YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
WE'LL BE TOGETHER IN A WEEK!!!
WELCOME TO THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a look through the online
Article on the Archaeology Magazine
And I was so impressed by the
Sheer scale of the methodology
That I somehow understand like
Radiocarbon dating and isotopes
And the ones that I don't -- like DNA
Analysis and Bone structures.
And every other paragraph, with
"Et al", there was your name first.
Every graph, every on-site picture --
I could see you write proudly and
Still stubbornly, self-sabotagingly sad.
Perhaps the bureaucrats or your peers
Won't read the sadness in those dry
Words of academic lingo -- but I do.
This is The Marvel of Mankind, you're
An ocean away in space and a day
Ahead in time -- yet you are right here.
I can see your heart in your letters,
I can read your pain in your dryness,
I can feel your craze in your serenity,
I can kiss your lips with my taps and clicks --
No matter what you feign and stage in mist.
Even in madness and wretched insanity,
We'll be Fors and Xio, fighting calamity,
In our own ways, to transcend humanity --
And become Angels with unashamed vanity.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,004 Literary Works • 672,396 Reviews
Hey Rebel, Alex is back to review your series! I'm hoping to actually finish this series today, so that I have my hands free for some other works on the Review Day. Hope you don't mind, let's get right into it ~
Lol love the enthusiasm, this is so effortlessly Jasmine! =)
Feel free to keep this version but I thought of another way you could put it so as to maintain more structure-
'YAYYY, WE'LL BE TOGETHER IN A WEEK!!!
WELCOME TO THE INTERNET, MY BABY!!'
It's barely different but I think binds it with the rest of the poetry better. Totally upto you though! Given the barely noticeable change, I'd recommend it but not urge it.
The stanza about Jasmine reading the archaeology magazine was pretty neat storytelling, and I like how simply you remind us that Jasmine's speciality is astrophysics, so her struggle with biology seems fairly justified. As a poet who narrates stories through his poems much too often, I know firsthand how challenging it can be at times, so bravo!
Such a beautiful way to put the tiny detail! It shows that even in a crowd, it's only her love that Jasmine sees. All while sticking to logical that as Lavender led the team, it's natural for her name to be printed first. I do think the line shall say the same still, even if she was just working on the project in a diminished capacity and her name was printed last- such is their love!
Now that Jasmine says this, I don't think Lavender's decision to come back home was all that sudden. You can sense she was already fidgeting, having been away from Jasmine for so long. She was hardly enjoying her commendable feat of founding a lost tomb, and that homesickness was seeping into her work. Poor Lavender though, it must've been beyond her. I think the stubbornness refers to keep missing Jasmine and home, instead of Jasmine's multiple requests to try to be in the moment. I believe this puts the Jasmine's selfish ask a little more in perspective, as her constant vents about missing them must be making it difficult for Jasmine to stay strong as well. Definitely a more complex arc to our rather simple leads, I'm digging it!
Again an undeniable proof of the understanding they have for each other and the love they share. I love such sappy romantic bits, keep them coming!
Incredibly well put again! I'm rather impressed how precisely you describe the distance between them using the difference in time zone and seasons, using imagery to get across something so literal. Add the miracle of Internet and how it ties them is also amazing, these couplet poems actually cleared up one of my previous doubts if these were actually letters that they wrote each other. But I should've figured they're a little too modern for it, the idea just sounded too poetic to turn down XD
I'm usually not for expressing romance over the phone, but the genuinity here melts my heart <3
Had to search them up, but sick reference!
The ending totally delivers, and seems fitting. Just as Jasmine has gotten to know about Lavender's return, she's painting these epic descriptions of what they get to as one, and it's very gratifying to witness as a reader.
I actually liked this poem, in the sense that it stood out to me. It betrays rhymes for the most part, unlike the other poems in the series. But given it's Jasmine- the more free verse companion, it doesn't break too many expectations. Personally, I found it symbolic even. As Jasmine spots Lavender's general unhappiness and urges her to be more vulnerable, she abandons the constraint and performance of rhymes to speak more openly herself. I think that's the thing with characters- our small choices can shape themselves into concious decisions made by our characters that dictate their personalities. Some might find the meter lacking, but I think message and tone purposeful enough to overlook that. Well, that's all I have for now. Had a great time reading, until next time ~
Love, Alex
...Are you sure those first 3 lines are poetry? XD I am the first to admit that I don't get the artform but this feels style-breaking...
Awww <3The second paragraph/proper stanza feels much better to me. I like how you show that Jasmine did indeed read the thing and is now throwing around the big words she read there (and probably vaguely knew before from just being Lavender's gf). I also like how it gives a clue on what exactly Lavender's been working on.
Oha interesting that Jasmine realises Lavender's been sad throughout. Is it bc she misses her gf or is there something deeper going on? Maybe some mental health issues? I feel like...not having your partner around can be a bummer but is it enough to be so sad that it reaches into your academic writing?
That said, I like that the Marvel of Mankind research is coming from the archeologist :3
Continuing the replies to the reviews!
Hehe, the first three lines are just Jasmine being really happy lol, and since poetry is an expression of the self, I am pretty sure it counts XD
About sadness in writing, I am not sure myself as I haven't really done research but I have read different research papers on different subjects and the different 'moods' in different parts of writing often stick out, to me at least. I guess Jasmine thinks the same?