Author's Notes: 1,343 words. Yes, I do get better with time.
Chapter 2: Homeland Security
"Jonah!"
The word was muffled by the thick stone walls that barricaded the occupants of the castle, but it was not unheard. Servants hurriedly rushed about upon hearing it, many passing by the open entrance to a quiet bedroom. One such attendant, armed with a pail and sponge, began to clean the floors opposite of the room's entrance, paying no need to the small lump within the green blankets draped over the bed. A gust of wind from the balcony outside lightly ruffled curtains that provided access to the rest of the room, which was marginally bare of noticeable features beyond the said bed. It was dark oak, with downy pillows and a soft, also downy mattress. Only the best for the royalty.
The audible name-calling grew louder and louder as the figure behind it neared. The boy in the blankets shook slightly, but remained stock-still. A part of him was wishing that their latest confrontation could be spiced up. If only he had the ability to light up the torch that graced the wall above his door and kept his room relatively warm on winter nights, and wave it about, as though to fend back a monster. Thankfully, though not for him, he had no proficiency in magic of any kind, and particularly not fire magic.
"Jonah!" called the light brown-haired royal as he strode in, face creased with fury, while attendants began to mill into and around the room, mumbling to each other and jotting down notes onto parchment paper with their quills. There was a yell as one tripped over the attendant's pail and sent water splashing across the corridor, but Trevonn Renatus, the 9th King of Exedor, paid it no heed. Hands clenched and unclenched before gripping the side of the bed, where he gritted his teeth while glaring down at the unwholesome lump, as though his gaze would cause it to catch fire and reveal its contents.
"What, dear father?" replied Jonah in his most innocent voice as the King grasped the blankets and cast them aside, turning to face his father with his most angelic expression. "I assure you, I haven't done a thing." The boy tried to make himself look cute by flashing and blinking his large, amber eyes.
"Brend," said Trevonn, gesturing to the advisor to his right, "saw your little outburst. I find it hard-pressed to find someone who did not, beyond myself. I find it horrible that I cannot look away from my own child for more than five seconds."
Jonah moved himself to the side of the bed where his father clung on to the mattress, an innocent smile becoming smug. His father looked even more stressed and frustrated than usual, and had the appearance of a man who had spent some time yelling. The advisors also seemed alarmed and concerned over some matter, given their energetic background conversations. Perfect. "She would've paid that bread to your lordship either way."
"We," grumbled Jonah's father, struggling to keep his composure and sanity through gritted teeth, "are obliged to protect the people, not steal from them by using our own authority."
The boy's dirty blonde hair rustled as he shot back, "Who says we are required to listen to overcharging merchants and powerless peasants? I say we have the authority to act like the kings we are. We do have the power, do we not?"
Trevonn would not dare harm his child, yet he was perpetually infuriated by the way his son always found some means by which to enrage him, and how he always fell for it. He moved his arms in a strangling motion, but continued. "The power comes from our soldiers, who are our people. If you invoke their wrath, you lose the military, and your utilitarian mindset knows that would mean the death of the kingdom."
In a swift motion, Jonah thrust himself from the bed and stood opposite of the King, placing himself in front of the light streaming from outside to cast a shadow upon those gathered. "There are those who place their loyalty to the crown above their own useless hides. Let them control the rest of the soldiers and bind them to their word, and you are invincible. Did you bring your advisers so you could give them such a lesson?" he gestured to the individuals in question. Some sneered at him, but most patiently waited for the King's response.
"I sent them here," said Trevonn, his voice becoming louder and deeper. He was at his breaking point. "To remind them of how I treat cruelty and stupidity." And, as such, came his long-winded and intense rant. The young boy was pleased to see his father's neck veins bulging, face turning unique shades of red, and spewing out a torrent of words, complaints, and verbal attacks. The man could act so childish and easy to manipulate sometimes. Yet, there was something almost...boring about this. Jonah had been doing this for years, persistently haranguing his father (and vice versa) over swordplay, his other relatives, his actions, and his servant. It felt almost tiresome to see another dispute, even if Jonah had purposely inflicted it. The boy frowned, but decided to pick it up afterwards, particularly that strange sense of a lack of fulfillment that lingered in the back of his mind, which itself demanded to be satisfied. Besides, Trevonn seemed about complete anyways.
