it started with a myriad of colours—
you and i witnessed the rainbow.
your eyes sparkled—it mesmerized you.
i stared at it, wishing to be like it—
iridescent, appreciated.
it’s beautiful, isn’t it? you asked.
i nodded absently—
at that time, my attention shifted at you—
your bare night eyes, your sun-kissed face,
and wider-than-the-sky smile.
finally, you looked at me and held out your hand—
my name’s michael, you?
i took your hand and gave it a slight shake—
my own confidence shaking inside.
my name is—
i never get to tell as someone bawled your name
and you frowned and you turned around.
you ran away from me to her,
a simpering girl who took your hand
and dragged you further and further from me.
and that was the beginning of our—
that was the beginning of nothing.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hello again, Lightsong! I'm here representing Team Potter for review day! GO POTTER, GO!
I think you should change "at" to "to." It would sound better.Anyway, let's take a look at your lovely poem here, shall we?
In the first stanza, I was going to suggest that you change "you and i" to "we," but it works better this way. "we" can be interpreted as more than two people, and as intimate as this poem is, it's important to keep the focus range down to two people.
By the way, that first stanza is da bomb. It's a great way to start out a poem. Put a rainbow in there, and the gold will come to the end of it.
In that second stanza, I like that you compare everything about Michael to the sky, or things in or about the sky. It is a nice way to continue the airy, shimmering theme you began with in the first stanza.
This part made me smile because I can relate so much to it. You want to make Morrigan freak out? Throw a beautiful person at her.
Oh, those last three stanzas are so heartbreaking. The same thing has happened to me. It's easy to relate to. However, I wish that you would have added in some of your beautiful imagery to the last three lines. Perhaps you could go back to the rainbow when he's leaving. When chasing rainbows, they always get further and further away, no matter how long you pursue them. I think that would be a nice way to relate it back to the beginning and the pretty scene you made.
Overall, I liked this. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing, and happy review day!
Wow,
How beautiful is this?! This makes you think about all those close chance encounters that could have turned into something amazing.
Just a few edits would make this a smoother read:
Opinion first: I don't know if it was intentional, but I think this poem would look better with some capitalization, of course that's just my opinion and not a necessity. Another opinion I have, I think it would be a stronger ending if the only dash ( - ) you had was at the end of the second to last line. you don't really need them any where else in this poem.
Other things: "i never get to tell as someone bawled your name" I think you meant to put got instead of get here.
"a simpering girl who took your hand" What does simpering mean?
" your bare night eyes, your sun-kissed face,
and wider-than-the-sky smile." This is absolutely my favorite line of your poem, and my favorite description of a person. Beautiful.
Thanks for the great read,
Rascalover
First of all, this is beautiful and heartbreaking, it pulls you in then hits you in the heart. secondly you have a few errors that i spotted. Even though you have included punctuation, you have not included any capital letters! Not even his name is capitalized. I could be wrong, and you might be using this as a technique to show how small and lonely you feel, but please, for the sake of us all, please capitalize his name if nothing else. With that aside, I'm going to nitpick if that's okay...In the second line you say "you and i witnessed the rainbow". Instead of saying the rainbow" as if there is only ever one rainbow in existence, I'd say "a rainbow" or specify where this rainbow is. Other than that everything else looks good. Keep up the good writing! Oh, and by the way, i love the use of dashes to separate the thoughts. It further shows that she is uncertain and wary which contributes to this story. Good luck with any other things you write!