z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Chapter 2.3

by TheSilverFox


Author's Notes: 1,475 words.  Three things: 1. As if she was going to help him get away.  2. "Avian features" could be interpreted in two different ways.  3. I wonder how many words I could cut out of this.

It was finally nighttime at the castle. A faint wind blew over the spiraling towers as soldiers flew and kept watch in their air, sharp eyes scanning over the quaint and small houses and marketplaces of the surrounding city for anything out of the ordinary. From the east-facing side of the central mansion, a long, rectangular fountain extended towards one of the massive wooden castle gates, which was presently closed. Water slowly trickled from stone statues of young men with pails as soldiers marched about the magnificently carved fountain façade. The light of torches flickered in the area as guards passed among rows of neatly trimmed hedges, stomping along the grass by fruit trees. The atmosphere was dark, quiet, and neat. The proper security measures had been taken in the potential of an intrusion, and the lack of activity thus far did not indicate there would be any. Of course, nobody in the castle could've expected that somebody would be trying to break out, rather than in.

Yorew, Eremia, and Jonah crouched underneath the stony rim of the balcony, which itself resembled a small tower's top, the conical structure replaced with that of alternating raised and lowered stone formations. The boy, of course, kept his knife close to Eremia, who now wore the loose-fitting robes tied around her waist. It would've been far easier to breathe if she wasn't so nervous and sweaty, though on the verge of a panic attack.

Their servant peaked out to view the paths of the guards, evident by the dim lights of their torches. Satisfied by what he saw, he turned to the siblings and nodded. Jonah inched his knife closer to his sister's neck, but hesitated when he heard a slowly building gust of wind from the east. A smug smile appeared as he saw his sister's forehead wrinkle in concentration, and the trees began to sway ever so slightly. Eremia was always most skilled at wind magic. Though the breeze wavered and shook, Jonah knew enough to know that was her nerves, which only amused him more. She had always been the confident and firm one, and seeing her reduced to this gave him some sort of satisfaction.

There was murmuring among the guards, yet not much of a strong response. None of them were close enough to the focal point of the wind, which was starting to blow across Eremia's outfit in ripples and shake Jonah's hair. "Don't spend too long," he hissed at her as the wind grew stronger. He had to bend right next to her ear to be heard. "It just needs to be enough to soften our fall, not carry us down."

After a few seconds, the strong breeze steadied. It was capable enough to influence Jonah's steadiness and stability but slightly, and had no impact on either of the others but wave about their outfits slight. No severe response from the guards. All was according to plan. He grasped his sister's hand with the one not holding his knife, and the two, together, with Jonah pulling his sister, placed a foot precariously over the edge of the balcony. Her eyes closed, and locked in concentration, Eremia gave no response, but Jonah himself was rather surprised by the way his foot felt decently stable atop the column of produced wind, which was now acting like a miniaturized, localized tornado. It was condense enough to help them float fairly easily onto the ground, but not strong or widespread enough so for the guards to take severe notice. As far as they were concerned, it was a typical breeze from the Pillars of the World.

Yorew joined them, and all took a literal leap of faith as they placed their other foot over the balcony and let go. Now they were falling, but only slowly. Jonah breathed a sigh of relief, but it was cut short when he saw his sister make a small incantation. "Creator of Mine, gift upon me that which I have been given," she murmured. His eyes widened in horror, and he pulled the both of them away from their view of the gardens and exterior walls, so that they would face the mansion's cobblestone walls. Yorew did the same before the column of air doubled in strength and loudness, making it easily visible to all neighboring observers. Jonah could hear the flickering and death of torches while guards shouted and scrambled to see what was happening. Those in the air were likely being buffeted by the winds and couldn't approach, but that didn't mean they hadn't been caught. Why, in the name of The Creator, did he place this much trust in his sister?

"Stop!" cried a voice from below, battered by the din and slightly shaky from surprise. "I am Carnell, the lead guard of the defenders of The 9th King Renatus. Speak your identities and purposes now, and no harm shall come to you!"

Jonah's pupils widened, and he turned upon Eremia with a knife, pressing it gently against her throat. "Stop, foolish girl! Would you rather die then let your brother be happy for one in his miserable life?" He stifled a scream when he saw a drop of blood drip from his sister, yet the girl was adamant. Her breathing was ragged, she was evidently sweating, and her face was dreadfully pale. But, Eremia was now the most determined and bravest person he had ever seen, and he had to stop her. By whatever means he could muster that wouldn't leave him with a dead sister and ally.

"Princess," he grumbled at her through gritted teeth, "stop this folly, or I'll have Yorew strangle you, and use your body as a shield. Don't you dare betray your own brother."

