Young Writers Society

The characters are taking some getting used to and also you're not being very clear about who they are, until we get down to the fifth paragraph involving on their actions. Like I could have possibly guessed the Eremia was the princess based off of her dialogue with the attendant but she also could have been of some other class of royalty. I don't remember her name being mentioned in the previous part so it would have been nice for it to have been somewhere in the dialogue.
I'm also assuming that she's older than Jonah.
Also I'm liking that your little society here doesn't have that many confines, where a princess is allowed and encouraged to learn how to fight, and also clearly the lady working on her dress doesn't care about sexuality. That may be a single event and a single opinion, but the way in which you present it, makes it sound like a wide spread belief.

The abduction scene has finally looped back into what I heard in the first chapter. It doesn't seem like it's put together with much care, and most of the details about it have been rushed over. Or at least that's the overall feeling I have gotten from all of the parts I have read so far, meaning well but they didn't follow through on the execution. It always comes down to that one part and that is where I've seen something like 90% of the writers on YWS fail at.

At this point though, I am still holding out hope for where the chapter might go. You asked above what the opinions were on splitting this up and I'd go for no, don't do it. If you thought it was best to combine these two in the first place, then the decision still holds through now.

I meant to say in the last review that if you wanted to talk about the crap I said, that you could find me on discord. But I also remember you leaving the server and I had no way of finding you in the logs.
I have found you now.

Oh hey! Guess who's back for another part because of a too-clear Green Room. Not that you really need to guess because it's rather obviously me. I mean, my name is plastered rather prominently at the top of this review. But I'm rambling.

In any case, we start off with a question I have asked before:

She despised his manipulative and evil little voice, and the way it seemed to drip off of him like honey.

Hello, TheSilverFox! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.

I didn't have any problems with your grammar, as well as your setting, so I'll focus on the characters instead.

I already love Eremia. I think she might have been in one or two roleplays before, but I'm not sure. Whatever the case is, she's another interesting female character in your book that I can't wait to read more of! I love how she's a mage, though I may be a bit biased, and I also love how you included how long it took to cast a spell. As someone who has played a mage in video games, that type of thing makes sense.

Unlike with Jonah, I dislike Yorew completely. I'm waiting for a moment where he can redeem himself, but he doesn't have the same uncertainity when it comes to how his character will develop. I also didn't expect that these three would be the three to escape, which was a very good plot twist on your part.

One of the things I especially liked about this chapter was the detail you went into about the corset. I like how you showed how restrictive it was. I've read several stories before that feature a character who has to wear one, but yours is one of the few that shows how painful it is.

My one suggestion is to show Eremia attempting to find more ways to escape throughout the rest of the chapter. She seems to be smart, so I feel like she would continue to try finding them instead of admitting defeat. (Unless, of course, she's waiting for the perfect time in the next chapter to break away from her brother and Yorew.)
I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

... This chapter leaves me feeling vaguely uncomfortable, and not in a what-is-Jonah-up-to way. I mean, I got that too, just... we'll discuss this later.

Technical Comments:

The thing about clothing is that describing it gets cumbersome. Yes, I love me some good princess dress descriptions, but unless said clothing is actively being put on, or someone's getting a full-blown introduction, outfit description is not worth the words you will spend. Case in point, the little bit about the maid's clothing. That particular section is so weighed down by your description of what the maid is wearing that it's easy to lose sight of what I'm supposed to get out of the sentence.

I try to be seamless about it (haha, seamless, get it?) and just slip in little details where convenient. You know Ellipse wears a janitor uniform and has nice, solid boots, because I like talking about her clomping around and fumbling through the pockets. Likewise, with the maid, maybe she keeps pins in the pocket of her overalls, and those pins end up somewhere on Eremia's person.

Or instead of mentioning individual articles of clothing, you might just try to get across the feel. For that, your best friends are going to be color schemes, textures, and both adjectives and verbs that describe the cut and drape of fabric. (You may want to look up some sewing terms for texture and draping, especially if you want accuracy in a medieval novel, but I imagine you can come up with some strong verbs for fabric movement.)

Of course, when Eremia is at a ball, or being introduced to some suitor, you have full permission to go wild with clothing descriptions, and to be as vivid and cumbersome as you like. (Splendor is a good thing in some instances. Though so is squalor, if you want to spend a good chunk of time describing someone's ratty rags.) All the stuff up there is mostly just to help with your passing descriptions.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

You're going to get my spiel about writing ladies. I'm sorry, and I didn't want to do it, but Eremia is falling into a number of harmful tropes already, and I honestly felt uncomfortable enough reading this chapter that I think things need to be pointed out.

1. For the love of cheese, please do not mention catcalling/wolf whistling from a girl's perspective until you have put serious thought into how it might feel to be catcalled yourself. And by serious thought I mean: if men I saw on a regular basis felt comfortable enough in their "masculine power" to prey on me in a sexual manner without fear of repercussion, how would I feel? I would be terrified. Angry too, but mostly terrified and violated.

