Girl, you tried your best
To articulate yourself with
Hyperboles and myths and
similes in crates of rhyme-packed
Zest and beats -- but love...
It's Liberty you're talking about!
It hits with grit and sits
On your face to deface
In case -- well, always --
Tyrants resurface to pace
The halls where crawls
The destitute multitude...
To remind you that just a few
Can hew pews to stew the spew
Of the dimwits who let
Apathy be the decree that
Rules the fools like cruel mules.
Liberty is not 'romantic' --
It is frantic, enchanting
The panting and haunting
The daunting to preserve
And serve one and all --
While still remembering
To be free themselves.
Thus, my love: let it be known, let it be heard,
The word on the streets is not to be curred
Into shallow structures that seduce surds --
But a rope on the shepherds of the herds,
To keep green pastures free of rotten turds.
And only those who can keep the rope loose
While remembering the reason for the curbs,
They know the true price of the golden goose
And follow The Lady Who Carries A Torch.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey Rebel, Alex is back from his temporary hiatus! My written exams are done and I need a break before the practicals anyways. Let's dive into the review now ~
I'm kind of torn between this part being harmonious or too wordy. It works, but I think there might be a smoother way to go about it.
Darn it, I was so close with my guess being hope!! But I'm confused as to why Jasmine would add a 'but' to this, without any relevant explanation. I think it goes along the idea of- you tried to distract with such big metaphors but alas you failed and thus I know what it is. Just needs a bit more clarity, is all.
These lines work fantastically... but only individually! I feel the emphasis or syllable weight is too much to drift into the next line with effortless ease. The first is preferably better, so if I were you, I'd modify the second line to more complement the first with being rather simple itself, or you could add a more flowy between the two that now exist.
Okay so I get what you're trying to do here, the homophones are definitely intentional. Unfortunately, I don't see them working for me. It could hold true for Lavender's character more restricted style of writing but doesn't really capture Jasmine's way, in my opinion. Feels a little too forced to with rhymes, rather than organising them better- that is a little more like like Jasmine though. I just wish she'd not care about it altogether and get the best words to us, without worrying if they really rhyme.
I love the philosophical ideology here. One must remember to not sacrifice one's own freedom just to free others, as it does no good if we're unable to continue doing noble deeds. It's rich and deep, and requires a decent amount of effort to interpret, in a way that feels quite rewarding. A treat indeed!
A perfectly acceptable end, and referencing the title was a nice idea. Overall, I loved what the poem was trying to say. Freedom, isn't all rainbows and roses as it seems, and has a cost. One must be aware of it's need yet not kill himself on that knife, in order to get by the turns of life. Liberty is dreamy, but also flawed and difficult. How you're saying it? I'm confident that you could do better.
Had a great time reading this, hope to continue with the series very soon.
Love,
Alex
Continuing the replies --
Personally, I intended this poem to be more of a rap verse (notice that there aren't many punctuations at the ends) with the final line in the antepenultimate stanza being like a high in the song and the final couple of stanzas being a sort-of singy-songy bit.
I do think most of the 'stringent' and 'vague' bits disappear once you consider this a rap verse in general, I did work a lot to make this sound like something family-friendly Eminem would say.
Once again, thanks a lot for your review!
Yours sincerely,
The Rebel
Ah so I was wrong last poem.
I guess this is a much more positive interpretation, all things considered (curse, Digimon brain! XD)
But also, it’s a much much higher concept too.
Yes, continue to educate me, Jasmine :3
Tho not sure why… Liberty sits on your face.
Alright I’m not really digging this poem by Jasmine (and it’s not just bc I was wrong I swear) I just didn’t find her long stanza that compelling ^^
(Also Golden Goose! I heard of that before!)
Also I am curious. Is the lady who carries the torch a symbol I don’t know? But whatever it means, I like that you managed to mention the poem’s title!
Damn, seems like you reviewed a lot of these in a batch lol.
Also, yes, it is a positive interpretation... and don't ask me why Liberty sits on your face, it's probably a juxtaposition of bawdy humour and a sense of breathlessness. And, uh, the Lady Who Carries A Torch is a reference to the Statue of Liberty, I thought that's the most obvious reference but I guess not lol
Thanks, once again! :p
Well then I was wrong to delete my reference to Nine =D
Well, I mean, it%u2019s not really related but you should have kept that in lol
Everything goes back to Nine =D
Oh the irony
EYES
(Talking about descriptions and my perceived meaning of the work)
The descriptions. Are. Amazing. This work paints a thousand different images, each vivid and beautiful. You illustrated liberty with vivid colors (in truth wonderful words). I can't choose an example here because everything's too brilliant.. (Yes I like alliteration.)
A painting of liberty! I'm a bit tired now so I can't really come up with a good interpretation, sorry.
(With 'painting', I mean that you describe it well enough to generate an image in the theater of the mind.)
EARS
(Looking at dissonants, because nothing is ever truly a mistake and I shall thus call 'mistakes' dissonants because dissonants make something sound wrong and mistakes are art)
There are no mistakes as far as I noticed.
HEART
(Saying something nice! And giving fun reminders!)
This is a handsome (I know handsome is for people but the dictionary says that handsome means beautiful in a strong way and that is how I feel about this work) painting overall and it would be a shame not to hang it in a museum. Please tell me you'll print it out and hang it above your bed so that it can seep into your dreams (then again, you probably have other wonderful works to hang there, so you can ignore this).
I can't choose a favorite line here because they're all magnificent.
My reminder for you: go to someone else's wall and say something nice, because being kind is cool (and don't worry I'm not saying that you don't do that normally. I just come up with these kind of reminders from now on whenever I make a review so that I can hopefully spread kindness.)
- A big fan of this poem,
Darlet
Thanks for the review, Darlet! I am glad that you loved it! :p
Honestly, I love how you took a conversation about love and just flipped it on its head to talk about liberty instead. That whole idea of freedom being frantic rather than romantic is extremely amazing because it makes it feel so much more real and urgent.The rhymes like grit and deface are straight up beautiful and really drive home how much work it is to stay free. I also thought the bit about keeping the rope loose was a delicious way to handle the idea of trust and control. Ending with the Lady who carries a torch is outstanding and such a strong image to leave us with! Even the line about the rotten turds is truly amazing because it keeps the whole vibe feeling raw and human. Anyways I LOVE ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Thanks for the review, Nataleeen! I am glad that you loved the poem! :p