Hey I'm Gonna Look At Your Poem and Say Things
my body he made still like someone
struck with a spell.
So, this line breaks the flow rather early for me. You seem to have intentionally made the first stanza symmetrical in format, but the closing line is more a fragment, while the opener feels like finished thought. It might look prettier, but the words come first. Now, a bump to the flow is not inheriently bad, but it should be carefully placed, to highlight the words of the lines. In this case the bump would be best utilized before "struck" to better represent the speaker's stun.
The second stanza is solid, the flow is great, but a bit simple in the imagery. To capture the level affection the subject has on the Speaker, you might want to make the stanza a bit more vibrant, or add another brief one. Heartquake works and I love the combination, but the thought it conjures is a bit muddled. Still, it fits so snugly into the lines around it I would hesitate to advise change.
Able to bypass my hard-built skin.
The descriptors here are on the clunky side, and the line break isolating it really only serves to make it feel more out of place. Hard-Built sounds like its trying too hard not to be "Thick skinned" or similar sounding, which isn't a bad choice, but it feels forced in this iteration.
I assume of the previous line about lavender is in reference to plantations? Adding to it with the brown-black skin being considered "diseased", and some other bits picked up re-reads.
These aspects of the poem are standouts, but at the same time they're used too infrequently to make much sense early on. (I'll touch more on this when I talk about a later stanza, and the poem as a whole).
Me?
Almost fell to the ground
and exposed the black-brown disease
on my back.
Carries a similar issue to the first stanza. The ending line feels incomplete, feeling more like a run on sentence trying to disguise as two lines.
Ah! Now the next stanza is actually a great example of how to fix the problem in the last.
The thought runs on in a similar way, but it divides far more natural, each line feeling complete on its own. The second line especially, as the breaks around "Hoping" are perfect to emphasis the longing feel of the emotion.
You could easily make that a single word its own line, because in context it has far more power than any six letter word has business to. So, when I talk about a line feeling incomplete, it doesn't have to do with the length, but the content. Hoping itself may not be much, but it a complete thought in the context, because it conveys larger ideas, bringing action, emotion, and reflection. (A momentary pause, an acknowledgement of circumstance before pressing forward.)
Next two Stanzas pair toghther great, and also work fine on their own. The imagery of the shards is especially A+, but I'd make a slight change to
providing a warmth I had felt for the first time,
comforting me with his breath.
Nothing major, just the phrasing of the last line could flow better, some of the words are a filler; unneeded to get the image across. Example in this, off the cuff, edit:
"Providing a warmth I had felt for the first time,
His breath comforted me"
Cutting right to the action, and focusing on the Him, as he is the one taking action. (If the intent is to focus on the speaker's reaction more, then the same idea follows, just swap out the Him) (But as the stanza before cuts off the speaker with His actions, it would be more consistent to keep the stanza's focus on him)
Just gold sounds far smoother, but you could also go the other way and instead be more specific with the gold/valuables. But the S is awkward for the phrase.were more valuable than golds)
rescuing sticks out as rather bland among the much more interesting word choice s around it. Something like Grasping, Holding Close. Or the use of something that brings to mind an almost divine act. Anything that shows what the Speaker displays more of how the Speaker feels during the rescue.but his hand, rescuing me
The next stanza suffers a bit for the same reason, try to bring a bit more variety to the words.
I hesitate to comment on the Open Eye stanza, as until there is a bit more of an established mood in the previous stanza, it would be hard to make it not feel out of place. And it seems like the intention is to be jarring, but mood shifts like this should still be tethered to something.
The use of plantation/slave imagery does attach these lines to the rest, but they are a bit sparse and inconsistent at the moment to link this stanza properly.
While focusing on the imagery may defeat the intended mood whiplash of the Speaker returning to reality, some of the more simple lines could be opportunities to bring the Shackle-related themes into the poem more.
The the last stanza feels...forced? Sorry, its hard to pin down. The metaphor of a log splitting isn't a bad one, but the way its broken up makes it read like its setting up to compare to something else. Instead of imagery describing him, we get imagery of one thing he isn't. Sparkles in the eyes are a step close to that, but its a little generic, and not nearly connected enough to the previous lines. If there is a significance to his eyes, or to them sharing direct eye contact, then it needs to be established for the emotions to translate.
Overall: The poem is good, but the ride from point A to B can be a little bumpy at times, but they're not problems, just holes to go back and fill in on reflection. There is a lot of potential in the ideas you present here.
The use of repetition fits the tone of the poem well, the Speaker sounding similar to when someone is fixing/expanding on the details of a story lost in the memory of it. But towards the end, as the story moves from the more dreamy-locale to an actual location, it begins to hinder the poem. The focus of the poem is changing, but the format makes it feel like more of the same.
To go more into the Location note, its mostly the lack of specific descriptors that make it feel jarring when the scene changes in the blink of the Speaker's eyes.
When I say simple language, I mostly refer to the lines which use It followed by a rather bland action or adjective. Think of it as telling vs showing through the use of more expressive words.
Tying into this, I touched briefly on how that shackle line came a bit Out of Nowhere (especially on the first read), but you can use these simpler parts to add in stronger connections by making more use of words that appear to point toward slave/plantation-esque imagery
Most of it reads like it's taking place in brief moments which feel like a lifetime, using their love as an escape from their damned fate. However, without much focus on the location, the environment of that doomed fate, it's hard to feel the full weight on the reveal of the Shackle Stanza. Which is a great narrative, but it needs more focus to be properly told, and part of that requires settling the setting.
Have a Good One
Points: 4759
Reviews: 39
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