in charge?"

Soldiers began to surround the small party. The blonde-haired lady, forced back, stood in front of Kasimir. Straining to look over her shoulder, Drusus spotted her sweet smile, noticing how it matched Alsather's pleased expression. Of course, she had just torn small pieces out of her dress with her hands. Alsather - lowered head, shaded face, crooked grin – looked devious. Drusus wondered if it was just because he enjoyed making Kasimir angry.

"I must," Alsather said. "You should not believe I like it - he wants my head as well. It does amuse me to see you reduced, but I had no high hopes in this plan from the start. You may certainly go ahead with it." He waved Kasimir's group away. "Take them to the edge of camp," he said.

In those few seconds, nobody moved. Kasimir clenched his fists, unclenched them, bowed his head, and nodded. He turned around, shoving Torion and Drusus aside, and marched off without a single word. As the soldiers crowded closer, the blonde-haired lady followed, saying what sounded like curses under her breath. The rest of Kasimir's associates took one last look at Alsather - now talking to the cataracts lady and shooting them annoyed glares - and ran off after their King, pursued by the slow steps of the soldiers.

"Plan B?" Drusus said as he caught up to Kasimir, their dusk shadows covering tents and passerby.

If Kasimir responded, Drusus didn't see it. Hunched, steps firm, Kasimir looked like a strange creature, massive arms ready to rip into anything in his way. The King stormed on ahead, the soldiers guarding the path parting over fear of colliding with him.

Slowing down, Drusus allowed Torion to catch up. The wolf had a fire in his eyes that grew brighter as they spotted each observing soldier. "Who does he think he is?" Torion said at last, pinpointing the thought that Drusus could read on his face. "That snake isn't even king!"

"I have always been a duchess," the blonde-haired lady said before Drusus could open his mouth, prancing past them. "But I’d have lost it without my claws."

"This isn't your conversation!" Torion shouted after her as she skipped besides Kasimir.

Drusus furrowed his eyebrows. "She is right," he said. "And he effectively is king."

Crossing his arms over his chest, Torion replied, "So what? He's still weaker, no matter what you want to call him."

"That's what Plan B is for," Drusus said, slipping an arm through Torion's. "to make sure of it."

Torion tried to come up with a response, but only managed to splutter and pull his arms back, holding Drusus's hand. They were silent for some time, scanning the last rays of the sun as they fell through the sharp spires that were The Pillars. The black shapes seemed to swallow up the light, leaving no trace that they were ever brighter than tar. In those plodding minutes spent marching down a hill, Drusus couldn't help but feel like the sunset was a symbol. Perhaps it stood for Wyandanch, now only a state of frauds, or the darkness that boy conjured. He hoped it didn't stand for his relationship.

"Do you think Kasimir'll try to get another meeting?" Torion said at last, as the group reached the end of the wave of purple and black flags and halted. Blue and silver ones extended into the distance a short way from where they stood.

Drusus spotted Kasimir speaking quietly to a few Walenty and Claec soldiers, gesturing something. They nodded and separated, letting the King pass. "With Alsather?" Drusus said, as he and Torion started walking again. "Unlikely - that man has made clear his decision is final. He also might be too bitter to gather his generals together until tomorrow."

"That's good," Torion said faintly, looking away.

A thought wormed its way into Drusus's head. "Any reason why you'd ask?" he said as innocently as he could, leaning against Torion and feeling the wolf's thick fur against the side of his head.

"I just - I just wanted to know. That's all, yeah," Torion said quickly, though taking care not to brush Drusus off. “Not because it was kind of terrifying but also we worked together and –”

Before Torion could say anything else, Drusus reached over and kissed him on the cheek.

Torion froze; were he not in his half-wolf form, he would likely be blushing. "W-w-well," he said, the rest lost in an indecipherable mess.

Mind lost in a cloud, Drusus barely noticed the onlookers turn away. He didn't care; there was only one person in the world he cared about. Torion, in the way that he stood still and couldn't muster the strength to lift a finger, looked so innocent and sweet. "That meeting shouldn't be a loss for everyone," Drusus said.

In the few seconds that followed, Torion slowly moved an arm. His face twitched, lips silently saying something until he came to a realization. He kissed Drusus in response. "How's that for a first kiss?" Torion said after their lips parted, now shaking and beaming.

Drusus laughed and held onto Torion's arms. "You need to brush your teeth sometime," he said at last, pushing through the rush of euphoria that had buried him.

"Oh, I, uh," Torion began, trying to let go out of embarrassment.

