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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Chapter 3.4

by TheSilverFox


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Author's Notes: 843 words.  Wrapping up Chapter 3.  This part annoys me; I don't like making up swears (even if this world has concepts that would invalidate plenty of our swear words, I prefer using the ones that still apply, though I might go for the middle ground and alternate between made-up ones and more familiar ones).  I hate how paranoid and suspicious everyone is, even if it's not a bad mentality (and, in this case, pushes the plot along).  The final words are also too long.  But hey, that's what editing is for.

"Caztaranca," mouthed Jonah, before his sister slugged in the arm for the use of such a powerful invocation.

Silence was the rule for the next minute, as everyone tried to grasp with his final statements. The butcher then gestured to his stall, where the kid he worked with grabbed a few sacks and ran over to them. "These are some hard biscuits and jerky for the travel. I'd hand you a glass bottle for water, but glass is rare in these parts, and I don't know what troubles you'll find on the way. As a word of advice, I'd say you go for Exedor. That kid saved your life, sure, but he had the royal animal of Eimhin. He could easily be springing a trap, and I don't think that garrison could get the news and react quickly enough. You're better off leaving as quickly and fleeing as swiftly as you can."

"My exact thoughts," replied Yorew, nodding his head calmly. "In that case, I bid you adieu, and may He grace you and preserve your strength. Come now, children." Eremia clasped his hand obediently, and Jonah threw aside the rope before grasping Yorew's other hand with his non-knife hand.

The butcher and kid waved a goodbye as the trio walked away from the bloody battlefield into what everyone was sure was going to be a firestorm all its own.

******

It was midday, when the sun was at its hottest and brightest, when the sound of descending wings consumed the dark and bloodstained alleyway. Talons ungracefully scraped against the cobblestones and slipped over the remnants of the earlier fight as the eagle descended onto the ground, shifting into a young adult in the process. The smell was awful, even though the lifeless corpses looked fresh and new. Clearly, the struggle had only taken place a few hours ago.

Even though it was hard to see at all, what was visible was wretched. As the eagle’s eyes adjusted to the light, and his own keen vision took hold, a series of bodies were haphazardly arranged in the alleyway. Many slumped against walls, some with arrows sticking out of their bodies. The whole area was smattered in blood, and expressions of horror were frozen on many of the victim's faces. The eagle stepped over some of them, taking care not to get blood on the brown-and-white outfit that was a few sizes too large for him, and would always billow in the wind.

And, to his amazement, there was still one individual faintly breathing. He could hear a whisper in the air, and focused on the back of the alleyway, where a man in a green shirt and torn chainmail gasped and quivered. His red bandana lay on the ground, and blonde hair billowed outwards, now stained crimson. As the eagle grew closer, he realized that the man was covered in stab marks, forming the pattern of an eye across the victim's chest. Too, when he drew near, he realized that the whisper was, in fact, a voice. A mantra of some kind, repeating itself over and over again.

"I am Favrhid. I am not petty. I am not weak. I scorned my father. I did my uncle's bidding. I was a ruler of men, antagonized a country. That child is not normal. That child is evil. My c...I am Favrhid."

The dying criminal looked up at the wide eyes of the hapless recon soldier, but seemed to be staring right through, up at the blue sky above. And so he repeated the mantra to the horrified and disturbed figure, his eyes gradually clouding with mist, wording becoming ever more unclear, garbled, and mad. As the eagle took several steps back, sprouted impressive wings, and soared into the air, the criminal raised his hand out towards him, spat out blood, and died.

Now the eagle flew in the air, swooping over the small town and searching it intently. He was disgusted and sickened by having to see such a spectacle, though it had not been the worst that had crossed his path by far. His job had placed him in some interesting and despicable circumstances in the past. Nevertheless, that was not something he wished to think of. Rather, he chose to focus on the sensation of relief that began to pour through him. He had been informed by his superiors that Jonah had had a dagger. Too, he recognized the impressions of a horse's tracks in the form of crushed grass providing a trail from a small pond and creek.

Here was his quarry. All he had to do now was follow the path, find his targets, and send word through the ranks that the children of the King Exedor and their servant were on the cusp of being caught. And then he would no longer have to fear. His superiors and peers had threatened him, placing his life upon this operation. He had worried that he would come back empty-handed and be slain on the spot.

Such was not the case anymore.


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Sat Sep 30, 2017 11:40 pm
Kale wrote a review...



You know what time it is? Yup. It's "Kyll reviewed everything in the Green Room (again) and came back to assault you with more commentary" time.

Also, I can't find on on Discord. Did you perhaps typo when typing out your own handle? *squinty squinty squint*

Anyways, I'm also not a fan of the made-up swears, and I'd recommend going to route of having characters swear indirectly. At the very least, it doubles as a way to provide context to the reader about why the swear is such a taboo thing to say, and it's a lot less awkward to read.

Like, I'm not even sure how to say "Caztaranca", which makes it all the more intrusive and distracting as a made-up word. Something like "Jonah mouthed the name of (insert description of relevant deity/demon/whatever) and..."

That would be a much less intrusive approach to the swearing issue, and it also gets around the inclusion of actual swearwords in this. Hooray for multipurpose solutions!

(I might be getting a bit loopy from all the reviewing, but I'm so close.)

With that said, obvious foreshadowing was obvious, and while I suppose at this point that you intended it to be obvious, I still think my suggestion about having deer boy in the alley at the same time as pleading happens is a good idea because it will help justify the paranoia and suspicion floating around.

Poor eagle boy though. Sounds like he's having a rough time of things, for no fault of his own.




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Fri Sep 08, 2017 1:19 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



My last day of work is tomorrow and things have been way hectic, and I apologize for being so late to this party.

Technical Comments:

1. So you do this thing where you start sentences with 'too' sometimes? I understand what you mean when you do it, of course, but it's a habit you might want to kick. Though the practice was once acceptable, it phased out in the 17th century, and now any uses of 'too' to start a sentence will be limited to maybe a handful of times in a long work. And I think you're past a handful by now.

Plus if I'm being totally honest, it sounds stiff, and I think taking the 'too' out of your style will force you to get more creative with how you describe settings.

2. Since you mentioned it in your note, let's talk about made-up curse words.

Think for a moment, and try to figure out what the longest curse word you know is. It's probably pretty short, right? Splats off the tongue, like any good curse word should. If it was long, you wouldn't be able to gasp it out whenever you accidentally injure yourself.

As such, I'm going to declare your curse word a poor one. I can't even decide how to say it, and it has two double consonant sounds (that z-t and n-c there? I wouldn't be able to bite those out spur-of-the-moment), and it's four syllables. You better have a stinking good story behind that word, otherwise people probably wouldn't use it as a curse.

Also, if you have to explain that it's a curse word, you're doing it wrong. Curse words, even when made-up, are some of the most instinctively emotive words out there.

... I guess to remedy that last point, you could try adding an exclamation point.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. I'm going to bet that going to Exedor is going to be the wrong choice, just because I like Jonathan.

2. Though, now that you've mentioned that little 'royal animal' thing, I might like him less. I predicted he was some hotshot, and now I'm more likely to be right, and so the mystery isn't as strong. Mysterious pasts are good things to hold on to, when you can.

3. Gotta love a good massacre. Be careful though, with all the deaths. After a while, us readers might get desensitized, and then when you kill off someone important, the impact will be less of a gut-punch.

Uhh... that's it for now. Sorry about the delay; my work week looks like a disaster right now, and I have a ton of personal projects that I set deadlines for this week, so I'm a bit behind.

Later, gator
-Buggie




TheSilverFox says...


I have no idea where I picked up the "too" thing. I keep trying to get rid of it these days, but it just won't go away. Until then, you should hopefully see it diminish with time. Honestly, the "royal animal" line can either refer to members of a human royal family who can transform into animals (long story), or the animal group that a country is affiliated with. It's impossible to tell which is which without knowing the person in question, but the audience is going to read that line and assume it's the former. The butcher has 0 context to assume what the audience does, so that line's going to get tanked and replaced with a much better paranoid explanation.

I will also see if I can find a strong and brief enough sound that would be suitable for a curse word (maybe anything based on German swear words). I could also just have Jonah use a regular one, for the hell of it. Since I need to leave for a bit, I'll just wrap this up - thanks!



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Tue Sep 05, 2017 12:08 am
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, TheSilverfox! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful.

And the plot thickens! It will be interesting to see how this new character affects the plot of the story, and how much trouble he'll cause for the protagonists.

Speaking of characters, I love how mysterious you keep the recon soldier. I was able to guess what some of his motivation is - his life is on the line - but I don't know much about him besides that. And that motivation could lead to some very interesting opportunities later on in the plot. Though you may just leave him as an antagonist, I could also see him becoming a possible ally/friend to the current three protagonists.

Your descriptions and grammar were spot on in this chapter! Like the soldier, I found myself disgusted by the death of the criminal. Your descriptions also allowed me to see through the eyes of someone who wasn't there at the time of the conflict, so props to you for that!

I do have a couple of little comments to make before I end this review.

"Caztaranca," mouthed Jonah, before his sister slugged in the arm for the use of such a powerful invocation.


Is this the swear that you mentioned? Do you have a meaning for it? I don't have any problem with it, but I'm pretty curious about it.

As the eagle’s eyes adjusted to the light, and his own keen vision took hold, a series of bodies were haphazardly arranged in the alleyway.


Since you mentioned right before this line that the eagle had become a young man, seeing him referred to by that descriptor confused me. Maybe you could change it in future drafts?

The dying criminal looked up at the wide eyes of the hapless recon soldier, but seemed to be staring right through, up at the blue sky above.


This was another line that confused me. I didn't realize that the young man was a recon soldier, so I initially didn't know who you were talking about. It makes sense now that I think about it, but I would suggest mentioning it prior to that point.

I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

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The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.
— T. H. White