Author's Notes: 1,774 words
The Dragon King slouched in the chair in his room, propping his legs on the table and peering out the narrow window onto the desolate city below.
He sighed and squinted his eyes. Wielde tried to pretend there was an eager parade of loyal followers marching past, sounding trumpets and carrying the royal colors. It had worked when he was ten. Instead, there was still an abandoned street, there was still a man in tattered clothes sleeping beside an alleyway, and all of the flags were almost white with age.
Somebody knocked at his door. "Your Majesty," said one of Wielde’s bishops, "Seres would like you to see him."
Of course. It was always him seeing Seres, never the other way around. A few years ago, he would have wondered who was running the country. Now, he knew for certain it wasn't himself. Grumbling, Wielde pulled his legs back and stood up. "I will find him myself," he said, walking across the room and taking care not to trip over the robe that streamed behind him. He had to remind himself to stand up straight, to avoid the bishop's criticism. "He always stays close to the throne room."
Sure enough, a short walk down the stairs of the tower where Wielde's room resided (the bishop had fled on Wielde's approach, since few dared get in the way of the King) led Wielde directly into the left side of the imposing throne hall. Seres reclined on a seat set towards one of the massive stained-glass windows to the right, scanning through a manuscript.
Standing at the bottom of the steps, Wielde raised his chin and waited for Seres to look up and notice him. Not a response. Wielde, grumbling, stepped across the hall, walking onto the blue carpet that extended up towards the elaborately-carved, massive wooden thrones. The black stone absorbed most all of the light, so that even the windows to the side cast a weak glow on their surroundings. Seres had propped a table where a candle still smoked faintly - he must have lit it when he had been touring the building's defenses, Wielde thought, or some other boring task.
"Hello?" Wielde said at last, standing in front of Seres. He stamped his foot as Seres's eyes poked above the paper.
"Yes, hello," Seres replied gruffly, setting the paper on the table and placing his hands on his knees. "How have you been?"
Wielde scoffed. "As if you care. Just get to the point."
"Who do you want to crown you?" Seres said, standing up. "The King decides."
Baffled that he would have a decision in his own coronation (and not be shut out of the meeting halls where the bishops planned it), Wielde stammered. His robes shuddered as he pulled on his collar. "Maybe my cousin?" he said at last.
"Any reason for that?" Seres said, raising an eyebrow and pulling out a thin smile.
Wielde blushed and raised his voice. "She is the best, friendliest soldier we have; it would show the people -"
Seres leaned back in his chair. "We don't have any people," he said, sitting rigidly. "I've already been told that you take a great deal of interest in her." The smile stayed.
At times like these, Wielde despised Seres's know-it-all attitude. It was justified, as the latter had numerous informants spread out among the city, and Wielde knew that even his slightest breath would reach Seres's ears eventually. It also made sure that Seres came across as the superior man. "N-nonsense!" Wielde said, raising his arms dramatically. "She merely shows her talents. Is that not something to admire?"
To Wielde's surprise, Seres smirked. Turning his head towards a corner of the hall, Seres said, "He is smitten. I hadn't thought Wyandanch's royalty kept it in the family."
Wheeling around, Wielde watched as a lady in a black suit appeared from the darkened corner, striding confidently. He knew he had seen her before, usually whenever Seres had received some report that had been "confidential" enough for Wielde to be pushed out of the room, but he had never heard her speak a word. But there was a first time for everything.
"After that mess with our young King's grandfather, it makes sense," the lady said, voice slightly deep. She stepped past the fuming Wielde and stood behind Seres's seat, her arms stretching down the embroidered front.
Wielde scowled, stamping his foot. "Is that why you brought me down here?" he said, cheeks turning red, voice jumping up another octave. "To taunt me?"
While the lady withdrew from her spot, Seres stood up, clapping his hands momentarily. "You almost sounded like a king there," he said, cupping his chin in his hand and nodding. "You still sound like a child, I'm afraid. "Yet, you'll be happy to know we approve - she will coronate you."
"Seriously?" Wielde took a step back. He blinked and composed himself, pulling up his chin. "I mean, it is good to see you finally honoring your King."
Seres's smile widened. He steepled his fingers. "Even better," he continued, "you can then coronate her."
