Author's Notes: 1,935 words. Please tell me if this is too long, k?
Eremia awoke to the sounds of morning birds chirping delightfully as she balanced precariously on the large limb of a tree, before falling off and landing on the ground by a pile of road apples. Her back ached, her head was sore, and she felt incredibly tired and hungry.
She guessed today was not going to be a good day.
Her experiences of the previous night caught up to her, and she was swept by wave of consternation and panic that consumed her. Taking a peek at her surroundings, she found herself by a small pond fed by an equally tiny creek, but a speck in an ever-rolling expanse of slight hills that pocketed the countryside, with an interlay of cultivated land and wild, yet simplistic grasslands. The trickling water was clean and clear, and she had the distinct desire to drink from it, until she saw the familiar figure of her brother, sleeping in contention in another tree branch. Then came the sensation of rage and the willingness to shove him off and throw him into the road apples.
"Hello, madam," came a weak voice from beside the pond, and it was then that Eremia looked to see a gaunt, pale, and frail-looking Yorew. The bags under his eyes seemed to indicate that he hadn't slept at all during the last night, and he rested against his horse, which was currently drinking from the pond. The girl had always seen him as strong, confident, and capable, and so this was, needless to say, horrifying. He propped himself up with a staff that he had always kept within a long scabbard, as though it was the only kind of weapon he thought he would use (which was likely the case), and hobbled next to her.
"Where in the world are we?" the girl demanded in her best threatening voice, pointing accusatorily at Yorew, and then at Jonah. The servant walked ungracefully past her and rapped his staff against the tree.
"By the southern border of Exedor," replied Yorew. There was a shuffling and a yawn from the tree, which was interrupted half way by Yorew's statement. After a lot of shuffling and scrabbling, Jonah fell from the tree with a satisfying thud.
"Wha-what?" spluttered Eremia, shooting her brother a nasty look as he righted himself and sat in the grass with a gleeful smile. "How did we travel that far in a night?"
"Exedor is not a big country, my dear," said Yorew contentedly, sitting down by the water while still clutching his staff. Jonah stood up and brushed the dirt off of his clothes in disgust. "And your father led armies and processions - those cannot travel as quickly as one horse and its riders. It was my duty to stay up all night, however, as it is impossible for a horse to enter full gallop for hours, and I had to see that it rested as frequently as I could have it. It was only an hour or two ago that we arrived here."
"And what happened to you?" she voiced in concern, walking over to, kneeling, and clasping Yorew's hand. "What did the guards my stupid brother enraged do to you?"
"Ah, they were no problem," replied the man, brushing aside her hand. "But, you both were badly injured - broken bones on both your accounts, I think, and a concussion. I had to see that you were healed, and you know how magic can tear at the strength of its wielder.
Eremia felt a hand on her shoulder, and whirled around to slap her brother in the face. He rubbed his cheek and frowned, but responded to the questions still in her mind. "It was my idea. Our home is in the south, and we're not far from Wyandanch and Eimhin. I thought that it would be easier to head to Eimhin, as Wyandanch and Exedor are both probably scrambling to find us by now. If we're smart, this can be our base of operations."
The livid girl made to punch her brother, but desisted. "This country is a madman's place," she reprimanded him with. "The King is cruel, merciless, and vicious, and is the leader of the Alliance! Even if we can avoid him and his soldiers, whom I've been told are among the best fighting forces on this planet, we still have to deal with his son and informants. How do you think you can survive here for longer than a day!?"
Before Jonah had a chance to answer, Yorew rose, placing the reins around a tree branch, and began to make his way away from the small creek and pool. Eremia rose and followed him hurriedly. It was not easy, due to his incredibly long strides, but she went after him, with Jonah casually stepping behind her. The girl had a question forming at the back of her mind, but she saw where his gaze fell upon.
In the distance, behind the tree, a collection of houses and stone buildings seemed to rise up from the surrounding countryside. Smoke filtered from the chimneys of some of the structures, and a gathering of townsfolk were rushing to and fro the area. If the girl stared hard enough, she could see the impression of market stalls in the midst of the households.
"I wished that we'd prepared our food more properly," mused Yorew. "Yet, we didn't have time, and so our supplies are presently an inedible mess. I do not think word has spread quickly enough for the citizens to suspect us of anything, so we should be fine. We'll find something to eat, as I'm sure you must be starving, return here, and make our way into Eimhin, so that we may keep distance from the oncoming army the King Renatus is sure to bring."
