Hey, here's my review.
I'm writing this while we're talking. First off, I love how the scenes individually are full and created in their own space. I can get a sense from each one what is going on, and the setting of each motion and what happens in each one. I really like that. You have a very smooth voice, and that makes these easier to read. I also like how short the paragraphs look because of them being paragraphs.
I do think that you're actually getting a little long winded in some sections with extra words because of the style. You need to make sure that you only have what is absolutely necessary for the poem, exactly what is driving towards the end, but I think you build nicely from place to place. I think the real point of this is the way the war is nothing to the person at the end, and yet, someone did all of these things to create the chaos.
Overall, I love the perspective in this poem, but I think I'd like to see more of the interactions between the people than we actually see in the poem. I want to feel the poem, feel the anger they're feeling, or at the very least, see it. Engage my senses, my sense of taste, my sense of smell, and develop these things in the poem so that when it comes down to the end, I'm so wrapped up in what's going on above it, that I'm astounded by the cause.
I'd like to see that out of this poem, I'd like to have it at that next level up, and I think you can do it if you develop your skills of clarity and emotion by trying to evoke feelings through describing them with metaphor and symbolism. Really get into what you want to say, and say it. Don't be afraid to call people out. Don't be afraid to make it fantasy, or reality. Writing is about taking chances and getting your hands dirty, so dirty your hands! It's not about being politically correct. It's about getting it out.
I'm sure we'll talk about it more later.
Points: 1883
Reviews: 806
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