"...disappointing child," he bellowed, face purple. "I have never meant to see you ascend to a position of royalty, and I'm glad I had the sense to. You are foolish, pathetic, frivolous, and bratty, and so it will be your sister who shall come to lead the people of Exedor in the midst of your carelessness. I hope she is decent with damage cleanup, as I have tried to do for these past years. If you remain so stupid, and provide yet another public spectacle, there will be punishment, and it will be more than cruel than locking you in your room with no food for the night." He was lying. He'd made this promise before. Jonah just smiled and waved the man goodbye as he, in a loud huff, departed, followers in tow. Trevonn was always accompanied with a personal crowd, in good times and bad. This case was the latter.
"See to it that this room is locked posthaste," said Trevonn to Brend in front of the doorway, easily loud enough for Jonah to hear. "He is but a child, so I will not have him guarded, unless he decides that he'd rather not stay where he belongs."
"And his sister?" asked the latter individual, their conversation now drifting away from Jonah. Trevonn replied with something inaudible to the sniggering child, who relaxed once more on the bed.
As such, that old sense of disappointment returned, consuming his thoughts and causing him to frown. The boy reached into a makeshift pocket in his suit (which he had himself made in an effort to learn to sow, though he'd forgotten the craft by now), and pulled out a flimsy dagger, twirling it around in his hands. The hilt was pale wood and looked worn, but the knife had been polished and now looked even slightly deadly. His favorite servant had snuck this in for him on request. The boy had always thought it the symbol for the operation of his desire. Yes, it was malicious, greedy, and power-hungry. He lived in a peaceful and complacent environment, one in which he was held off and placed beneath his darling sister; what he desired was adventure. A chance to make a name for himself, particularly an infamous one.
The boy cut himself by accident, and stared at the drop of blood on his hands. It was time.
"Madame," said Jonah flatteringly at the maid who appeared at his entrance, scrubbing the floors. Word spread quickly, but it would be some time before they found the appropriate padlock and stuck it onto his door. That was all he needed. "Do send Yorew here, if you may."
End of chapter
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139,638 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
And there is stuff to read in the green room now, I just don't care to read it, if you know what I mean.
Really? I've been friends with you for like two years and I haven't noticed.
Before, I just thought that the king was foolish, maybe a twinge of stupidity about him, either way resulting in me disliking him. But dealings with royalty are always complicated in any work because I always eventually end up hating them, guess it's my patriotic spirit. Now I see him being manipulated by his son so we always know that is gonna lead up to a great plot. Or you know, not. I see in the future this kid causing a lot of issues for whatever hero might arise later on down the line, like the follower Robin Hood desperately tried to get rid of. If he wants adventure, this plot certainly seems like he is going to get it.
And from reading this perspective, a child doing something that children often do but written pretty good, I come to the conclusion that you were one of these children. Or maybe your brother was. Either way, shame on you and your cow. I think you might have given this more significance than it was worth, something that should have been determined after I actually read some more of this, but I'm still talking about it now. This is like one of those things where it usually gets swept under the rug and then flashed back upon later as like a memory or justification for something.
I don't see these two sentences matching up very well in my mind, they seem rather forced. Like "it was time" is soooo overly dramatic, just making me judge your story even more than I was doing previously. But the thing that comes before it is equally dramatic. Slicing your hand open is painful and there should have been some sort of register of what was going on, before he switched completely in Gotham villain mode.