"And sister?" commented Jonah, placing his hand on Eremia's shoulder again, and then dodging the subsequent fist. Laughing, he continued. "Don't think you can run away from here and make your way back to the soldiers. Yorew is still strong enough to fight you, and we're close enough to Eimhin territory that you're bound to capture their attention. And did I mention you still don't know how to ride a horse well, and must head all the way back to a home you can't even find anymore?"
It was hard for her to avoid the urge to strangle him.
******
Unfortunately for them, people happened to be rather suspicious of a trio of rich-looking, but definitely beaten-up, group of individuals with the Exedor logo splayed across them. Eremia had once been told that this was the southern border with Eimhin, but this parcel of land had always belonged to Eimhin first and foremost. While the north adapted to its new nationality fairly quickly, this place did not, particularly when Eimhin claimed some of the southern land in a past war. It was no wonder that the King and Queen had troubled with deploying and using soldiers here.
Still, the vendors seemed rather cheerful to have someone buying from them, regardless of who the said buyer was. Eremia, who had draped a hood over her, walked alongside Yorew in the central courtyard of the town, with Jonah right behind them. The girl cast a few glances at the town's armory, and wondered what the militia in this area was like, as well as whether or not they were planning any kind of ambush or otherwise paying awfully close attention to them. However, the few soldiers scattered about seemed uncaring, although a few did stare at the trio with some level of confusion or suspicion, as did many passing citizens. Nevertheless, one butcher, graced in a bloodstained apron, at a corner of the marketplace was cordial enough, greeting the man and girl as they approached and asked for some of the wares.
"We'd have to get this cooked," mused the girl as she observed the collection of steaks scattered about the table. Not the most hygienic of wares, sure, but Eremia was starving, and happy to have what she could. And the food did look fantastic in her mind, if a bit too bloody and fresh for her liking.
"There's a baker a few steps a here," replied the butcher with a thick, heavy accent. It was completely unfamiliar to the girl, but it sounded like what she'd heard of the western voices. On the other hand, he looked a little less than sober, although the girl wasn't sure if his unshaven and battered appearance was leading her to that conclusion. The burly man certainly had a distinct tan and a rugged, worn appearance. "If you've got the money - and I'm guessing ya do - she'll be nice enough to cook it for ya."
"In that case," noted Yorew, pointing towards a particularly large one, "We'll take that fine specimen." He placed a few silver coins on the table, they with the typical Wyandanch symbol that was the currency of most of the area.
The butcher frowned a bit, but picked up the pieces and inspected them, nodding to himself before clenching the coins in his hand and opening a small box under the table to place them in. "Kid!" he called. "Hand me some of that wrapping paper."
A black-haired boy with overalls and a shirt appeared from the other end of the stall, setting down a heavy box as he opened another one and pulled out dull brown paper and some string. He handed it to the butcher while he returned to his duties, and the former wrapped up the selected piece of meat appropriately before handing it over to Yorew. "It's heavy," he said gruffly, and was immensely surprised to see the servant hold it up with ease.
"Wonderful!" said the girl cheerfully. "Thank you for the kind service!"
The butcher laughed and rubbed the back of his head. "You're a bit too flattering there, but fine, then. Good day to you, and the land graced by your presence!" That was definitely a western saying, Eremia noted, as she'd once known a man who'd visited her father's court for a few days and claimed to head from a blood land, whatever that meant, who'd said expressions like that. She was going to ask him a little about himself, for curiosity's sake. It wasn't every day she met a foreigner, particularly as she'd lived in what had been a fairly localized place her whole life.
Of course, nobody in the vicinity had any more time for ample conversation or frivolities about one's location and life, as there were the sounds of a scuffle emanating from somewhere in the marketplace. Eremia whirled around to see where her brother was, and, to her lack of surprise, he wasn't anywhere to be found. In the meantime, the butcher's eyes quickly shifted towards where the sounds of oncoming footsteps were, but what he saw was enough to destroy that gesture. He returned back to looking at his wares, acting completely ignorant as the duo rushed off towards where a small crowd of people was gathering.
