The girl was his goddess a long time ago—
a sunlight brightening his mornings,
a fresh and cool air letting him to breath,
a pair of hands guiding him to the righteous path—
until they passed a road
branching into two tinier tracks—
one at their right and one at their left—
they stood there, unmoving and unspeaking.
She whispered, “It is time for us
to abandon our cave of love
and embrace the narrow world,
leaving our fragile bed of passion.”
She nodded at the end of the right road,
displaying glimpses of golds and diamonds
showering from the sky—its land had
monotonous laughters
of people with blank eyes.
Tears cascaded from them—
he felt sharp needles of hot air—
and shiny sweats moistening their faces.
He shook his head and
grabbed her chained hands.
“Let us venture onto the left road,”
he begged—once and for all.
“The people might have severe scars,
and broken bones, but
they have loving lights soothing their souls,
And infinite smiles on their faces.”
She gazed at him with withering eyes
and tears in their brinks.
“You are my Ares, and I your Aphrodite—
Fate does not bring us together
because my hands”—
he felt an earthquake on them—
“are bound to other’s.”
Despite the calamity on her skin,
her words were edged glaciers—
too fomidable for him to break—freezing
the chains hurting her hands
and his heart—
his hopes stopped flowing.
“All is fair in love and war,”
he whispered to her the words she spoke
when their hearts first touched each other—
now they were thin air—now
they were invisible—
“You are my Aphrodite no more.”
The girl was his lover a long time ago—
a sunlight scorching those who threatened their love,
a misty and poisonous air ensuring them to die,
a pair of hands seducing him to the perilous path.
A/N: Ares and Venus are Greek versions of Mars and Venus. This poem was submitted for a poetry competition, and I messed that up by putting Mars and Aphrodite. I recommend you to Wiki Aphrodite if you lose the reference.
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Hi there Lightsong! Niteowl here to review as requested.
I feel like this part is pretty wordy. I've also noticed that there's a lot of alliteration ("two tinier tracks", "unmoving and unspeaking", "glimpses of gold". Alliteration can be a useful poetic tool, but it can also get to be too much.
I would simplify the first line, maybe "where gold and diamonds rained from the sky".
This stanza is kind of weird. It's unclear who's crying and I'm not sure it's actually needed.
Wait what? It's unclear why her hands are chained.
This is also kind of weird phrasing. I say keep the first line, dump the second.
I'm not sure how I feel about the Aphrodite/Ares comparison. Aphrodite wasn't particularly concerned about being faithful, so the concern about being bound to others doesn't make sense. Source.
I'm not sure what this line is supposed to mean.
This section feels unnecessarily wordy. Honestly, I would only keep the last line. I also think it might be a good place to end the poem.
I agree that you use too many dashes. Most of these would be better off as simple periods.
Overall, this is an interesting story, but the wording could be improved and trimmed. Keep writing!
Hi, Light. If this was submitted for a competition, are you allowed to post it here?
Anyways, a review.
I"ll start with the title which was perfect for the poem, I thought. It conveys the theme and attracts attention,too. The theme of the poem is actually a common one but using the metaphors of Mars and Venus is what made it really different and interesting. Well done with that.
The lines of the poem were good. But, at some points, you used too many words. And some words even felt like "taking too much time to read". Those were long, big words. Again, some words just felt like hard rocks in my mouth. I didn't feel good to read them. Please reconsider the words that you are using. And, also, you used too much "-". DOn't use them this much.
That's all I can give now.
Hey, thanks for the review! I posted this after the round in which this was submitted ended, so it was allowed.
You are welcome.
Good thing that the rounded ended.
And, actually, I intended to point out the words which didn't feel so good to read. But, I had to hurry cus an emergency came up. So, sorry couldn't point them out.
Haha, it's okay, really.
Is the "Haha " for a laughter? Or are you calling me that?
This is so beautiful... *Sniffles and starts to cry*
Nice job! I like this poem; you use sensory details very well. I especially like the details about how one road goes to the left and the other to the right and also the details about the metaphorical paths of each. I would like to hear more about who her hands are bound to, but I guess that you left that open purposefully. I also think that it goes on a little too long, with a couple of unnecessary details, like I think you could shorten the conversation between the boy and the girl a little. The eighth stanza could be shortened quite a bit as well, or even deleted. Overall, though, I think you did a nice job with this poem!
Ah, thanks for the review! If you're familiar with Aphrodite's lore, she was married to Hephaestus, but loved other gods, Ares included. This poem was basically the forbidden love the girl had with the guy, referenced as being similar with Aphrodite and Ares.