z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Chapter 2.4

by TheSilverFox


Author's Note: End of Chapter 2.  1,253 words.

The buildup of energy was incredible. The trio were too close to the ground, but even they were spun into the air and toppled head over heels onto the earth. The fleeing guards, in comparison, were blasted away by the sheer force of the wind, which sent even Carnell backwards onto the ground. Trees howled and whistled in despair as water exploded from the fountain, spraying the statue and the ground all about it. The flying guards flapped their wings in horror and scattered about in a panic, some thrown towards the ground or higher into the sky. A masterful chaos sounded its way through castle halls, catching in surprise attendants in their daily business. Only the King, ever an determined and heavy sleeper, did not open his eyes, although his wife did.

Everything next was a blur in the eyes of Jonah. Something had quite clearly broken, but his hearing and senses were so terrible he couldn't identify what had. He groaned audibly as his vision whirled and he felt nauseous, tired, and weak, unable to move off of the ground. Yorew stood up a little unsteadily, but appeared mostly unharmed. The servant walked over to Eremia, bent over, whispered, "I wouldn't," in her ears, and grabbed her with one arm while he proceeded to pick up Jonah in the other. He then paced himself rather hurriedly, trying to escape the oncoming chaos. Were the boy capable of thinking, and didn't remain limp at Yorew's side, he would be impressed as the man's strength, which he had only seen before when the King and Queen tasked the tall old man to lift a few cabinets for them.

"How...how dare you," spat a bruised and bloodied Carnell from his position by the fountain, raising his head to reveal his red mouth. "You...must be apprehended...but…I can’t…wh-why? Who are you? What children fight like that? And what man can stop an army?"

"Ah, ever the mystery," noted Yorew as he walked past the guard, winking at him. In the shadows, it was hard to see him pale and stammer slightly as he looked at the wounded figure beside him. His expression otherwise remained as fixated as ever as he strolled his way past the fountain, grassy paths and shrubs, and made his way towards the east gate. A rudimentary horse stable had been installed by the gardening, and the horses whinnied and neighed in a panic as they kicked at the wooden walls and gates that kept them in place, the torches that had lighted their roofed space blown out and smoking. Looking about, the servant identified a white horse in particular, and proceeded over to it.

Setting aside the children by placing them in a sitting position against a wooden post, the man placed his hands over the familiar white horse and rubbed its nose, relaxing it. When it was complacent enough at seeing its old master, it calmly allowed Yorew to snatch a saddle from another post and stick it upon the horse. The man had been doing this for years, particularly during the King's travels to various parts of his kingdom to inspect the citizenry, and had been working on training Eremia in the art of horseback riding. Thus, it didn't take him much time to tether the saddle in place, upon which he open and closed the gate gently and made his way towards the small stone tower by the massive entrance door. The horse seemed to complain mildly as Yorew stopped paying it attention, particularly by desisting to rub its nose, but the other horses were now somewhat calmed by the man's presence, and so they patiently sat about without much fear or tension, as though waiting for his return.

When attempting to push aside the door indicated that it had been locked, he merely kicked it open. The guard stationed there was unable to pick up his lance and take a battle stance in time for Yorew to pull off his helmet and apologize, whereupon a few quick punches were enough to dispatch him. The servant had to push the man's limp figure aside to grasp the handles of the wooden windlass attached to the wall, its connections extended from behind the stone wall towards the system of counterweights and balances that allowed the castle gate to be lifted. Uttering a small incantation, he rolled up his sleeves, grasped the windlass, and pulled on it with all the strength that he could muster. Grunting, he persisted, trying to work as quickly as possible. It wasn't necessary that he be able to lift the entire structure himself, and he doubted that he alone had the strength to raise those heavy metal gates. All he needed, however, was to raise them just enough to slip by with his horse and cargo, and hope that he could do so in time to avoid the wave of guards that was likely heading to the area already, curious and surprised about what had just happened.

After a minute's work, familiar shouts and cries reached his ears, and the man desisted. Confident that the gates had been risen enough, Yorew dashed out from the room to find a swarm of torches approaching from the distance of the mansion's entrances and the surrounding shrubbery. Loud shouts and the clunking of metal now filled the air, yet they weren't close enough to the fountain, and their armor restrained them. Meanwhile, the loud cries of the avian guards indicated that they were preparing to swoop down on the injured and hapless duo still sitting, slumped, by the stables. Rushing towards them, Yorew saw the girl raise her hand at the oncoming gathering above her head, faint torchlight highlighting her pale and terrified features. It was clear what her intentions were - escape from this kidnapping.