Eremia is the Crown Princess, remember? Only someone with authority equal to hers (or someone very stupid, and how many people are stupid enough to risk royal wrath over a catcall?) would dare disrespect her.

2. If Eremia is more powerful than men (magically, by birth, by authority), then keep her there. Too often in literature I see powerful women reduced by men, either because of the stereotype that women are weaker (any two people of similar build will see a difference in power if one of them is a head shorter than the other), or because their fatal flaw is tied into traditionally feminine traits.

In this chapter, I saw Eremia defer to her brother, who doesn't have her authority. He may be a brilliant jerk, but Eremia has gone through this scheme enough times that she should either have a plan to counter him, or she should keep her air of power despite going along with him. That means no bowed heads.

3. In general, because you are a guy, you will have to be careful about how you write girls. You're not a bad writer; you've just been conditioned by how male-dominated action/political drama writing is (look up stats about male and female script writers for Hollywood, if you doubt me). And if you feel like I'm spouting nonsense, try to read some examples of ladies written well by men. Most of the female characters in PMD (except Fleur... sorry Hunter) are very well done, and Piper and Samirah (Riordan: Heroes of Olympus and Magnus Chase) are some personal favorites. A lighter example might be the girls in Trenton Lee Stewart's Mysterious Benedict Society, though they're younger, so they won't have as many of the same issues that Eremia might face.

4. There's this trope out there called the Strong Female Character, which sounds good, but isn't. The Strong Female Character tends to be a) strong in masculine ways, b) weak in feminine ways, and c) maybe pretty, but it's kind of a topic of debate because the description is inconsistent. You've started down this path with Eremia by way of points 1 and 2, so be careful with how you portray Eremia's femininity. It should be a strength more than it is a weakness (and no, beauty does not count).

I gave Hunter part of this talk a while ago (and Char and Tort too), so seriously, don't feel bad about getting it. The dirty truth is that it is hard to break the conditioning that tells you how to write strong ladies, even for girls. It is hard to think about how the opposite gender might perceive things. You're not a bad writer. You just haven't been exposed to the new culture rising around women in literature.

... That's a lot. If you want to debate any of this with me, feel free. I will argue and clarify and maybe concede things, because I'm really not good at arguing. Also, if Eremia's portrayal gets stronger in the future, I will let you know and admit that maybe you didn't need the talk. I just... first impressions are important, so I pick on them a lot.

Until next week!
-Buggie

I had a blast, as usual, reading one of your chapters, and I get a strong sense that you know exactly where the story is going at this point. There are a couple of specific things that I took issue with, but I want to make clear that this did NOT detract much from my overall feeling that this was a really good chapter.

I appreciate that you give a description of the maid, but I'm not sure it's necessary to say that she has bright red overalls, a black, wide shirt, and a gray cape. I would shorten that, but it's more a matter of personal preference.

". . . Swords are not too your liking." The 'too' should be a 'to' there. Minor, I know.

"The attendant, complete, breathed a sigh of relief and stepped back, clapping her hands for the girl to return around and stare at her reflection within the mirror." I think there are some misused words in this sentence. First of all, the attendant is not complete; her work is. I would say, "Task complete, the attendant breathed . . ." Also, the girl should 'turn' around, not 'return' around, and her reflection should be 'in' the mirror, not 'within' the mirror. For some reason, the way you used those seems a bit weird.

"She despised the pain and frustration of getting such an outfit one. The prospect of wearing it for most of a day seemed dreadful." Innocent grammar mistake, with "getting such an outfit one" instead of "on." Also, I think that in the second sentence, you don't need both "The prospect of" and "seemed." Both sort of add the same thing to the sentence. It's like saying, "She saw that the dress appeared to be blue." Not incorrect, but a little repetitive. It's an easy fix; just get rid of either "The prospect of" or "seemed."

I know this is a fantasy world, and you can sort of make up whatever you want, but it did take me out of the story when Eremia used air quotes. I'm fairly sure that concept is pretty new, so it was a little unrealistic. Unless you have a good reason, I would consider taking it out.

In the second paragraph after the break, you slip into present tense for a moment. Easy fix as well.

"Teeth were clenched in rage, which forced to stop every few steps to take in a deep breath and persist with her persistent march." I think you mean "forced her to stop," and "persistent" is repetitive, after using a form of the word just before.

". . . leered at her while he relaxed in the bed's blankets." I'm not getting a clear image from this, so I think it would be great if you specified his position. Is he lying down extravagantly on the bed? Is he just sitting? This is completely optional, but I think it would be a great place for some additional characterization.

"The girl huffed at him and approached him, . . ." This is a little awkward because of the repetition of "him," so maybe take out the "at him," since it doesn't really change the sentence.

Those were all the petty nitpicks I caught. Overall, though, great work! I love how you continually raise the stakes from chapter to chapter. It's quite an entertaining read, and I look forward to more chapters.