"You...don't mean that," she whispered, a tear dripping from her face as she saw right through his lie. "He...wouldn't do that." The servant did not move or respond. "I...will not do it....even for you." Her voice was scratchy and distracted, but the words were heavy.

"Who are you?" bellowed the lead guard again, with an even less steady voice. As the trees began to sway more, and the platform of air grew more stable and steadfast, the resulting of armor and retreating of foosteps indicated that the other guards had decided to leave their posts in terror, convinced in their doom. Carnell's loud and frustrated shouting of, "Fools! Damnable idiots! How dare you betray your King!" confirmed this.

Jonah couldn't help but surmise, in this situation, that Carnell was truly an idiot. Who would indicate that his fellow soldiers had fled, much less name himself and his importance, as though to make himself a greater target to strike? Still, as they gradually descended, the boy noticed from an aside glance that the armored man's torch cast only dim shadows upon them, which themselves were swallowed up by the night. As long as they did not face him, he would not have any idea of who they are, particularly as he doubted that this man knew their appearances all that well. Now was the time for quick thinking, and Jonah quickly reached for the nearest story in his mind. He despised it, as he didn't have much respect for the main character or his military strategies and prudish behavior, but it would do to give him a few more essential seconds.

Moving the knife away from Eremia, the child boomed in his loudest and most impressive voice, "Who dares threaten the Lord of Exedor, Joseph Renatus!? I have founded this house, helped build it with my own two hands, and led my people from the jungles of their origin to build a new home for us. With the assistance of my loyal Marble Knights, I have come to bring my judgment upon the people of this mortal world, and thrust myself free from the chains that have bound me to this world. How may you challenge the whims of the Creator?"

The man was dumbstruck, and stammered in confusion as he neared with his torch. "What...what...how...are you...?" After a few seconds of silence, he began to shout. "You! Stop! I do not think that the First Lord Exedor would have the appearance of a child. Are you the King's--?"

"Oh, Creator, bless me with the powers that I have been gifted," whispered Jonah, feeling a surge of energy pour through his body and into the girl's. It revitalized her and brought color to her face, yet she refused to open her eyes or even look at her brother, nor stopped the sudden onset of slight twitching and sweating. However, she did try to resist when he pulled her hand back, but the movement was too quick for her, and her eyes popped open in horror as the pillar of air exploded outwards from beneath their feet.


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Sun Oct 29, 2017 10:55 pm
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Brigadier wrote a review...



Perhaps it is just because I have reviewed so many overboard works today but split up the descriptions a little bit man. It was rather overpowering and even though I know you and knew that eventually you would fall back on these long winded things, still somehow missed it. It's not like I really I mind it all that much since you didn't have like six period ellipsis or point at every single thing in a dull way. I mind it on the basis of principle and that as a reviewer I should mention how this pisses me off. It may look pretty but it ain't great to read through, coming out the other side not knowing much else about what you described.

But now that I've finished reading the first paragraph, let's move this along because I'm not really committed to writing more than two sections here. Jonah is a lot more troublesome that what I had originally expected out of him, becoming the villain here whose existence I didn't see coming. So that's kind of weird for me as a person who usually spots a a plot change 50 miles away, this is becoming rather painful.
These scenes continue to lead me into some levels of confusion and I almost feel bad for commenting about how they happen and get all twisted. But that was old me who feared the judgement of the author when I questioned their points. You have a lot of things going on here and are bouncing between them rather quickly. If I were you, I'd take a safer route and make sure everything important gets a larger time slot.




TheSilverFox says...


Not sure what to say, because you're right about everything - especially all the descriptions and the confusing/bouncing scenes - so I'll just nod my head. Thanks!



Brigadier says...


A writer has replied and told me that I right about something. Lizz has been freed.



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Sat Sep 30, 2017 2:31 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Having conquered the Green Room yet again and being lacking in requests, I continue in my journey to review each part of this thus posted because I still have more than ten reviews to go, and I might as well review something enjoyable. ;P

Also, it's faster to review a novel you're already reading rather than jumping in with no context, and I don't think you'll mind if my reviews wind up getting on the shorter side due to the time crunch from having to work later today. >.>

Anyways.

1. I would expect no less from Eremia.

2. I figured as much from the mention of wing holes in the armor in the previous part.

3. I haven't even read this part yet oops, but based on what I've read so far, I don't think you need to focus on cutting down on wordcount, but rather more on expanding a bit because, in the previous part in particular, there wasn't enough description to really hint at the characters' motivations, particularly Jonah's and Yorew's.

The descriptions you begin this part with were pretty solid, and I would like to see more of them throughout throughout the earlier parts, though perhaps not in such large chunks. ;P

Of course, nobody in the castle could've expected that somebody would be trying to break out, rather than in.