Surprisingly not! I was always the super obedient, quite child, and my brothers were more or less also like that. And yeah, there's going to be a lot of kings in this story - some better than this one, some worse. Also, I am a solid wave of drama (though yeah, it should hurt, and describing that might make the lines as dramatic, but less forced).
Thanks!
And I am back again for Chapter 2. Because the Green Room is still devoid of things I have not yet reviewed.
And this is the part where I went "Oh! OH! I REMEMBER READING THE PROJECT THREAD FOR THIS!"
Now I'm really glad I decided to check this out because it looks like I'll be in for a fun ride. :3
This here is a contradiction, and it really stuck out when I went back to reread parts for this review because the shaking implies nervousness or anticipation, neither of which really jives with Jonah's character as it's established later on.
This sentence read like a jump to Trevonn's point of view, even though most of the chapter focuses on Jonah, and now I'm a bit confused as to whether you're going for a more omniscient narrator or a more limited one.
The flow of the dialogue here got broken up pretty badly. I'd recommend restructuring it to something more explicitly an interrupt, to make it clearer that the dialogue continues as the action is occurring. Something like "'I sent them here--" Trevonn was at his breaking point, his voice becoming louder and deeper accordingly. "--to remind them of how I treat cruelty and stupidity." would flow a lot better (though even that example could use a lot of work to make it flow even more, and perhaps even contain more exposition/description to boot).
Which he is this? Also, the ellipses are better replaced with an em-dash to indicate that Jonah is just now tuning into the rant rather than Trevonn having taken a pause before bellowing the "disappointing child" part.
Which he?
This feels like a bit of a nonsequitur. What is it about the cut or the sight of the blood that makes Jonah conclude that it's time? Or is it unrelated to the cut and more related to his boredom?
Overall though, hooray for things getting set up, and I appreciate being able to see the threads of the prophecy in the previous part playing into the story this early on.
Oh yeah, the project thread that I added onto for a few days, got bored with, and now only use to keep all the chapters somewhere so I can link them each week in LMS. Good times. <.<
I'm not sure what past me was going for, but present me wants to keep things third-person limited. Unfortunately, as you've seen, I can be forgetful of that. Anyways, thanks for pointing out ambiguous pronouns and giving good flow suggestions - I don't use em-dashes for dialogue that often, but it seems like they can be useful. In all, I don't know if this is going to be a fun ride, but I'm always happy to have your reviews - thanks!
Well done! I really enjoyed reading this chapter. Here are some general comments I have, since there isn't much specific that is wrong with it.
I am already invested in where Jonah's story goes, so that is always a good sign. I love a well-done antihero if that's where you are going in the future, but I also wouldn't mind him turning into a full-blown villain.
I agree with AstralHunter that you should definitely edit a couple sentences of this to keep it third-person limited. Instead of saying, "Trevonn would not dare harm his child, yet he was perpetually infuriated by the way his son always found some means by which to enrage him, and how he always fell for it. He moved his arms in a strangling motion, but continued," you could just make it that Jonah knows all of this stuff is going on in his father's head, he enjoys it, etc.
And a couple of nitpicks:
"The advisors also seemed alarmed and concerned over some matter." Maybe it's just me, but this sentence sounds a little stilted. I would just pick one adjective and get rid of the other one, and it makes for a more concise sentence.
"'We,' grumbled Jonah's father, struggling to keep his composure and sanity through gritted teeth, 'are obliged to protect the people, . . .'" This didn't flow so well when I read it because I had to go back and re-read the beginning of the quotation, not remembering what Jonah's father had started his sentence with. I think it would be a big improvement if you shortened it a bit to something like this:
"'We,' grumbled Jonah's father through gritted teeth, struggling to keep his composure, 'are obliged to protect the people, . . .'"
"The power comes from our soldiers, who are our people." This is a bit clunky as it is, so I would recommend putting the "our" in all caps or italicizing it. It just reads better that way.
Also, the He in "he gestured to the individuals in question" should be capitalized, but that was extremely minor, and you did an all-around great job with grammar and spelling.