Now they had to push aside the strangers as they approached the center of the commotion, earning them many angry and upset stares. Thankfully, it seemed as though the crowd was dispersing, although it was clear that was due to the wall of soldiers now surrounding an empty clearing, their spears pointed towards the onlookers. And, by a vendor who was now cowering beneath his stall of vegetables, was Jonah, struggling with some lady over a piece of cabbage. Eremia sighed. Typical.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Chapter 3.2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
You know the drill! I keep on clearing out the Green Room pretty much as soon as a work is posted, so lucky you, you're getting another review!
On a semi-side note, since this is a first draft, I would suggest not spending diddly-squat on concerning yourself with word counts. Tweaking word count comes later, after you have the entirety of the story laid out in front of you, so unless you went into this with an outline all set up and clear targets for your word counts in each chapter (which, considering this started as a NaNo project I highly doubt), worrying about word counts is rather pointless at this point.
Though if you were more concerned about the length of each part to post, around 2k words is the recommended for story parts. You can push it to to about 2.5k, possibly 3k, especially for fantasy since we fantasy readers are more accustomed to reading bricks of books, but the 2k range is tried and true regardless of genre.
Then again, with how long ago this was posted, you may have already figured that out. If so, yay! If not, now you know.
In any case, I'm not running into any issues with the lengths of the parts so far, except to vaguely recall thinking "this wasn't that long" on two of them in the under-2k range.
As for the contents of this part, I don't have much to say since everything basically flowed smoothly. I do wonder at Yorew's decision to have Eremia and Jonah come with him into the town and why he didn't try to make the trio a little less conspicuous, and while I can see why he wouldn't want to leave the siblings on their own for too long, parading around in clothes bearing the Exedor emblem seems like a pretty careless move on his part.
As for Jonah, either he's really stupid, or Eremia is jumping to conclusions. In either case, the cabbage-grabbing incident is something I foresee being addressed in the next part, so I'm not too concerned with it at the moment.
Hello, TheSilverFox! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful.
I think this is a good length for part of a chapter. It's still easy to read, and I didn't lose focus while doing so. Your grammar was also on point, so I'll focus on other things in this chapter instead.
When reading this chapter, I didn't feel like I learned much more about Eremia and Jonah. You've already established the traits you bring up in this chapter - especially with Jonah arguing with the woman at the very end. I feel like it was Yorew who had the most fleshing out in this part of your story. The previous parts portrayed him more as an extension of Jonah than as his own person. Though I'm still not sure exactly what defining traits Yorew has, I feel like I'm starting to getting a better grasp of them.
My one suggestion is with how you describe Eremia in some parts of the chapter; you referred to her as "the girl" on and off. It was a bit jarring and confusing when I first read it. I don't think you need to do that for this part of the story because she's the only female character present in those interactions where you used "the girl" instead of her name or feminine pronouns. If she was talking with the woman, on the other hand, it might be a good time to use it.
To tie this review up, I loved the world building that you're bringing into the story. Most of the information was conveyed through dialogue that made sense with the scenes that were occurring, and the little bit that wasn't didn't feel forced. So great job on that!
I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
I don't know if I've said this before, but my use of vague descriptors for character is a habit of mine. It's annoying, and I've been trying to move away from it, but you'll probably have to get used to it for now. Otherwise, I'm happy you liked the chapter and Yorew's character development - overall, thanks for the review!
Hey Fox! I'm here to review.
There's nothing wrong with this sentence, but I would suggest to remove the first two commas in order to make it less constricted and slow. There are other examples about the abundant use of commas, and they aren't wrongly placed, but they slow the pace.
I'm not following her here. Perhaps rephrasing the question?
I'm pretty much entertained by Eremia's character. She seems to be the watered down version of Lada from The Conqueror's Saga with her fiery attitude, and her tendency to violence to his brother is another testament of that. I hope there's much more to her than what it is. She seems to have an above average intelligence and is more thoughtful than her brother.
Ooh, the ending there is surprising, though also confusing. What does Jonah doing arguing with a lady over cabbage? Does he want it that much? Does he like getting into trouble? Is it the lady's fault, perhaps? Whatever it is, Eremia has expected it as it's something typical of him, so I wonder what usually would be the end of his action. I'm pretty sure Eremia is going to pull him away from the crowd, sure he's the one looking for trouble, though perhaps you might surprise me there. Let us see.
There's nothing much to say here because the large component of this chapter is focused on world building, which is lovely and is something that I'd pretty much say is one of your strength. I like how you approach a place by showing us its people and how does it look there, and the scene with the butcher, while mundane, gives us a good impression of how the place works. You also add in some culture or identity by having him deliver a distinct phrase, giving us more emphasize to the difference of the place.
