Three costs to get to the higher education were—
First, a removal of the heart; a substitution made
by your parents (a force of logic that was too tight
for the empty space, but enough to shed tears of submission).
The power of decision was not yours.
Second, a torment of the body; a surrender
to the scorching sun—burned was your skin
when you set up the tent every afternoon;
for fifteen minutes, you drenched in sweat.
Selling beverages for twelve hours straight—
black holes around your eyes, your mouth a thin line.
Third, a lie to the soul; a thousand-bucks promise
was broken, when three hundreds were taken away;
your hope evaporated; confusions harassed your mind
like mosquitoes at the end of each month.
Your parents were your bosses; they decided your payment.
Three hundreds and sixty-five days were needed
to have enough money for your registration fee.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hi Lightsong!
Since there are three costs, I'll talk about each of them in turn. But first, let me just say that I enjoyed the precise imagery that you brought to this. Even though some of the images were probably not literal, they brought a nice, desperate mood to the piece.
The first cost is a good one. My mom really wanted me to go to college. My dad wanted to let me make my own decision. I ended up going, but I understand the pressure. As a nitpick, I don't think that "but" is the right conjunction to use within the parentheses.
The second cost lost me. I'm not sure to what literal thing you are referring to. Are you working the summer before going to school to try to stifle debt? I don't know if this feeling is universal enough to get across to readers who haven't experienced this. Personally, I've taken out a ton of loans. I don't need to work quite as hard during school, so this isn't really connected to me. I think a slightly more literal approach with your language might work more effectively here.
I don't know how all the money is a lie to the soul in the third cost? Basically, it's kind of confusing. Are you American? Am I not understanding this because I'm American? Because that could certainly happen. Three hundreds... are you talking about money still? Out of the thousand? What is the thousand-bucks promise? I need more information to understand the poem. I like the return of the parent theme there near the end, but I think that you should keep them all throughout the poem if you're going to use them there. I don't think they're present enough. Make them peek around the corner or something.
Anyway, I liked your imagery, and I think you'll have something really nice about the costs of higher education when you get everything clarified. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!
Hello. Tulip here to give you a review on your chapter.
As some one who is attending college, I can kinda relate to this so much more. I hate the fact the college is so expensive in both the fees to even get into the school and then the financial aid you receive or do not receive.
I do think that if you clear up this up a little bit it would help to read it beteer, and I will clarify what I mean. I think that if you use more lines instead of making it seem more of a paragraph in some thing that is supposed to be a poem. Either that or make it into a short story instead.
I'd go through and double check for grammar and spelling.
None of my suggestions, you don't have to take them but it is here of you want them. I know this review was short but I hope it helps.
~Tulip~