Hello, TheSilverFox! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.
I didn't have any problems with your overall grammar, so I'll focus on other parts of the chapter.
Like the last chapter, your descriptions of the setting were perfect! They flowed nicely and didn't detract from the story that the chapter was telling. If you keep that up, you shouldn't have any problems with the setting in future parts of your novel!
Now onto to the characters! Jonah appears to be shaping up to be a very interesting character. Right now, all we've really seen of him is his boredom, desire for his attention, and ease at manipulating others. Over the course of the journey he will probably go on, I could see him either becoming a villain or a hero, and that uncertainty is what is making him one of my favorites introduced so far. I am curious about his relationship with sister. It seems like the king treasures her more than him by comparing the two. I wonder if he does that after Jonah starts acting out or if he's done it all along.
My one suggestion is that if you don't revise this to include how he feels about being compared to his sister, maybe you could include that in the future chapters instead?
I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
Salutations!
)
I'm a bit late this time and would have delayed the review even further, but one ever knows for how long a work will remain in the Green Room. I'm somewhat tired and uninspired at this point, so I'm afraid it's just dry - though hopefully still useful - comments from me today.
I don't feel like quoting all the technicalities, so I'll just go ahead and address them successively. Firstly, you open the second paragraph by calling "Jonah" a word, rather than a name. Proper nouns are indeed words, but calling it just that comes across as strange. And while we're at the second paragraph, I should add you made a typo by saying "no need" in place of "no heed". Considering you used the latter later on, I know you know how to use it.
Having opened the door to that, be careful when using phrases like "pay no heed"; it is quite distinctive and draws undue attention if it is used twice in quick succession. Using it once and then again two paragraphs later is therefore very disrupting. I recommened finding synonymic phrases and expressions. (It's like if you read a scientific paper and see "vis-a-vis" on every third page.)
Not only should you be wary of using easily identifiable expressions or phrases too often, you should also ensure you use them correctly - "said" in particular is one to which I'm referring. It's used when you mentioned something and don't want to repeat it exactly, which you already know. However, "said" is used alone, with no articles in front of it. Said expression is simply employed through its usage. (See what I did there?
Style-wise, I agree with Buggie that Jonah is too logic-orientated and doesn't display enough emotion, but I nevertheless feel liek you've succeeded in conveying his personality in general. I love that he has this impish streak in him. And I can definitely relate to the fights with his father.
Speaking of the father, the king is surprisingly easy to manipulate. I'd be extremely concerned with a monarch like that - the capabilities of a bratty child are no match for a seasoned diplomat. It would be fitting you affirmed this impression by emphasising the king's lacklustre performance in court. (This is assuming he is this way; if he isn't, it would raise the question of how he is so easily provoked by the prince, but not by individuals trained in manipulation.)
Also, I saw you switched perspectives in places, most notably in paragraph ten. This chapter is about Jonah, so if you narrate with third person omniscient, you have to be very careful to reveal only Jonah's thoughts. The moment you reveal his father's thoughts as well, you have effectively swapped to the king's point of view. Even when using third person narrators, your perspectives must stay consistent within the chapter. If you inserted a break with an asterisk or three, that would be a different story - but also a different part of the chapter. You may spam words like "seem" and "appear" to describe what seems and appears to be other characters' thoughts based off their dialogue and body language, but you may not explicitly reveal them.
That's all for today! Overall, I think this chapter showcases your talent better than the previous one, even though this clearly isn't up there with your other writing yet. But that's fine. Nobody said first drafts had to be perfect. We learn through experimenting and maybe writing things that aren't so great. Carry on!
Hey, thanks for the review! Jonah's father has a rather low opinion of his son (basically, a rebellious brat and childish twit, which he is) and is rather easy to rile up by Jonah for that reason. The King is a competent man, as well as not easily swayed or pushed, but his son is the one exception. That, and his wife, who has as much power as he does, is far less likely to get enraged by anybody, so she can compensate for his shortcomings.