And that is all! I won't say this is too long if I can read it this easily, so kudos to you! Keep up the good job!
Yay, thanks for your review! I've never actually decided if Jonah wanted the cabbage because he's hungry, or just felt like antagonizing someone. Either way, he's definitely the culprit here, as Eremia is used to. She definitely doesn't have much tolerance for his antics, and is often a determined, fierce spirit all on her own, but her personality is a bit more complex than that (as will likely become clear over later chapters). I'll definitely keep your grammar suggestions in mind (especially with those long sentences, because some of those are nightmares), and I'm happy you liked the worldbuilding. Once again, thanks!
Dearest Fox, I once reviewed a novel made entirely of chapters over 5K. I promise that 2K is nothing. Personally, I wouldn't worry about word count until you go over 5K, and even then the GR cleaners will get to you. (Or I will. Because I promised to see this through.)
Technical Comments:
As much as I love describing people (the interaction with the butcher was great, by the way), your setting is pretty important too! I got the general atmosphere, which in a lot of cases would be enough, but from what you've told me about this story, location and culture matter. A lot.
Thus, I think it would behoove you to spend a little bit of time on the local architecture, especially in places as culturally interesting as this contested border town. Besides, once you describe how cultures mix in this particular location, when you move into Eimhin, you'll be able to spend less time on the architecture there.
This is really more of a worldbuilding tool than anything else, and now that I think about it, I should probably implement this same trick a little more often too.
Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:
1. Wow Jonah, grow up and stop terrorizing people. (Also, I definitely thought of Avatar the moment I saw the word 'cabbage,' and I thought I should let you know because it is amusing.)
2. I like Yorew a little more after this chapter. I can't really tell at this point if he's more interested in helping Eremia or Jonah (though prior chapters suggest Jonah), because he doesn't spend time in this chapter trying to justify Jonah's actions, but instead is just looking out for Eremia. I'd actually be pretty happy if he ended up trying to get them to reconcile or something.
3. Is this Eimhin place where the Mad King and Belisarius are from? You don't have to tell me; I'm just curious to know how many terrible, evil, ringleader kings are out there.
4. Given that Exedor's king is relatively benevolent, I'm eager to see how the tension between the countries plays out. I don't have much reason to like either king as characters or people yet (even if Eremia and Jonah's father sounds like a better king), so it'll be fun to see how you play with war and such between the Alliance and everyone else.
And I'm going to quit there. Lots of good questions popped up in this chapter! I can't wait to see how the political situation continues to develop. Good job!
-Buggie
(seriously how could I forget the "My cabbages!" guy, I need to throw that line in there just for the sake of it).

(also, psssht, if I really did post these chapter-by-chapter, many of them would hover around 4-5k words. I just though separating them would be easier to handle, which it appears to be.)
Thanks for the review! I will admit, I definitely didn't consider cultural differences, manifesting themselves in architecture and traditions, as much as I should have. I dunno why; perhaps out of disinterest, even though it's a good consideration when it comes to worldbuilding? Admittedly, where Exedor stands was formerly Eimhin land, and a good number of the people are thus descended from former residents of Eimhin, so their cultures can be surprisingly homogeneous. Still, there are the "newcomers" - including the Royal Family, of course - who likely threw in their own cultural contributions. Like maybe a fondness for tall buildings and more natural-looking designs (long story).
(It's also this point that I want to mention that "western" accents and sayings don't actually refer to Eimhin. They refer to a country well beyond the Confederacy that won't appear for a while, though you'll find that the number of people who've moved from there makes sense.)
Otherwise, I don't think it'd be a spoiler to say that yeah, the Mad King Catharnach is the King of Eimhin. Malicious kings are sort of my thing, so there are a good number of them (especially in the Alliance) in the world. Too, a general theme of the story is the way that politics drives decent people to do terrible things for various reasons, good or bad. Even Trevonn may not be an exception to this.
Beyond that, Yorew definitely favors Jonah's schemes (for his own reasons that I won't be disclosing for a while), but he's conciliatory and helpful to the family he serves. He's the go-to mediator, despite sometimes being as talkative as a brick. Of course, whether he can reconcile them by falling into his typical role depends on whatever happens to the two of them, as you'll see.
Eurgh, I was taking for waaay too long. Once again, thanks for this helpful review, and I hope you enjoy the next part!