Drusus let go of one of Torion's arms to put a finger up to Torion's maw. "There's no harm done," he said. "It was wonderful." They, breathless and spirits lifted, embraced before the darkness of The Pillars.


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Tue Aug 21, 2018 2:02 am
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Vervain wrote a review...



Hey Silv! I haven't been around in a while, but I'm back! Back again! To kick you out of the Green Room!

Things we've gone over include description, dialogue tags, and iirc making your action more fast-paced -- you already know how I feel about all those things. ;D So let's jump into this chapter!

I think my topic for this chapter is NAMES. You have a lot of them. And you use a lot of them. While I'd rather we have too many names than too few, it feels like -- with this many characters in a scene -- we're being thrown a bucket of people and drawing them like, well, names from a hat.

(You also have a lot of "he did, doing this" sentences -- but that's a style improvement I think I've also pointed out before. Don't be afraid to say "He did this. This happened. He did that." instead of "He did this, doing that, and this happened in its wake".)

Anyway, this chapter is a lot of dialogue punctuated by not much else but names. It's hard to keep track of what's going on because -- if this was a movie, the camera would be whirling around to each of these guys in succession. This works for a short scene, but keeping it going for a prolonged amount of time makes it so we really have no idea what's going on. And the longer it goes, the less attention I pay to what they're actually doing. For all I know, Alsather could have stabbed Kasimir and he could be bleeding out while Kimiko watches from the corner and Galbatorix lounges in the throne room or whatever else is going on here.

My next point! Is a single word that jumps out at me:

Yeah.

Your pseudo-historical high fantasy nobility and generals and whatnot are saying yeah.

Now, while we of course have had multiple forms of the word "yes" over the centuries, of which "yeah" is one, it feels extremely modern to be including in this piece. Maybe try something like "yea" instead, or "aye", or something else that isn't so... "I'm a teenager on a skateboard who just knocked over your snowman"-feeling.

Another one is "Plan B?" which feels extremely modern as well.

Getting to the end of the scene, the names issue jumps out even more because we have Alsather and Kasimir talking about Catharnach and Karikoff, Kasimir held back by Drusus and Torion -- and the only character without a name is the blonde-haired lady. This is for a plot reason, I know, but it jumps out after such a list of characters coming up.

The transition to Drusus and Torion feels a little awkward at the end -- I think because we jump heads so much it's hard to get our footing. You're going for an epic fantasy omniscient here and falling a little short. I'd probably stick to one head per scene, and when you want to skip heads, do a scene break to make it a little clearer.

Hope this helps a bit! Keep writing!




TheSilverFox says...


damnit never named blonde-haired lady

lol this is such an ugly story and I am so proud of it somehow

I wish there was more I could say? I can definitely pare down the number of characters, get rid of the "yeah" and "Plan B," and rework that ending (because yeah, the shift is pretty sudden). Thanks for the review!



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Tue Jul 31, 2018 6:27 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hey, Silver! I'm here for my last review of the day.

I admit most of this chapter went flying over my head because I've forgotten some of the planning that went on in the previous chapters from several months ago, but I do remember the tension in those chapters. I feel like this chapter did an accurate job building it up even more. Strategy is never easy, especially when it involves a bunch of angry leaders trying to come up with a decent way to face not-Jonah. One of the things that I get a big kick out of with the whole Jonah situation is that while Eremia's trying to think of how she - just one person - can save her brother, there's a group of people trying to figure out the best way to use an army to take him down.

Drusus let go of one of Torion's arms to put a finger up to Torion's maw. "There's no harm done," he said. "It was wonderful." They, breathless and spirits lifted, embraced before the darkness of The Pillars.


This story is just getting gayer as it progresses and I have absolutely no complaints about that. I can use some queer fantasy stories in my life, and the more the merrier when it comes to how many characters are like that! Now if only I could magically get to the part of the book were Kendrik and Jaron come in, because those two are absolutely adorable.

I apologize for how short this review was, but there wasn't much I could comment on because of my aforementioned lack of memory with what happened in the previous planning sessions.

I can't wait to read the next chapter when it comes out!




TheSilverFox says...


This is such a gay chapter and I'm so proud of it. ;-;

Haha yeah, Eremia has no idea how in over her head she is. The antagonists are putting their heads together and still losing to something in the body of a 13-year-old, while she's assuming that Jonah's just some kind of pawn or prisoner. She'll, uh, find out the truth soon enough. xD

Thanks for the review!




cron
"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein