Sitting at the bus stop,
I know
the sun will not come out,
the rain will not fall down,
and
this gray cloud will not leave.
Something
that is perched on my shoulder ceases.
My skin threats to freeze its legs.
Under this shade of darkness,
I smile.
Loneliness is like a break
from busy road and chains.
It soothes me like cool air,
reminding me that it is okay
to let my skin be accustomed
to the chilly weather.
Sometimes the best enjoyment
does not require
another companion.
I lock myself inside my house, then.
Sit at the corner of the living room.
My knees folded,
my head face-down on it.
There is no rest, actually.
Not in my mind where the gears
are always working
- trains that will always slither,
moving to nowhere, but always
circulating around him.
Knock knock.
A jolt of electricity
stuns my running thoughts.
doopdupdoopdup
I open the door
and smile. The creature perches
on my shoulder again, knowing
it will be warm with light.
And it brings with it
an angel.
‘I’m late,’ he says with
a British accent.
A smile and a frown replaces
the unspoken apology.
‘I am so not going to use a bus anymore.
Hold out your hand, palm open, please.’
I do as he says
and
he puts something
in my hands.
He might see them
as two movie tickets
but I see them
as
two halves of a heart.
Hopefully, my time with him
is a hand reaching
to stitch the parts together
that will last hundreds of years.
‘Take my hand,’ he says
and
my eyes widened.
He whispered to me.
‘I will never let you go, so
don't lose hope on me.
Tears threatened
to render me vulnerable.
I think…
I think
he sees them
through my eyes.
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140,262 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Hey SirLight, here for a Review Day review,
First Impressions:Great free-style piece with some powerful images and painting with words going on.
Positives:
I really like this stanza. Giving loneliness a description like cool and chilly is brilliant, and flows well with the idea of being, well, alone. But at the same time, you've spoken of getting used to it, and that's what we humans do in those types of situations.
The classic old switching of the viewpoint trick never fails! Still good, because it's bending reality a bit and helps the reader to get a little bit more out of it.
Negatives:
Might just be personal, but I don't really like how "circulating" fits in here. It feels a bit...awkward. Circling could do fine, though.
One thing I didn't much care for is the formatting. I know it's freestyle, but there really isn't a style, it's just all kind of thrown around all over the place. There's no structure, and no definite flow, and with a poem that's not long, but isn't short, that flow can be crucial, otherwise you lose your reader, and the meaning of it all loses them. Something to think about.
Overall:I think it's great, and quite enjoyed it!
I give it:
Thanks for the review! May I ask how you put the stars in there?
I just uploaded an image that's the right dimension to Google and then BBCoded them in.
And I have a PM draft that has the code for my review's base, so I don't have to type everything over and over and over
Ah, interesting! Keep up the good job.
Hi. This is kman134. i'm here to review.
So far, this was a pretty good poem.
the way it was written seems to symbolize the depressing, cynical atmosphere reflecting our modern world. However, in the world, there is always a glimmer of hope in the form of a beacon of light to guide one in their darkest hours. It's like the movie "Suicide Shop" where because of the weather, everyone has become depressed and frequently commits suicide until the end of the movie when the weather finally changes thanks to the help of the first happy child in the world.
"Something
that is perched on my shoulder ceases.
My skin threats to freeze its legs."
The second stanza barely made any sense. how can skin have legs? Also, the beginning of it seemed vague and unusual, like it should be worked on more.
the third stanza was okay, but the fourth stanza seemed to have derailed from its' predecessor.
"I open the door
and smile. The creature perches
on my shoulder again, knowing
it will be warm with light.
And it brings with it
an angel."
So, the character fights his inner demons. he tries to outsmart the monster that dwells within and listen to the angel on the other shoulder. The poem started off good, deep, and relatable to all who go through the darkest paths of life. however, this started to sound more like a novel near the end.
Anyways, keep working on your poems. i give this one a 6/10 because it needs some more work.
It seems like readers are confused with the second stanza. Would it help if I rephrase it to: "Something / that has perched on my shoulder ceases; / my skin has threatened to freeze its legs."? It would help to differentiate the skin and the thing, would it?
There is no inner demon in the poem. Perhaps I am too subtle. The 'thing' is Hope, and when it's gone, it means the persona loses Hope; it returns when He, the person the persona is waiting for, finally arrives. The 'angel' is to describe how He is someone the persona likes, likely to bring happiness to the persona.
okay. now it's clear to me. thanks!
You're welcome.
Hey SirLight! I don't think I've reviewed any of your poems, but I have read a few! I hope you find my review helpful~!
I really liked the first stanza, so we don't need to talk about that one xD.
The second stanza didn't make much sense to me. I don't see how skin has legs and I don't even know where to start with the second line. Overall, I didn't get this stanza.
Third stanza was good too. The fourth stanza didn't seem to go along with the other. It had me saying, "okay?" It's sort of like, "good to know, now what?" what else. I don't see how it connects and it seemed a bit random.
Okay so now we know the creature was the devil from the narrator's conscious. I didn't really get this poem. I didn't get the meaning behind it besides some odd story. It started off really good but it just didn't do much for me. It's more of a story telling poem, than an emotional poem, I noticed.
marmalade
/sigh
It's a reference.
http://m.sparknotes.com/poetry/dickinson/section2.rhtml
I even hinted on it through the title.
Oh okay. I guess not everyone will get that it's a reference and it's not like you said it was a reference anywhere.
I don't even know why you think a winged hope is a devil.
But whatever. Thanks for the review.