Jonah grabbed her hand, and another gust of wind exploded outwards, buffeting and knocking aside the air squadron. Both passed out, far too exhausted to continue, as Yorew reached for the gate, pulled it outwards, grabbed the children under each arm, and sat them upon the now panicked and frenzied horse, who tried desperately to escape from his position. The servant dodged flailing limbs and grabbed the steed by its reins, sitting atop it and behind the children as he cracked the leather reins like a whip. The stallion sprinted outwards as Yorew ducked under the stable roof. Quickly reining in the horse, to its consternation, it was quickly directed away from the soldiers, yanked in the general direction of the castle gates. Thankfully, they were high enough for the horse and its riders, in full gallop, to dash past.

They were fortunate enough that the castle's drawbridge hadn't been raised, as the King hadn't felt there was a substantial and immediate threat to force it to be used. As such, the last glimpse of the trio was of them framed against moonlight falling upon the water of the moat. The last sounds heard by onlookers was the clacking of hooves against cobblestone as the horse galloped its way onto the streets of the surrounding city, leaving a trail of awoken and spooked citizens in the way.

All that the gradually assembling crowd of horrified and flustered guards could see now, while picking up injured comrades and trying to discern the identities of those involved. Now there was a cry and a fervor over the whereabouts of the King, who was now hurriedly preparing to enter the courtyard, and his family.

Too late.


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Sun Jul 29, 2018 3:32 am
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Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey remember when I did 4 reviews on this novel forever ago?
.
.
.
The green room is pretty damn disappointing today so I'm here to review the entirety of this novel.

It took me a little bit to remember what was going on with this story. I'm not really sure how useful my commentary is going to be until I get to the later chapters. Because I am consistently seeing your chapters going without reviews for long periods of time.

And from the reviewer's perspective, that's somewhat worrying?

There are a few ongoing issues or more just habits of your style. Like the pacing has some kinks to that, so I'm partially assuming that would cause issues for reviewers and might make it so they don't want to come back to the idea.

Also your writing is dry? I'm trying to find ways around insulting you but I think you can handle the legit commentary, versus the censored commentary. The vagueness of the story combined with the sometimes over the top details, creates a rather unique story in my mind. But then it comes down to how the particular reader would be interpreting it, I'm sort of enjoying it but it's easy to see how some people might not like it.

So let's move towards talking about some specific content, now that I've gone through three or four rambles about quality control.

The buildup of energy was incredible. The trio were too close to the ground, but even they were spun into the air and toppled head over heels onto the earth. The fleeing guards, in comparison, were blasted away by the sheer force of the wind, which sent even Carnell backwards onto the ground. Trees howled and whistled in despair as water exploded from the fountain, spraying the statue and the ground all about it. The flying guards flapped their wings in horror and scattered about in a panic, some thrown towards the ground or higher into the sky. A masterful chaos sounded its way through castle halls, catching in surprise attendants in their daily business. Only the King, ever an determined and heavy sleeper, did not open his eyes, although his wife did.

I know that you have a thing for rather long winded paragraphs, but the last review I wrote, was on a piece that had an issue with paragraph size. it comes down to me saying that if you want to get a reader's attention and leave a lasting impact, there needs to be a buffer between some of the more major statements.
For instance, i would split the first sentence of this chapter off from the first paragraph, because it needs to have a different effect. Moving it up slightly in the hierarchy, it will still be there to guide the paragraph through its proper course, while also being that first dramatic statement that I think you were looking for here.

There's always a few points in your writing that sound a bit off and confusing, and that's a bit to do with how complicated the scenes are. Like this is mainly a fight scene, so I think that you meant it to be rather fast paced, but instead the plot sounds to be moving slowly.
It's word choice dude.
That's a lot of your issue.

I'm trying to remember how the characters fit together and I have some commentary, but i think I'll probably save it for my next review.




TheSilverFox says...


Ew "the buildup of energy was incredible" attached to that paragraph? Nope, gonna kill that with a flamethrower when I edit this.

Also yeah, my big problems have always been confusing writing, dry writing, and slow writing. I get slightly better at all of those down the road, but this is not down the road. But still, I appreciate the criticism, and I'll definitely keep in mind creating a more vivid and emotional picture while cutting out useless details. Thanks for the review!