He couldn't resist. Jaw dropping, Wielde struggled to find the words. "You want me to make her the queen? That could only mean -"
"You will marry her," Seres finished, walking towards Wielde. On stopping a couple feet away from Wielde, Seres pointed towards the ceiling. Wielde's eyes followed, capturing the sight of a mural that he had seen countless times in his meditation sessions with his bishops. A man holding a gleaming sword fending off a dragon that was attempting to encircle The Pillars. The spare hand of the man held a bag that spilled out gold coins, falling onto a few men with dragon heads. Wielde knew the meaning; it symbolized Wyandanch's garnering the favor of the compliant dragons and crushing the rebellious ones.
Spreading his arms wide, Seres gestured towards the design. "We need another general to lead this land. I'm growing old, and I have a wife and children to be with. She’ll account for your weak heart and lack of talent with the sword, and maybe you’ll be the ones to finally crush the heart of the Alliance!"
A coldness seeped from the back of Wielde's head as Seres spoke. "In other words," Wielde said as Seres finished speaking and looked down, beaming, "You believe that she can carry on your legacy. You want her to unite the Confederacy, and leave me sitting at home and trying to peddle the policies you think are too merciful and too stupid."
Seres laughed. "How wise of you! The coronation will be in a month. I'll see to it that my family attends."
"Anyone else?" Wielde said, walking towards the thrones. "Or will it the quietest coronation in two thousand years?"
This had little effect on Seres's mood, as Wielde saw when he sat on the ground in front of the thrones and watched Seres's unconquerable smile. "My wife would love to see her distant cousin crowned, and I believe she and our children can arrive in time. Eurynome and Trevonn are still devoted to their search, but I imagine they could be coaxed to see a good show. We should have dignitaries soon enough -"
"Who?" moaned Wielde, burying his head in his hands. "The only countries that care for us are far away. How is it that you can pull all the joy out of my coronation? I will still be your puppet."
Now Seres sounded tense. "A month is enough time," he said, a twitch at the edge of his mouth. "And your birthday isn’t a secret. The date of your crowning has been a secret for years, for security’s sake, but they’ve known it will be by your 18th birthday, and many have been here for quite some time. You are no puppet; you are a King."
Wielde had little interest in angering Seres by suggesting that the two were not mutually exclusive, so he looked around for something else to say. "If you already knew," he said, placing a hand on the floor and pointing to the lady who hid in the darkness. "Why did you bring her?"
"Formality," the lady said before Seres could speak, stepping out of the shadows. "He also believes that I could serve as a spy."
"Why?" Wielde said, shoulders slumping. A spy for whom? "And what is your name?"
The lady smiled. "I'm Veta, and I'm the personal guard to the Lord of the Rats. Seres hopes that giving me to you will keep the old Lord happy."
Wielde had little interest in the rat people; he knew they kept to themselves, lurked beneath the city, and always had a tenuous relationship with their human neighbors. The rats considered that their slavery under the dragons had been replaced by slavery under the humans, which made diplomacy interesting. "So be it," he said. "Will the 'old Lord' be in attendance?"
Veta looked away. "He's ill. Hopefully for not much longer. I will come in his place."
"That could either mean that he lives or dies," Wielde said, eyes drooping ever further.
"Yes," Veta said.
"And who will succeed him?" Wielde said, raising an eyebrow ever so slightly while still sounding laconic.
Veta shied away. Seeing this, Seres leaped into the conversation, stepping forward. "That is irrelevant," he said quickly. "The coronation is in a month, the marriage will be shortly before it, and you have much to prepare for."
"I suppose so." Wielde stood and turned around, observing the thrones. "I will be sitting in the King's seat. For the first time in eighteen years, it will not be empty anymore."
"Your father was a good man -" began Seres in a voice that sounded so nauseatingly fake to Wielde's ears (though he would later wonder if he imagined it, much as it fell in line with Seres's normal degree of contempt).
Wielde, in that moment, spun around. "He was a reckless blowhard who abandoned my mother and left her to fall into madness, literally and otherwise. In eighteen long years, Wyandanch has been picking up the pieces, and now the picture is almost complete. I would like to finish it myself."
