We have arrived
to a deserted area,
away from the sounds
(mocking laughter,
slandering whispers,
angry yells,
insulting words),
away from them
(frowning at us,
pushing us away
with a force intended
to isolate us).
'Fools, they are fools,
a couple of fools'
(the words
are miles away).
Here, the sounds
are therapy
(welcoming waves,
gentle breezes,
faint chirps);
they are poignant
(like warm hugs,
long kisses,
smooth touches).
The sky is a calm blue,
a perfect contrast
to the blood red madness
inflicted upon us
before we escaped.
We gaze at each other
and our own reflections
and we smile.
You cover us
with fragile yet
comfortable blanket
and wrap your arm
around me
(strong and secure).
We look at the sea;
we look beyond it
and hope that the sun
would no longer burn.
By then we would never think
we do not belong.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hey there, Lightsong!
I'm stopping through with a few thoughts for you to consider!
Firstly, I think you should consider changing "deserted area" to "deserted place" for the sake of rhythm. That's the only word that sticks out to me in the first four stanzas, where you otherwise accomplish a consistent rocking rhythm that works so well with the message of the poem -- the escape from torment.
Next, although the first three stanzas are fine, there's nothing I really connect with deeply. I move over the words quickly, rocking to them, and getting a general sense for the plot, but not deep images, and a lot of subtle emotion. This is great, except that when I do finally get an image, and it doesn't work for me, it sticks out. So that's why I wanted to talk about this:
Maybe no one else would think of it, but I know that the complementary / opposite color to blue is orange. Thus, I would feel that orange would be the perfect contrast to blue. That you wrote red instead jolts me out of the poem. In addition "blood red madness" seems too common to have the effect that you desire. I know you're trying to speak to something terrible, but so many poems have spoken of terrible things, that certain colors or words have become almost cliche. Can you think of a way to describe that terror that is new and sharp, that really makes us feel scared along with the narrators?
Next, the "you" that suddenly comes in the fifth stanza breaks me out of the rhythm again. I felt that there were "we", the narrators, and perhaps "they", the antagonizers, and that I was simply watching. Except suddenly, the "we" splits into "you" and "us", and there's three bodies where I was thinking of one. Now, I feel less responsibility. To be clear, I imagined children, but if someone else is covering them with a blanket and wrapping an arm around them, I suddenly feel like I have no purpose reading the poem -- they're already being taken care of, and I don't need to care about their trouble any more. That's just how I react to it. It takes me out of the poem, and I'm no longer invested.
So what you need to do is to consider that reaction, the reactions of other readers, and consider what images you were intending to communicate. This will help you decide whether and what to edit.
I also think you should reconsider the last line, as it doesn't make logical sense to me, and I think that such a strong beginning deserves a strong, logical ending. Maybe this is because I also guess that this poem is about the refugee situation, and I think I get the meaning that you're trying to convey -- what if the world were this way? -- but I want it to be a clear, bright ending if that's the way you want to take it.
Hopefully these comments make sense and are helpful. Feel free to ask questions or leave comments if you have any.
Thanks for sharing!
Hannah
Hey Lightsong!
This is an interesting piece of poetry because out of the blue you have used brackets. I'll move into details with that later on.
Content wise, you're playing with elements such as narratives and descriptives to reach out to your readers. You're making a sort of metaphoric comparison between us and the world, thus the significance of your title. As I see it, you discuss how nature and mankind are both quite harsh and calm to one another.
Grammar and Spelling is very well taken care of here. You've ensured that your readers can catch on your content very comfortably.
Structure wise, you've organized the content into stanzas of different number of lines. I've taken into notice that longer stanzas have descriptions in brackets. There should be no brackets in poetry, as you're given freedom to openly express the descriptions and narratives. It's a common rule in poetry and prose.
If content is good, so does your coherency. I can understand the chronological order of your poetry, from harsh attitude and conditions, to calm and relaxing environment and mood. I am able to see the connections you wanted to make. At the same time, you've created some sort of a plot twist with the last line of your poem. This is helping you engage your readers as they start thinking up scenarios for that line's meaning.
Literary Devices too are good. I am able to identify adjectives, metaphors, similes, and personification.
My personal rating for this work is 4.1/5
I add a "like" since your work got 80%+ from me!
I really like this piece of work. I think the structure is well planned and the content is impressive. I really enjoyed reading this piece of writing. The vocabulary is on a high level and it is clear to understand. The title perfectly fits. Continue writing
Hi there! I have a review for you. The title of your piece is perfect because right away, you separate you and the other person from the rest of the world as you do throughout the poem. I like the use of parenthesizes in this piece because it shows a transition at the point where the 'us' has moved away from the past. Your style itself has a good flow to it. The commas are placed well, but you could use a few more periods to create a break for the audience. Word choice is also excellent in this poem. I think that the imagery of the isolated place could be expanded on. From what I understand it's deserted and is on the sea. The connection between feelings and setting could be strengthened. It'c clear that alot of feeling and thought went into your work. My favorite line is
because it shows how the 'us' is looking past the sea of criticism and hate to something only they can see. This has a very beautiful theme to it. I really appreciate this poem. Thank you for the amazing read!