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‚Äčthe fly came and left broken

by Lightsong


when i met you
my nose caught
the cologne
like lavender
soothing my soul

when our eyes
met each other
i saw in them
a reflection
of honesty
and desire

when you spoke
the tenor of
your coarse voice
vibrated
my sanity

when your lips
gently touched mine
it felt like
surrendering
to high heaven

oh damn i
fell too deep
into this
dreamy lie

your lips burned
like hell fire
it felt like
surrendering
to scars of pain

your bleeding voice
reminded me
to the war
of deaths and shouts
shaking my
sanity

your eyes were void
of reflections
they only showed me
sheer greed and
deception

when i left you
i smelled poison
like free acid
ripping my soul

it was too late
but i escaped
from this lovely
deception


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479 Reviews


Points: 4157
Reviews: 479

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Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:50 pm
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there, Lightsong! I remembered! XP

I liked the atmosphere that you've created in this.

oh damn i
fell too deep
into this
dreamy lie


Aside from the "oh damn" (because I don't really feel that adds anything to this), I really liked this stanza! I'm not sure why I like it, I just do.

One thing I noticed in this, was every once in awhile you'd use the same word, and how you said something, as you did previously in the poem. I'm pretty sure it was done on purpose, but I don't think it did what you wanted it to do. By that I mean I didn't really attribute it as something that bought me back to that same line, but rather I saw the use of the same word and my brain said I'd seen that word before, but it didn't feel like it was on purpose and it didn't seem to flow nicely until I went back and read it and found out what you were doing. That could just be me though. And I'm doing a terrible job explaining it... An example is your use of "it felt like surrendering".


when our eyes
met each other
i saw in them
a reflection
of honesty
and desire


The bolded bits I feel you don't really need- they just add bulk. Without those extra words it just flows better I think. And yet, I see that maybe you did that to make the lines match better, but I think it's more important for it to be free of un-needed words. That's just my thoughts anyway.

Anyway, this was very easy to read! Keep it up!!! ^_^

-Socks




Lightsong says...


Like niteowl below said, they're mirrored descriptions. It's when everything that you think is wonderful changes to something not so when you realize it's all an illusion of someone falling in love. :)



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Reviews: 1210

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Mon Mar 28, 2016 9:36 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Lightsong! Niteowl here to review this lovely poem!

Overall, I like the mood of this. The mirrored descriptions work well, and there's a lot of cool imagery.

when our eyes
met each other
i saw in them
a reflection
of honesty
and desire


Okay, so the first stanza hooked me, but this felt...kind of flat. The super-expressive eyes thing just feels so overdone. I'm not sure how to make it better, though.

when you spoke
the tenor of
your coarse voice
vibrated
my sanity


This is really cool, but I feel like a word is missing after "vibrated". Maybe "against"?

your lips burned
like hell fire
it felt like
surrendering
to scars of pain


Something about this stanza seems off to me. I like the idea, but the wording of the last few lines seems strange. I wonder if matching the wording exactly in the stanzas isn't the best ideas. Maybe you could reword it to something like "and I surrendered/to pain, to scars."

your bleeding voice
reminded me
to the war
of deaths and shouts
shaking my
sanity


Again, cool idea, but the wording could be better. It also suddenly brings in this idea of an outside war, which is kind of weird in what seems to be a poem about two people. Maybe you're trying to make a comparison to war? If so, I would reword as "your bleeding voice felt like war, like deaths and shouts shaking my sanity". Also, since you had "my sanity" on one line in the first verse, I think you should do the same here.

your eyes were void
of reflections
they only showed me
sheer greed and
deception


I like this one better than the first eyes stanza (though it's still a little on the cliche side), but the random rhyming of "reflections" and "deception" is throwing me since the rest of the piece is free verse. You could easily reword this to avoid that, though.

it was too late
but i escaped
from this lovely
deception


The first two lines directly contradict each other, so I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Also, I'm not crazy about repeating "deception" if you choose to keep it in the eyes stanza.

Overall, this is a cool use of mirroring imagery. Keep writing! :D





What's the point of being a grown-up if you can't be a bit childish sometimes?
— 4th Doctor