For once, Seres was speechless, outstretched hand frozen. Wielde's cheeks burned, and he felt tears forming at the corners of his eyes as he sprinted towards the staircase. He made his way up the stairs - due to his inability to see anything beyond a hazy blur, he collided with them, and spent a few seconds pushing himself up - vanishing in a wave of blue.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Chapter 20.4Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Sup,
Let's start with a recap to make sure I got the details right: "Wielde the almost king of the dragon people (whose kingdom is not doing well) is the unhappy puppet of Seres who kind of rightfully thinks he's an idiot (still a snake though). Seres embarrasses Wielde who hasn't been preparing for his coronation and suggests that the gaurd to the rat king (a race that seems to be their slaves/former slaves) marries him and becomes Seres' leash for Wielde. Wielde hates his dead father.
With that out of the way, the scene seems to be a set up for this quasi climax of the coronation, and reasonably well reasoned. Obviously it's still a draft so there's a few things that tripped me up, but overall I didn't have many problems with it. My method is pulling out lines and trying to analyze why they tripped me up in my reading, so don't be scared if I write a paragraph talking about one line, its mostly gonna be me trying to explain myself as clearly as possible.
There actually isn't a line for the first thing that tripped me up, I thought the first page or so of this to be pretty good, but there was a continuous problem that kept cropping up for me----You should watch your use of “as,” and “and.” You tend to want to put multiple actions in a sentence so I would make sure it’s necessary to include all of your actions if you can’t find a way to separate them into multiple sentences. For instance, your first sentence: “The Dragon King slouched in the chair in his room, propping his legs on the table and peering out the narrow window onto the desolate city below.” You have the dragon king doing multiple actions in this sentence which, at least for me, makes each action seem less important. Like, what do you want the reader to focus on, his putting his feet up or him looking out the window. Yes him slouching and putting his feet up shows his unprofessionalism, but the staring is the action you are going to elaborate on. So in this case you could use a slightly less active way of framing it. For instance “The Dragon King /was/ slouched in his chair with his legs propped up on the table, peering out the narrow window onto the city below.” This way the reader isn’t trying to imagine the process of him slouching and pulling his feet up onto the table and then peering out the window just him already sittin in a chair like a fool. I’m not sure if that makes sense or if that’s a route you want to go, but it’s a suggestion.
I pulled out some quotes from the beginning that made me pause for similar reasons (it's continuous through the whole piece): “He sighed and squinted his eyes,” “Seres reclined on a seat set towards one of the massive stained-glass windows to the right, scanning through a manuscript,” “Standing at the bottom of the steps, Wielde raised his chin and waited for Seres to look up and notice him,” “Wielde, grumbling, stepped across the hall, walking onto the blue carpet that extended up towards the elaborately-carved, massive wooden thrones,” “Seres replied gruffly, setting the paper on the table and placing his hands on his knees,” “Seres said, standing up,” etc. I know multiple actions can happen simultaneously, but we don’t always need to hear all of them. And when we do it can be confusing which means we may have to go back and reread the sentence to make sure we got all the details and then that breaks the immersion. This is obviously something you would fix in editing, not a big issue just something you’ll want to be aware of.
"He stamped his foot as Seres's eyes poked above the paper."----There’s probably a verb that would fit better here and give you the tone you want to apply to Seres. As is it sounds comicy, like a slide-whistle is going off in the background as he lowers the paper or like a “boink” as he pops his head up.
"Seres said, standing up"----Technically Seres asked. Also like before does it matter that Seres stand up here? Does it add anything, spark a response from the other character, lead to some sort of description.
"Wielde stammered. His robes shuddered as he pulled on his collar. "Maybe my cousin?" he said at last."----Stammering should be connected to the dialogue in some way. You split it up with the description of him shuddering which just makes me wonder what he was stuttering if not “Maybe my cousin?”
"Seres leaned back in his chair." ----He was standing.
"At times like these, Wielde despised Seres's know-it-all attitude..."----Here you lead into some flat out telling us what’s up. It would be more interesting to show this. Go right into Wielde getting flustered and if Wielde knows about the informants have him show us that he knows. The sentence “Wielde knew that even his slightest breath would reach Seres's ears eventually” is a great example of that. You don’t need to give us straight out that Seres has informants there’s enough information right there to tell us that he is observant and that’s really all we need to know. When you tell us flat out it detaches the emotion from the information and slows down the pace of the scene. Think about what the information adds to the scene, here it shows that Wielde feels incompetent compared to Seres who he feels is out to get him (totally justified). Then think about if you can get that across in a more integrated way or if it’s already getting across.
