What's up, Silv! I don't think I've reviewed anything of yours before, so fair warning, I haven't read the previous chapters and I'm here to give you a good boot in the behind out of the Green Room.
First, we'll start with what I liked about the piece -- I'm not good at this part, so I'll pick out some specifics:
1. You've got some interesting characters drawing the reader into the piece. I'm really digging it from the start of the scene, and you've got some good conflict going on in this piece.
2. While your description needs some work (see critique), I'm definitely into how you're starting this off. It's killing me that my critique applies because I'm sure once this gets polished up it'll be way cooler than it is now, and it's pretty cool now.
3. Uhhhhh good writing?? I'm really not good at praising people. I'm sorry. Just remember that I tear it apart because I love it and I want to see it get so much awesomer.
Now, the critique:
1. You use entirely too many dialogue tags. They're a good thing to use, don't get me wrong, but you have people "remarking" and "concluding" when "said" would work just fine -- and more often than not, when you use "said", it's "said through gritted teeth" or "said in a voice more like a growl", and that's entirely too many words to say "growled". There's absolutely nothing wrong with leaving dialogue tags out entirely.
Keep an eye out for weird ones, too -- you don't really need to tell us that Alsather shouted when the dialogue is "Enough!", just cut it to his reaction.
2. This whole paragraph:
Can be cut and changed. The syntax is entirely awful for something that's supposed to take place over a split second. Try something like this instead:As she took a step closer, a dagger flew inches from her face, startling her. Jumping back in alarm, she nearly crashed into Kasimir. She watched the projectile fly past her, striking right at the wooden post holding up a tent. The structure bent and collapsed, leading to a few frustrated soldiers pulling themselves out and observing the damage as the blonde lady turned her attention to where the blade had come from.
It's more fast-paced -- in your paragraph, your sentences are way too long and don't seem to serve any purpose other than "lookit all my fancy words and description".She stepped closer. A slash of metal flew past her face and buried itself in a wooden tentpole. The woman stumbled back into Kasimir and as a few soldiers jumped to attention, she turned her eyes to the place the dagger had come from.
3. Thesaurus Syndrome. You have it bad, terrible, awful. Don't be afraid to use the same words for things in the same paragraph. Repeating exact phrases too often, or in the same sentence, can be an issue, but there's nothing wrong with calling a dagger a dagger instead of a "projectile" or a "blade".
4. You have a habit of telling the reader something you could have shown them. You don't need to explain that Alsather is obsessed with health if you show him washing his hands when no one else does, wearing only clean clothes, bathing often, taking care of his body, etc. etc. You don't need to explain absolutely everything. Even if you don't get the chance to show these things, then show him peeking at the sun for a split second and turning away to shade his eyes from the harmful glow.
All 4 of these things lead to your descriptions falling flat. It makes your writing clunky and awkward to read, and reminds your reader that they're just reading a story instead of living it.
Overall:
Shred the thesaurus.
Watch your pacing. This piece was very same-y in that the "fast-paced" parts of the scene were the exact same as the "slow-paced" parts. Work with your syntax and descriptions to make parts move faster and slower; it generates more interesting writing.
Read it out loud. Seriously. Read each and every word out loud. You'll catch typos and grammatical errors way better than just reading it in your head, because what's in your head is not what's on the page. You'll find your sentences that sound super awkward, you'll find your fragments, and you'll find mistakes you wouldn't even think of otherwise.
You've got this. Keep writing!
Points: 50
Reviews: 425
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