I feel that this sentence will have more of an impact as its own paragraph.

In any case, this part hints that Jonah actually has some attachment to his sister, which was really lacking in the previous part, but goes a long way in explaining why he's taking her along on his plan and why he trusts her as much as he does despite her being obviously not willing to cooperate.

I still think you need to address that earlier on, in the previous part because it really stretched my suspension of disbelief there.

In general though, I don't have much aside from nitpicks for this section, so onwards I advance to the next one!




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Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:34 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Yo!

I see we're delving straight into Jonah's escape plan. Hoo boy.

Technical Comments:

1. Put spaces between your ellipses and the following word. Some people will tell you to drop one in before too, but from my interpretation, that's for situations when you're skipping over text in a quote. This isn't like a big deal, but in like the second to last paragraph, you have that awkwardly long combination of words and ellipses that pushes onto the next line, and it made me laugh.

2. You have this interesting tendency to replace a character's name with some generic descriptor. Generally, once you give a character a trait/relation/name other than their gender, you stop using just 'girl' or 'boy' or whatever. This is because using 'girl' or 'boy' dehumanizes characters, and also because we really like the third-person limited way of doing things, where you write in third person, but take into account character thoughts. Jonah is never going to think of his sister as 'girl,' so when he's the character whose thoughts you're following, you don't want to refer to Eremia as 'girl.'

And personally, I don't think you have a problem with overuse of terms or names, so you don't need to use 'girl' or 'boy.' People rarely point out how often my characters' names appear in my writing, and I definitely use names more than you do. Honestly, switching between Eremia and 'sister' will work perfectly fine in this case, and you probably don't need to use fill-ins at all.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. I am interested to learn how magic manifests in your world. Obviously, it will be very different from how it shows up in (literally any of) my writing, and I get the feeling you'll be a lot more explicit with the rules, so I look forward to the chapters explaining it all! Plus, it's nice to get a taste right off the bat. I like how it seems to be tied into religion at some level.

2. I'd like some context as to why Jonah considers his sister (or thinks his sister considers herself) an ally. From what I've seen so far, it seems she's more like a tool to him, and I get that family is a pretty strong bond, but family can also breed some intense resentment. There's been very little in the way of actual kindness between the siblings, whether in dialogue or in the stray, off-hand memory, so it seems a bit off that he'd call her an ally at this moment in the story.

3. Excellent cliffhanger. Paired with the general mystery of Jonah's latest plot, it makes for a very compelling reason to keep on reading. (Not that I would stop anyways.)

That's it for this week!
-Buggie




TheSilverFox says...


There are so many ellipses there that it reads like he's a robot. I'll definitely have to change that. XD

I'll defer to your suggestions for ellipses in the future, mainly as I'm unfamiliar with them. The same applies for my use of generic words, though you'll have to get used to that for the time being. I'm always paranoid about using the same name too many times, as I worry it'll be repetitive, but I'd rather choose repetitive over weak. Lastly, considering how Jonah always uses Eremia as a springboard/means of escape for his own operations, their relationship does come across more as tool than ally. He is, by no means, sympathetic, though he does some level of caring for people, particularly as his resentment of his sister isn't due to who she is, but what she stands for. It's possible that he's an unreliable narrator to himself, but I think I need to do a better job of demonstrating that he's not totally a brat. Just mostly one. :P

Otherwise, I'm happy to see that I'm somewhat succeeding with this story. I believe I do cover the magic system over time, though hopefully not with the level of detail that bogs down this part. Either way, by next week, we'll see what happens to his escape plan and/or the guards. All in all, thanks!



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Tue Aug 01, 2017 8:34 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, TheSilverFox! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful.

I didn't have any problems with your overall grammar, so I'll focus on other parts of the chapter.

I feel like this chapter was heavy on the descriptions. That normally wouldn't be a bad thing, but I feel like they detracted from the action of the chapter. The chapter didn't come off as suspenseful as it should have.

Seeing Jonah and Eremia's magic in action was also cool, and this chapter reaffirmed my dislike of Jonah.

However, Eremia's attempt to escape seemed anticlimatic. I think it ties into my earlier comment about the descriptions; they take away from the action. Focusing more on her escape and less on describing the setting would help. Breaking the paragraphs into smaller ones might help as well.

I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!




TheSilverFox says...


Yay, thanks for the review! When I was posting this earlier, I couldn't help but notice how bulky the paragraphs are. Descriptions are definitely murder here, so I'll try to cut down on them when I revise this. I'm happy that it still made sense anyway (even if Eremia's escape attempt and action were weakened), and it's good to know that I've made Jonah unlikeable. Have a good day! :D




As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro