z

Young Writers Society


16+

Chapter 15.3

by TheSilverFox


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Author's Notes: 1,051 words.

As expected, Aquila was in the hospital tent. He'd been moved this time, onto a makeshift bed nudged up against one corner. Eremia hated the room - it smelled too much of blood and organs, and half of the objects had a pale yellow color. She pretended not to listen to the faint groaning of some of the patients, or notice that some of them didn't move. Eremia stepped daintly over sheets scattered on the floor as Katerina, tromping and slipping around, led her inside. Once or twice, Katerina nearly yanked the both of them to the floor, but her quick reflexes saved them. Why Katerina had decided to go barefoot, exposing her claws, was beyond Eremia.

Aquila tried to hide his amusement, but it was clear on his smile. Nestled among the blankets, he seemed almost complacent, if not for his drooping eyes. When Eremia looked at him, he wrapped a blanket around his head so that only his beak poked out. "Hello," he said nervously.

Katerina kicked one of the sheets aside. "I swear, Madeleine does this on purpose. She always said that I would be better off standing on the other side of camp while she worked."

Eremia thought of a sarcastic response, but shelved it - she didn't want to upset the person keeping her on two feet. I suppose she would be a friend? That might be a bit much, since I only met her such a short time ago. And she seems to be everyone's friend. Is she even ever angry? What would that look like? I cannot imagine her as intimidating, and yet -

Nudging her, Katerina whispered in her ear, "you've been staring at him for almost a minute now, and I think it's making him uncomfortable."

She was right; Aquila was shivering. Eremia coughed and tried to think of something. "Ahem - about that time - ". The princess in her scowled and crossed her arms; Eremia would have nothing to do with these indignities, she declared. She had merely acted rashly. It was he who should be apologizing to her for worrying and confusing her by failing to tell the whole story. Why did she have to stoop to his level?

Yet, she could see the quavering Aquila and know that he was afraid of her. He hadn’t known what to say to her. "- my apologies. I had not meant to be so - callous."

Aquila stopped shaking. "Thanks," he said, "You're my lady, and I just want to show that I'm still loyal. I was afraid you hated me and that I couldn't - I couldn't - ". He resumed shaking.

"Wait, is that it?" Eremia whispered into Katerina's ear. "That anticlimatic?"

Katerina glared at her for a brief, unnerving instant, but went back to smiling. "Yep! All he needs now is a hug." And she went up and embraced Aquila, leaning on the bedframe to do so. Eremia, cautious and awkward, followed, hugging him from the other side of the bed.

Laughing briefly, Aquila said, "I guess I was kinda jealous, because you were with her, and, whatever you were doing, I thought that I was less helpful than a foreigner, and that hurt."

"I'm not a foreigner," replied Katerina, eyes narrowing. Her voice was still soft. "The Confederacy isn't really that big, you know. Sure, maybe I’m not close enough to Exedor, but it’s not a big world. Also – excuse the segue - I've been meaning to ask a question."

"Hmm?"

"Every time I hear your name I think you're the King of the Eagles, because that's also his name. What's the deal with that?"

Aquila stuck out his head a little more as Katerina and Eremia both let go and went back to standing in front of him. "Sort of a respect thing? If it helps, I'm generally called Aquila the Lesser."

"Called it," whispered Katerina happily into Eremia's ear.

A voice, deep and low, came from behind them.

"Good day. It is nice to see you awake and well, Eremia. I was sent here to see that the sheets were still in place."

Eremia wheeled around to find Yorew. She felt the blood rush to her head as she saw him look between her and Aquila. When she began to lean, Katerina quickly propped her up with a shoulder. "Interested in Madeleine’s work, are you?" Eremia said when she had her coherency and a distracting subject.

"Healing is a very old profession of mine," explained Yorew, a tad too hastily, "And there are hardly enough healers here."

"You have been a constant presence in my childhood," said Eremia, smiling beatifically. "That you should suddenly disappear for longer than I can remember in so many years is particularly suspect, especially because you like to dote on me whenever I am ill. I did not think that it would take you this long for you to find someone you fancy."

"It is not - ah, it is not what it seems. The injury was rather large, and so Made- they did not heal it perfectly. I have had some issues in these past days, and they did not want me to upset you by acting so frail. Romance is hardly a thing on either of our minds."

Sighing, Eremia shook her head. “You are dreadful at lying, you know; I hope that you did not take lessons from Jonah.” She watched him as he bent over to rearrange the sheets, moving patiently and silently. He was not going to respond, and that was final.

Aquila yawned and stretched. “I think I’d like to go outside now.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me,” said Katerina, stepping away as Yorew smoothed the sheet next to her feet. She nudged Eremia. “Might as well see if we can find your handsome man again, am I right?”

Eremia blushed as they stepped away from the tent. For a second, in a passing glance, she thought she could catch Yorew smiling out of the corner of his mouth.

Katerina shook her head. “Nah, I know he’s wonderful, but word is that he’s only interested in Terasu. Old friends, always been together, a shoulder for her to lean on, all that. Has anyone heard from her lately? She’s so quiet these days.”


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Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:56 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, TheSilverFox! I hope my review can do your work justice.

