z

Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Chapter 17.3

by TheSilverFox


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

Author's Notes: 731 words.

Dressed in archer’s clothes, Karikoff’s spy walked through the Eimhin camp, observing the buzz of men and women as they swarmed tents, whispering among themselves and eating. She was, as usual, ignored, particularly after she ducked into a group of archers traveling towards the large tent at the camp’s center.

That she could be here at all was the testament to her skills. Most everyone that Eimhin could send patrolled the perimeter, covering every inch in their gazes and spears. It was dangerous enough that Karikoff had used a messenger to send her archer’s clothes to her, and she had slipped them on in a small shack just outside the perimeter. However, she was nothing if not competent, and so here she was, scanning her surroundings for anything of use.

Her internal voice told her something was wrong. The plan had been secure enough that Catharnach should have had no idea of its existence, but his army’s movements said otherwise. Kasimir had reasoned the creepy child had, by some unknown means, stumbled upon the plot. Alternatively, ‘Jonah’ could have found Catharnach was hated by the other armies and had rightfully predicted that they might threaten his supremacy. In any case, the spy’s goal was simple – find ‘Jonah,’ and extract as much information on him and his plots as possible.

She guessed that he had to be close to Catharnach, since he was such a vital piece to The Mad King’s operations. It still amazed her – The Prince of Exedor or not, there was a close enough resemblance that Catharnach could actually rule over Wyandanch. It was the immensely disturbing thought behind her second goal: if possible, capture ‘Jonah.’

Catharnach’s home loomed ever closer, swallowing up and expelling a constant parade of soldiers, all of whom seemed tense. None of the other archers paid her any heed; she was just another person in the crowd to them. She, however, watched all of them, noting their pained, frightful expressions. Their whispered conversations suggested ‘Jonah’ was at the center of their anxieties, though they knew only that he was assuring Catharnach’s security. Nevertheless, ‘Jonah’ proved creepy enough that they distrusted him. She had their same question - what was his ultimate plan?

“I have grown very tired of you.”

With that, she felt herself yanked by a huge amount of force, ripped from her position at the back of the group. The spy froze as she was thrown onto the ground inside of a tent, a chainmail-wearing soldier looming over her. He appeared normal, but his deep voice contained cracked and growled over words.

“I’ve not wanted to kill anyone, but you’ve made things difficult for me.”

The spy tried to shout, but the soldier leaned forward and grabbed her by the throat, stifling her. She tried to grab onto his wrists and yank his hands away, all to no effect.

“I had hoped your petty squabbling would not threaten this mission. Instead, a cursory look at Karikoff’s documents tells me that your people plan to capture or kill Catharnach and Ailean at Kasimir’s leisure. Not to mention his affection for you.” The soldier’s eyes flashed, irises temporarily disappearing as the voice became more inhuman.

“I-,” stammered the spy, as the grip around her neck tightened. What frightened her more was the thought that Karikoff could be in danger.

The soldier smiled. “What happens if I give him reason to weep, hm?”

“You – wouldn’t – dare,” spat the spy, desperately trying to breathe as her face turned shades of purple and blue.

“Had you not considered treason, I wouldn’t,” the soldier said, nodding. His face hardened, shadows lurking across it. “Catharnach must be The Dragon King. Nothing. Else. Matters.

The spy flailed her legs, glancing his knee. He didn’t respond at all, beyond setting his feet back. Her vision began to blur, and she could feel the strength draining away from her arms and legs. Grip weakening, she gasped, “Kari!”

“Yes, he’ll get the message. It’s midafternoon? He’ll know by tonight, and then those fools won’t dare trouble the mission, lest they be stupid. Even Belisarius wouldn’t be of much use. I have little need for new puppets now, but this is simply too convenient. Thank you.” The soldier bared his teeth, jerked his hands to the side, and snapped the spy’s neck.

Among the countless active soldiers, the sound never traveled past the tent.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
415 Reviews


Points: 31520
Reviews: 415

Donate
Tue Jun 05, 2018 2:53 am
keystrings wrote a review...



Hey Silver!

Alrighty. This chapter was interesting! I kind of like that the spy doesn’t have a name. That makes it so much more mysterious especially since I barely know anything of what’s going on.

Since I can’t say much plot wise, I’ll go more specific sections instead. To start with, I want to discuss the opening line of

Dressed in archer’s clothes, Karikoff’s spy
even if I’m being nit-picky. For me, I’d rather you just put “the spy” instead of just telling the reader who they are, unless you’ve already referred to this person before. You weave in details of them being linked to Karikoff and being an enemy, so to me, it seems unnecessary to label we that directly.

In addition, I almost want to change “dressed in archer’s clothes” to something with “disguise” in there, but that’s a lot more personal taste. It’s definitely fine as it is but you could describe the clothes themselves if you want to get really in the “showing not telling.”

A second portion that caught my attention is the line of
She had their same question - what was his ultimate plan?
First off, I do like what you’re offering here, but I almost feel that writing this with “shared their same question.” I dunno, but to me that sounds a lot smoother at connecting the spy to the locals - or just a more general population.

Overall, I think you did a great job at building the tension between the spy and her ultimate death. And I like the hints to the brewing war and everything between these (cities? kingdoms?); either way, I like the info and whatever this ‘Jonah’ figure is going to do. I hope this helped a little XD. I’ll try to keep with the other chapters yet to be reviewed as well!

Good luck with the rest of LMS!




User avatar
590 Reviews


Points: 1234
Reviews: 590

Donate
Sun May 06, 2018 9:22 pm
View Likes
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, TheSilverFox! I hope my review can do your work justice.

Grammar and Syntax

No problems here!

Characters

Rest in peace, nameless spy. Just like all of the other nameless characters that came before you, you will be missed for about a week until the next update comes and makes me forget about you. I did like her for the little time that she was a part of the story. She seemed pretty good at her job, up until the point where she wasn't.

And I wonder who that soldier was? My guess is on that thing possessing Jonah, but only time will tell. He did seem to have a little too big of an ego to just be a random extra thrown in to kill the spy, and the line about puppets makes me even more certain of it.

Plot

Interesting turn of events! I think you should maybe ignore my comment about needing more Jonah in my last review - it seems like there's plenty of him here. I love seeing how other people perceive him, and I love how the spy repeatedly referred to him with quotation marks. Whatever is possessing him seems to be creating quite the reputation, and I hope Jonah starts to fight back soon.

I really enjoyed reading your work. While there may have been a few rough spots, it's overall a wonderful piece of writing. If you feel like some parts of my review need further explanation or just aren't good enough, please let me know. I'd gladly clear up anything about this review.

Keep up the great work (which I doubt you'll have trouble with) and good luck on your writing endeavors!




TheSilverFox says...


haha so many people who don't have names. <.<

Yep, 'Jonah' is definitely controlling the soldier. It's starting to set up damage control, because being surrounded by sociopathic idiots isn't exactly a road to success. It has the will to make it happen, so that could be problematic for everyone else, to say the least. In any case, I'm glad you liked the chapter - thanks for the review!




cron
"The rules of capitalization are so unfair to the words in the middle of a sentence."
— John Green, Paper Towns