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Thu Jul 12, 2018 8:12 am
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SirenCymbaline says...



' the King, who was now hurriedly preparing to enter the courtyard, and his family.'

*Cough.* You might wanna rephrase that.




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Sat Sep 30, 2017 2:51 pm
Kale wrote a review...



And I'm back again for the final part of Chapter 2. #accomplishments

Did you know that yours is the first novel in a while that I've actually gone through and worked on reviewing from beginning to current end? Because it is.

In the shadows, it was hard to see him pale and stammer slightly as he looked at the wounded figure beside him.

I think you know what's coming. Yes. It is, indeed, the dreaded ask of "which him?" ;P

I'm guessing it's Yorew here, but that also leaves me wondering who is the wounded figure because there's two wounded figures noted that would be next to Yorew at this point: Jonah and Carnell.

The guard stationed there was unable to pick up his lance and take a battle stance in time for Yorew to pull off his helmet and apologize, whereupon a few quick punches were enough to dispatch him.

The flow of events in this sentence make it quite confusing and nonsensical. I think what you intended to portray (and the scenario that makes the most sense) was that the guard got in the stance so quickly that Yorew had no time to excuse himself. Instead, this reads that the guard to so long to get into battle stance that Yorew had no time to take off his helmet and apologize, so he punched the guard out.

That sequence of events is rather comical (especially if Yorew takes off his helmet, apologizes, and puts his helmet back on before punching out the guard), but I don't think you were aiming for comical here.

I do like Yorew thus far, though. He's very practical, gets things done, and doesn't really broadcast his feelings everywhere which makes him a bit of a mystery, but in a good way. He's easily the most interesting character thus far, with perhaps the least interesting being King Renatus, who comes across as a blustering fool, especially considering he slept through the wind explosion and left the drawbridge down. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but he seems to be a minor character, so eh.




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Sat Aug 12, 2017 1:34 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, TheSilverFox! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful.

I didn't have any problems with your overall grammar, and, like with the last part, I feel like this part of your novel was heavy on the descriptions. But, since other people have covered that in their reviews, I'll focus on other things instead.

I feel like this chapter really did Eremia justice. The reader already knows that she's smart and capable, but I think seeing her try to escape once more really helped to drive that point home. I also feel like you did a good job at showing how tiring using so much magic could possibly be, which is something not a lot of fantasy authors show in their writing. Props to you for that!

My main critique is about Yorew. You focused on his actions this part, but you didn't go much into his thoughts on what was going on or how he was feeling about it. Even though it's supposed to be an action scene, you could still weave in something about his feelings so the reader can get some insight on his character.

I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!




TheSilverFox says...


Thanks! I'm happy that you liked the chapter, that my depiction of the consequences of magic usage is fairly unique and effective, and that I could show Eremia as clever (even if things aren't working in her favor at the moment). I'll try to add more introspection and thoughts as I edit this, particularly as I think it would be fun to show Yorew's surprisingly ironic thoughts (i.e. he doesn't like this at all). Once again, thanks!



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Thu Aug 10, 2017 8:59 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi Silver,
I'm going to confess I don't think I've read any of your other chapters for this piece so my knowledge of the plot and characters isn't going to be great. I'll do my best to understand where we are in the story but please forgive me if some of my review doesn't make that much sense!
Action in any story is something I really struggle to write, so I think the effort you've made in this attempt is really good. I find it helps to listen to a really epic movie soundtrack, and really get into the action.

Make sure you keep the story moving here, as you've got a lot of description but not a lot seems to happen. Your story is told through the eyes of your characters but we as the reader don't actually have a lot of interaction with the characters in this section of the novel. We need to emotionally invest in your characters to really care about what's going on.

You also need to work on the balance of action vs speech. I get that you're trying to describe the scene here but it could do with being broken up a bit more, either by conversation between your characters or look into their thoughts and feelings more. It makes the prose easier to read and gives us more of an insight into what's going on. Think of how it's done in films - we get multiple different angles, different shots to illustrate different points. This can be done equally as well in writing to vary your reader's perceptions and give them different views of the action.

I couldn't find many grammar or spelling issues and I like where the plot is going, I think you just might want to toy with the style a little.

I hope this has helped.
Icy.




TheSilverFox says...