"Wielde watched as a lady in a black suit appeared from the darkened corner, striding confidently"----Oh sh*t!
"After that mess with our young King's grandfather, it makes sense," the lady said, voice slightly deep. She stepped past the fuming Wielde and stood behind Seres's seat, her arms stretching down the embroidered front."----What’s on the embroidery and can it add to her character? I’m not say that as a “this detail doesn’t add anything” but in a “opportunity to characterize her by her appearance." Also I'm just realizing this now (hi, I'm from a slightly less distant past) but what does "slightly deep" mean. is it slightly more deep than he expected her to sound? Slightly more deep than a normal woman's voice? slightly deeper than his voice? Why does Wielde pick up on this detail. Again not saying it's a pointless detail, I think it's an interesting detail that adds to how we the audience will perceive her.
""You almost sounded like a king there," he said, cupping his chin in his hand and nodding. "You still sound like a child, I'm afraid."" ----The "still sound like a child" comment is unnecessary, we got from the taunt that he sounds like a child 90% of the time, this just makes it sound like Seres doesn’t think his joke made sense.
"Yet, you'll be happy to know we approve - she will coronate you."----So you’re doing a misdirect here, right? You may want to say this in a more ambiguous way like “she will join you for coronation day” or something that doesn’t make it sound like he changes his mind when he announces that Wielde can coronate her. Like, is she coronating him and then they're getting married? That's probably right, it still makes the reveal that she'll be marrying him kind of awkward. It would be more interesting if Wielde makes the assumption that she'll coronate him and then Seres corrects him "Nah dog, you're coronating her," (not in those words obviously, but that would be an awesome character choice)
"'My wife would love to see her distant cousin crowned,'" ----Would he realistically bring this tidbit up in this diolouge? This may be one of those details to just spell out for us out of scene.
""I suppose so." Wielde stood and turned around, observing the thrones..."Your father was a good man -"...Wielde, in that moment, spun around. "He was a reckless blowhard who abandoned my mother and left her to fall into madness, literally and otherwise..." ----This might be more interesting at the start of their conversation, when they were still pretending to be friendly. And may lead to a much different conversation and make it much less out of no where when Wielde throws a tantrum.
Like I said, overall pretty good. There's some stuff that realistically you'd pick up in editing, but otherwise nothing that really distracted me. I would also mention that the scene felt rushed particularly at the end of the conversation, which, like, that's every draft I've ever written. Keep an eye on the end of the scene and the ever important middles of the scene to make sure you're keeping the energy of the scene up throughout.
Hey Fox! Back again for my second to last review.
Though they haven't interacted yet, something about Wielde reminds me of Eremia. I get the feeling that both of them are trying to be perfect. Madeline called Eremia out on it several chapters ago, and little comments like this show how Wielde's trying to do the same thing. I think both of them feel like they have to work especially hard to earn their place in where they are, even though they're both young and it's hard to live up to the vision people have of them and they have of themselves. I'm hoping that Wielde gets a chance to be himself after the coronation happens, though something tells me that probably won't be the case.
Oh, hey, it's Veta! I didn't expect to see her again so soon. Something about that last line rubbed me the wrong way - since it implies that she's being treated as little more than an object - but Veta is awesome and will hopefully become more than just a guard to Wielde. He could do with a couple of good friends, and Veta seems like she's the type of person who you'd want to be friends with.
Now here's the important question: are they right? Because if they are, I can definitely see a little bit of it already. If not, I'm very curious to see how some of that diplomacy goes in the future chapters.
I really enjoyed this chapter, and I can't wait to read the next.
Yeah, I have to agree that Eremia and Wielde are pretty similar when it comes to perfectionism. Eremia's perfectionism is born mostly out of her taking her responsibility as heir to the throne waaaay too seriously, while Wielde's derives from being looked down upon or neglected by the vast majority of people. Especially Seres, who, the line of Veta's you quoted, kind of sucks. Lastly, the relationship between the humans and the rats is a little complicated? There's a lot of mutual hostility, bitterness, and racism, as you'll see later on in the story. Once again, thanks for the review!