Grammar and Syntax

No problems here, so I'll move onto the other parts.

Characters

So! There's a lot to talk about here today, seeing that chapter mainly focuses on the characters and not the events involving them. Aquila and Eremia's awkward budding friendship is adorable; both seemed incredibly confused on how they're supposed to act around the other. I'm not sure if you're planning for them to be in a relationship someday or not, but I'm fine with either that or them being friends. They definitely have the chemistry for either one.

Then there's Yorew - after that chapter a little while ago, he's piqued my interest. It was entertaining to see Eremia pick up on his lie, and a great way to reinforce how smart of a protagonist she is. I'm curious to see if there will be any more development on his part.

This isn't a specific comment about something you wrote in this section, but more of the past few chapters? I feel like Eremia could be worrying a little bit more about Jonah. I know that's why she's working with this group, but she hasn't thought much about her brother. It would be more realistic if she thought of him more. It doesn't have to be anything major - maybe just the occasional mention of something reminding her of him? Even though they have their arguments, they're still close. You don't want the reader to forget that.

Plot

I know I said this in the previous review, but this chapter was like a breath of fresh air. The other ones have felt so tense with the threat of, well, everything, and having a simple set of conversations was a good break for the reader. There's more intrigue with Yorew, but it's mainly a chapter where characters get to bond. And that's always a good thing.

I really enjoyed reading your work. While there may have been a few rough spots, it's overall a wonderful piece of writing. If you feel like some parts of my review need further explanation or just aren't good enough, please let me know. I'd gladly clear up anything about this review.

Keep up the great work (which I doubt you'll have trouble with) and good luck on your writing endeavors!




TheSilverFox says...


Yep there's going to be a lot of chapters like this from here on out, I won't lie. Also, very good point about Jonah - the sibling relationship is crucial to the story, yet I dropped the ball until close to where I'm writing now. I'll insert that into the story in the future and in edits. I'm happy you like the character development, whether in friendships or intelligence - thanks for the review!



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Wed Mar 28, 2018 12:52 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Did I miss a part somewhere between my last review and this one? I thought I had reviewed 15.2, but maybe I reviewed 15.1. I'm just confused because I thought I read that Aquila was walking alongside/in front of their wagon in the last bit I read, but now he's injured. So I don't know if I misunderstood his place in that chapter or if I actually read 15.1 and he got injured in the middle.

I'm having some trouble getting my head around these characters. Like I guess it's just they seemed much more serious to me in the last bit I read? But now, even though they're in more or less a hospital setting, Katerina's like goofy and there's awkwardness from Eremia with both Aquila and Yorew. The hug with Aquila threw me off. Also his shaking from Eremia staring at him.

I mean, to be fair, I haven't read much of this - just that last section I reviewed and now this section, but I know you like to know anyone's thoughts on this, so those are mine. I feel like the characters are inconsistent, I guess.

This review courtesy of
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TheSilverFox says...


Hrm, it doesn't look like you reviewed 15.1 or 15.2? That scene strikes me as coming from an older chapter, but I can't remember which one (stupid sick brain). Also, you're 100% right about character inconsistency. I tend to create characters, form them a little bit, and throw them into the story so they develop further. So yeah, my characters aren't that fleshed out at the start. It's something I'll have to focus on when editing. Thanks for the review!



BluesClues says...


??? Oh man, maybe it was chapter 13 or something. But I swear every chapter I see you post is chapter 15.something (even though I know that can't be true), so maybe it just stuck in my brain.



TheSilverFox says...


haha what if all the chapters were chapter 15.something, that would be terrible. XD

(and yep, it looks like you reviewed chapter 13.1)



BluesClues says...


Geez, no wonder I'm so confused. I seriously have the worst memory.



TheSilverFox says...


It's fine! I've been sick the past few days, so my memory's also not that good. XD



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Tue Mar 27, 2018 4:50 pm
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trulyness wrote a review...



Okay, so I went to the Green Room and saw this piece had no comments so that's why I read it. But since I haven't read the book from the start, I don't think my review would be much helpful. But if it helps in any way, please let me know.

First of all, kudos. This is a fantasy novel and it's something I usually don't read. However, you managed to make read the entire thing despite my inhibitions.

Second, I love your writing style. Of course, it would have been better if I would have known the characters or the setting but I can't comment much on that since I haven't read it from the beginning. However, I can still tell that you would have probably done a great job in building the characters and the setting.

This seems like a filler chapter to me. There wasn't much happening, I believe, but probably something important is gonna happen in the next chapter.

I felt the ending was too . . . dull or abrupt. It didn't seem like an ending note to me. So that is something you can work upon.

There are a few grammatical errors (though not many) and those can be removed easily once you go through this chapter.

Overall, it seems like an interesting plot to me. I liked how you painted the picture on the canvas. The pace seems fine to me. Best of luck! :)




TheSilverFox says...


Ehhh I accept most/all reviews, so no harm there. And thanks! It's definitely a quiet chapter, since it mainly works to end one small arc and develop another. As for the ending, I agree that it doesn't feel final - I may draw it out or change the wording a bit. I'm happy that you like the writing style, characters, and setting; thanks for the review!




I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara