Young Writers Society

Hi! Here to try and review some poetry. I don't have a clue about poetry technique so we're going to go with reader reaction instead.

Stanza 1: Ok I lied, I don't know about writing poetry, but I do have some basic rules of thumb about prose! Which is, cut out extra words. Aggressively. I'm not sure if this messes up rhythm and cadence too much, but I'd cut the "indeed" and I'd condense "others' memory about its owners" to something more precise. Maybe something like "Even when the last breath blends with the world, others remember." I'm not a fan of the last sentence about Shakespeare; it doesn't feel like it fits well with the tone or something? Idk. Love the first sentence in the stanza though.

Stanza 2: Love the second sentence. I don't understand the imagery of a "blood spear," but I do like the following sentence. In the vein of cutting words, maybe I'd say, "...tool if immortality. I want it solidified into a weapon to parry injustice..."

Stanza 3: I like this one. I like the rope binding them. Not super sure I get the "strings of nerves." It's the nerves part that gets me, seems like it came out of nowhere.

Stanza 4: Possible cuts: "...colourful. So competitive, deciding who shines..."
I feel like the last little bit has some grammar issues? Maybe "blind" me OR "weakens" so the two verbs agree. Again not sure I get where the "nerve" comes from. I like the "weaken my own xxx light." It would probably resonate better with me if it were a different noun.

There you go! Hope there's something in there for you.

This is a very perceptive poem! You introduced some ideas, but didn't elaborate on how they related to the underlying message of your piece, which also harmed the structure of your details. Also, I would review your grammatical errors and correct them. In all, your poem is very well-written. You delivered its ideas very eloquently and incorporated great vocabulary.

Author's Note: In order to avoid using 'ink', 'sword', and 'firm spaghetti sticks', I decided to use 'elixir', 'spear', and 'strings of nerves' instead. I definitely wanted to use firm spaghetti sticks so much because it makes more sense in the sense of 'it's easier to break one than it is to break hundreds at once', but the image is decidedly will come off humorous.

Hi. My name is kman134 with are review.

"Writer's Elixer,
Prolongs lives."

I take it this is a reference to the elixir of life, which had been pursued by alchemists for thousands of years. To a writer, his works are his elixir of immortality. Brilliant symbolism.

"If Shakespear is here,
he will agree.
But I am not him.
I do not want my ink to be just a tool
of immortality.
It should be solidified, made into a blood spear.
A weapon to parry the injustice, the illusion society has imbedded into our minds"

the metaphorical expression for literary revolt was a nice touch. Like Marx or Orwell, their literary works changed the viewpoint we had of society, making us see the dystopian construct we were living under, fabricated by the lies and deceit our leaders have brought upon us. Though the structure of the stanzas is written well, it isn't as emotional as i thought.

Anyways, it's pretty good and hope to read more.