Also, yeah, I guessed as much. I try to avoid it in my present chapters, but my older ones are written poorly and shift tense every now and then. I'm still removing "seemed," "looked," "appeared," and similar words anyway, if only because they're weak and it should be surmised that this is how Jonah/whomever is the focus of the chapter looks upon others. Lastly, thanks for pointing out my spelling and grammar problems, as they'll give me a focus when I trim them out in my second draft. I doubt the next part will be any better, but I look forward to your review then!
I'm back! (Not... Bach, just back.) Let's get a move on, shall we?
Technical Comments:
I feel like there isn't enough emotion in this scene. Yes, you have adequately explained Jonah's reasoning and thought process in regards to his father, but aside from what you outright tell me, I have no idea what the kid is feeling. And this is just my hypothesis, but I think that feeling comes from all the detail, and the way you put together sentences.
I have always admired your ability to jump straight into those really cool and intelligent words; the fact that you can use them without struggle or fanfare is awesome, and there's nothing to be ashamed of in that respect. However, your heavy-hitting words tend to be adjectives and adverbs, and they live in long sentences with rather lackluster verbs.
Let's look at the paragraph where Jonah observes the king and his advisers:
Your strongest verb in that paragraph is the word "clung," and it's being used half as a descriptor. Instead of Jonah sauntering, shuffling, or even stepping towards his father, he just moves. The advisers only seem alarmed. Yes, the word "energetic" is nice, but its connotation clashes with "alarm," and most importantly, it isn't a verb. You could get away with saying that the advisers' conversations "rose" or "raced," and a short sentence in that vein would be stronger than describing their speech with a strong adjective.
Verbs are the backbone of expressive writing; there's a reason why personification is so powerful, and why people do believe in the classic adage that "less is more." Vocabulary has always been your strongest suit, and I have no doubt that you can build the bridge from strong adjectives to strong verbs. It'll just take a little adjustment in how you formulate each sentence.
Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:
1. Please tell me there's going to be some metaphorical whale situation with this bratty prince. He deserves it, and also his name is Jonah, so he has to have a whale moment.
2. I understand that you may want to keep parts of Jonah's motivations a secret. I get that! That's what I've been doing with Ellipse for the past four months. However, when you introduce a lead character, you want to not only make them memorable, but make them easy to invest in. I did this with Ellipse by giving her the same kinds of reactions anyone else would have to someone throwing up in the toilet, and then by placing her in a victim situation. Obviously this is not where you're going with Jonah, since he seems designed to be unlikable, but I think I would be more inclined to be curious about him as a person if he expressed actual emotions instead of just providing the logic of his thoughts.
3. On the other hand, I am extremely curious about how his upcoming actions will affect the other characters, especially since infamy is his end goal. You did a wonderful job setting up whatever disaster/adventure is about to come.
And that's about it for this week. As a note, I think I will eventually become invested in Jonah, but it's still important to hook people in as soon as possible.
Catch you later!
-Buggie
There are two things I dislike about my writing from this time: 1. everything is so stilted and pretentious that it has this faux, substanceless drama to it, and 2. I abuse the words seemed, looked, appeared, etc., whose purpose is to weaken whatever verbs they describe. I still have issues with number 2, to be honest, so I try to murder those words on sight. I'd like to believe that I've broken these rules enough to actually shift to strong verbs and less pretentious writing, but I'm doubtful of that. Nevertheless, it's an extremely well-worded argument that pokes right at the inherent flaws in my writing.
Yeah, you'll see Jonah get some more characterization as time goes on. So far, he was intentionally made a selfish, childish brat, but you'll see that he has more to his personality than those traits. He also will get his comeuppance, though whether or not it's too much of one is up to you (though saying any more on the topic could lead to spoilers). Nevertheless, thanks for the review, and thanks for taking interest in this (admittedly poor) story!