In the morning I went there and I did not stop;
I took things out of the store to set up the shop;
it was early, but I was drowned in sticky sweat,
so I hurried my job as fast as I could get.
The table fan spun uselessly as the air remained hot;
of times I cursed at my sad state and wiped my face a lot;
the sun passed by, I spent my time here far too long;
without a break, twelve-hours work felt cruel and wrong.
Everything didn’t change much in the silent night
as most of the time, the containers’ lids shut tight
and flavours in them were barely made beverage;
number of customers were below average.
I sold cold drinks alone at the pavement beside the road,
welcoming people made my voice become that of a toad;
the thought of little payment left me a bitter taste;
at last I left the shop, thinking it was all a waste.
A/N: I did this out of my fondness in rhymed poems... it's harder to make one than to read one! xD
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140,258 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
*ahem* I feel obligated to say something.
Hello!
Did you mean "at times?" Otherwise, I wouldn't know why you used "of." Also, I think that if you removed "at" after cursed. It would improve the rhythm.While this is listed under "realistic, dramatic," it made me chuckle. I think it was because even though you discuss your job, you put it into such a lilting rhyme scheme that it made everything less serious and more lighthearted.
Did you read this poem aloud to yourself? I suggest you do. I did it while I was reading it, and there were places in the meter that could be touched up. I know that you're a smart poet, so I'll let you look at it instead of telling you exactly where. Hint: I found some off meter in the last stanza.
This line is a bit awkward. Try "Nothing changed much" instead.
Maybe instead of "without a break," you could say "breakless?" It would sound better to me.
I think "in vain" would sound better than "uselessly" here.
To be honest, I usually really don't like rhymed poetry. I think that it changes the tone of things (this might have seemed more serious to me if it didn't rhyme), making them sunnier and more lighthearted than the author might have intended. Rhyme sometimes takes over a poem. While you kept the rhyme under control in this poem, I would be careful about it. Sometimes I think you allowed it to control the direction of the poem, as in the night stanza. It's the only one that you talk about night in, and I don't think that it does much for the poem other than continue the rhyme scheme.
Anyway, I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy review day, and happy writing, Lightsong! Continue writing rhymed poetry; practice, practice, practice!
Sick rhymes! Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyy
awtbeyders here. Apologies if my review isn't as on point or thorough like my other reviews. Just woke up and I'm a bit hungry, but let's dissect this anyway.
First stanza in, and I can already see a rhyme scheme that's also seen in other stanzas. This is a big plus. Then a syllable scheme. Another big plus.
Not much to complain about the first stanza. Though because of the big syllable scheme that it feels like you're adding in some syllables to fill in.
Second stanza, the syllable scheme's deviated from the first's 12-12-12-12, but it still stays close to those numbers. Other than that, not much.
Third stanza, back to the 12-12-12-12. Not much here.
Fourth stanza, not much to complain about either.
Overall, the only negative I could find about this one is that it sounds like prose just cut into lines and stanzas. At times, it doesn't even sound like a poem because of the way you add in syllables to keep it consistent.
I have to say, you did very nicely at this poem. That's all. Apologies if this review isn't on point, but I'm hungry.
Also, you triggered the shops rights activists with your description. You might get arrested for shop-bullying.
Hi, here is Abhipsa, just stopping by for a review.
First of all, I am very fond of writing rhyming poems so this one definitely caught my eye. I must say that you have done amazingly in that section.
There were some things that I found a bit misplaced though. Before going into all that, I want to ask you a question. Is English your first language? Actually after reading the title, the description and then the poem itself, I felt that it is not. So, if my guess is right, then you can improve your grammar, language and style. I mean, its never too late to learn, isn't it? And then all in proper time you can come up with better creativity.
If indeed I'm wrong and English is your first language, then I should just let you know about where you have made the mistakes.
In the first stanza, in the first line it ought to be "I went THERE" not "Here". Then in the third line it should be "I WAS drowned in sticky sweat".
Then in the last stanza, in the second line when you write "made" then "became is wrong". It should be "made my voice LIKE that of a toad". And in the third line, I don't think that your thoughts (present thoughts about future is what you mean probably. That's what I gather from your style of the poem. The man is thinking about the little amount of money that he is going to get at the end of a hard day.) can have LEFT you a bitter taste. They SHALL LEAVE you in such a state, in the future.
The grammar part done, we now come to the style of the poem. That was quite unclear for me. See I can't type all, how exactly and which are the places, but let me shorten it. The thing is that the time is yet unclear for me. Sometimes you make it sound present and then sometimes past. So is the man currently working in his shop or he is just telling about his past? Then the third stanza is very much puzzling. I couldn't understand it much. The thing is that I don't think cold-drinks are sold at night...
But apart from that, your work is great. Its got real facts and emotions.
So,
keep writing and delighting your readers!
Thanks for the review! Yup, English isn't my first language.
I intended the description to be like that because it was like someone saying something in a cute manner. It wasn't the real description, of course.
I think it's my verb that made you confused about the tense. It's all in past tense, so I've fixed the verbs. Thanks for the grammar nitpicks tho!
It was a pleasure!