Young Writers Society

Hey there, Lightsong! I remembered! XP

I liked the atmosphere that you've created in this.

oh damn i
fell too deep
into this
dreamy lie

Aside from the "oh damn" (because I don't really feel that adds anything to this), I really liked this stanza! I'm not sure why I like it, I just do.

One thing I noticed in this, was every once in awhile you'd use the same word, and how you said something, as you did previously in the poem. I'm pretty sure it was done on purpose, but I don't think it did what you wanted it to do. By that I mean I didn't really attribute it as something that bought me back to that same line, but rather I saw the use of the same word and my brain said I'd seen that word before, but it didn't feel like it was on purpose and it didn't seem to flow nicely until I went back and read it and found out what you were doing. That could just be me though. And I'm doing a terrible job explaining it... An example is your use of "it felt like surrendering".

when our eyes
met each other
i saw in them
a reflection
of honesty
and desire

The bolded bits I feel you don't really need- they just add bulk. Without those extra words it just flows better I think. And yet, I see that maybe you did that to make the lines match better, but I think it's more important for it to be free of un-needed words. That's just my thoughts anyway.

Anyway, this was very easy to read! Keep it up!!! ^_^

-Socks

Hi there Lightsong! Niteowl here to review this lovely poem!

Overall, I like the mood of this. The mirrored descriptions work well, and there's a lot of cool imagery.

when our eyes
met each other
i saw in them
a reflection
of honesty
and desire

Okay, so the first stanza hooked me, but this felt...kind of flat. The super-expressive eyes thing just feels so overdone. I'm not sure how to make it better, though.

when you spoke
the tenor of
your coarse voice
vibrated
my sanity

This is really cool, but I feel like a word is missing after "vibrated". Maybe "against"?

your lips burned
like hell fire
it felt like
surrendering
to scars of pain

Something about this stanza seems off to me. I like the idea, but the wording of the last few lines seems strange. I wonder if matching the wording exactly in the stanzas isn't the best ideas. Maybe you could reword it to something like "and I surrendered/to pain, to scars."

your bleeding voice
reminded me
to the war
of deaths and shouts
shaking my
sanity

Again, cool idea, but the wording could be better. It also suddenly brings in this idea of an outside war, which is kind of weird in what seems to be a poem about two people. Maybe you're trying to make a comparison to war? If so, I would reword as "your bleeding voice felt like war, like deaths and shouts shaking my sanity". Also, since you had "my sanity" on one line in the first verse, I think you should do the same here.

your eyes were void
of reflections
they only showed me
sheer greed and
deception

I like this one better than the first eyes stanza (though it's still a little on the cliche side), but the random rhyming of "reflections" and "deception" is throwing me since the rest of the piece is free verse. You could easily reword this to avoid that, though.

it was too late
but i escaped
from this lovely
deception

The first two lines directly contradict each other, so I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Also, I'm not crazy about repeating "deception" if you choose to keep it in the eyes stanza.

Overall, this is a cool use of mirroring imagery. Keep writing!