Like any other day,
he abandoned the bucket
filled with things needed washing
and went to his room,
ignoring his mother’s words
to put it at its place.
He escaped the world
of unchanging
he experienced at day
and delved into the world
of limitless possibilities
behind the glowing screen.
Here he chatted with others;
loneliness ceased
like evaporated water,
not unlike hours before
when he was at the shop
with his brother,
whose attention was stolen
by smart phone and friends,
a inverted version
from the one he was fond of
when they were kids.
He could be himself at midnight.
Shirtless he was,
showing each imperfection
on his thinning body, knowing
it did not matter when
others could not see.
He preferred the coldness
Than hotness of the day.
His eyes were a pair
of sunglasses, but that
was the price
for this freedom—
as temporary as it was.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
This is Yams here to review!
I'm almost 99% certain that having the period at the end of each stanza is a stylistic choice. My question is, why did you choose to do that and have long unending lines rather than having short and long lines? Semicolons are used to connect two sentences, but that's not what you're doing here because you haven't ended them. At least, that's my thoughts on it.
Here in this stanza it took me a while to understand of all what it meant because of your wording. It feels very vague in what it's trying to say and is confusing at first. Specifically the part that threw me off the most for a tiny bit is "to put it at its place". This might/probably won't be a problem you have with other readers.
The wording of this line is awkward, I think you should make "unlike" to "like" so it's "not like hours before".
I like this line.
I liked the idea in the poem that the sun was trapping and toxic along with the sunglasses metaphor.
Overall, did I like it? It was alright. There were a few lines/parts in there that I liked.
My main problems: The wording felt very off to me for some reason. The punctuation felt weird and made the lines feel a bit like a marathon for your mouth if you read it aloud, in stanza two you had no punctuation except for that one period at the end, sometimes the descriptions felt a little bit dry, and in stanza four you mess up what's thought to be the rules of the poem with a period in it.
That's all.
Thanks for the review! I'm happy you reviewed it extensively; in that case, I'm obliged to reply in the same manner.
I'm quite confused here. The reason I put a period is because it's the end of a sentence, and I'm pretty sure from each first capital letter to the period is a sentence.
I'm also confused about the semicolon part. I'm certain it's used to connect two independent clauses, and that was what I did--the sentences in the second stanza, although differ greatly in terms of length, were indeed two independent clauses, so I thought a semicolon fit there.
I agree with this. Truth be told, there were parts I'd cut off to avoid the poem being too prosaic, and I thought giving less would make the interpretation wider. I guess it doesn't work out. Hmm.
Agree too. I think it's wrong wording all the way. I'm aiming for the 'not like', of course, so making it 'not unlike' is against what I'm aiming.
Thank you! I'll take as much compliment as I can get.
What I meant by you having the period as a stylistic choice instead of not having more meant you had a lack of periods throughout the poem and only had them at the end of stanzas which is why I thought that.
About the semicolons? I'm pretty sure a sentence is supposed to end with some sort of punctuation after you use one. Your thing with independent clauses was alright, you were right with that.
Oh, I missed this.
Oh, I guess there's a misunderstanding that I need to clear. The only reason I put a period at the end of most stanzas (excluding stanza 4) is because there's no need to. Each line is short, and therefore even a sentence can be broken into three and more lines, which I think are enough to make up a stanza. Of course, not all my poems are like this.
I don't agree with semicolons connecting sentences, and this is due to a sentence not necessarily being an independent clause, which is what qualifies the use of semicolon.
alright, we're good now xD
This is absolutely beautiful! I love how you personify the words to make the emotions of the message more noticeable, and I love the way you also described the place and moment in which it takes place. There aren't too many punctuation and grammar errors, but since it's a poem, they don't really make much of a difference. I tried to write a poem piece like that, and I have to say you did great! Other than that, I absolutely love it!
~Ruby