Thanks for the review! Keep in mind that I wrote this during November, and my style has changed since then. I still have trouble displaying the mindsets of my characters, but I'm definitely improving on that count. Too, my action scenes are less bogged down by description and interspersed neatly with dialogue/internal thoughts. It won't be noticeable until much later, I'm afraid, but I still appreciate your advice! It will come of good use when I come around to editing this story and determine what I need to focus on improving. :D



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Thu Aug 10, 2017 5:39 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



We're gonna do this real fast 'cause I need sleep, but I still want one of the first two reviews.

Technical Comments:

1. Wow, so another thing about name replacements is that they get super confusing. I had to read the first couple paragraphs like three times. But I'm beating a dead horse now, so I won't bring this up again until at least chapter 13.

2. I feel like this chapter is supposed to be tense and fast, just based on the fact that it's a chase scene, but it really doesn't. And I'm going to pin this one on your style in general.

You like to have these long sentences and inserted phrases, and for the most part, that's not what you want in action. Sentence structures should, in a way, mirror the tone you're trying to get across. Fast scenes tend to have short, quickly-read and quickly-understood sentences, and then when you drop into some poetic description, roll out the long sentences, man. If you want your reader to slow down in their reading (and thereby feel like things are moving more slowly), your style as it stands is perfect. But when you want things to start clipping along, you'll want to cut your sentences down.

Let's look at the fourth-to-last paragraph, the one that starts with Jonah:

The first sentence is fine. You generally need a bit of set-up before delving into serious action anyways. But after that, things start to get hairy. Your second sentence has seven parts to it, which is crazy long and crazy cumbersome, and it also switches subjects twice. Personally, I'd just split the sentences by the acting subject. First, you have the siblings pass out. That's a sentence. It follows another action, so you'd want a transition word, but 'then' is perfectly fine. You could split Yorew's great list into any number of sentences, and slip in a few casual tone/scenery details in there too, while keeping the tension high, and then give the horse a sentence.

And while having a bunch of sentences may feel like clutter, it actually helps keep things clean and easy to understand, which is imperative in action scenes. It's like, instead of having a big box, you sort things into little boxes so that you can find a specific item more easily. That's the key to writing action--decreasing clutter.

Also, whenever possible, find ways to act out your action. I've had my fair share of fake sword fights, and it definitely helps me break down every movement so I can fit things together in a way that makes sense. Obviously, it'd be hard to act out a chase, but the play-by-play deconstruction and reconstruction idea is the same.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. Oh, so the "avian-featured" guards are actually... avian. Well then, I look forward to meeting all the races. Also I probably wouldn't describe them as having avian features, since that describes a kind of facial structure.

2. I feel like my prediction that the siblings are going to be kicked out and forced to actually get along in order to reclaim birthright (or whatever for Jonah) is coming true, and I am very proud of myself.

3. I'm actually really interested in Yorew as a character, because he doesn't seem to fit into any classic archetypes. It'll be fun to see if he stays out of the archetype hole, or see if he gets character development that gives him an interesting spin on a role that already exists. Whatever happens, he's definitely interesting (even if I don't particularly like him. Though I don't like any of these people so far honestly).

That's it for this week! If I got too convoluted in that action stuff, let me know and I'll rewrite that part so that it makes more sense. I definitely need sleep.
-Buggie




TheSilverFox says...


Yay! Thanks for your review! My writing is absolute murder for action scenes, and I don't think that changes anytime soon (though I'm better at it now). And yeah, I'm not surprised you don't like anyone, since I doubt I've done much to make them likeable. Of course, that can eventually lead to the whole "I don't care if anyone lives or dies" argument, which is the ultimate death of the author and their work, so you'll understand if I'm nervous about that.

I was wondering if I should keep the whole "avian features" description in the prologue, but now I'd rather not. I originally thought it could have two meanings (as you've seen) and provide a nice twist for the readers when they assume one meaning and it turns out to be the other (as you've also seen). But, honestly, it seems more like it muddies up the waters and confuses my readers by presenting a false impression. I'll be more blunt about that in my editing.

Lastly, Yorew's motivations and behavior are definitely distinctive, and I doubt that he fits easily into any archetypes. That was my intent, after all. We'll see more of it (that which he isn't hiding, which is plenty) over time. All in all, thanks for the review!




Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and the shadows will fall beyond you.
— Walt Whitman