I live under summer’s mercy
but no matter how much my skin profits from sun’s warmth
no matter how much heat which I have been adapted to
my heart longs for winter’s cold
and the snow (how it seduces me to take a risk)
and gentle bites and vapour breaths
but
the weather demands surrender (not payment)
and until I accept the cost I will stay
afire.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,262 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Cheers! It's amazing how you were able to convert a simple theme into a near perfect poetry.
Just one thing that struck me was your usage of brackets.
Also, try using a bit more punctuations in your literary works
All in all,Good job
Light!
Oi, that present perfect continuous tense is a real booger xD The choice of tense is fine as it implies a continuation of the sun's wamrth, but that jarring instance in flow compromises the whole line, in my opinion. It's up to you and the subtle meaning you want to keep, if you decide to go past perfect (my recommendation) : no matter how much heat I've adapted to. (Don't let anyone say you can't end a sentence with a preposition, they are LIARS xD)
If you decide to go continuous: the conjugation is off. Subject in line 4 being first-person "I", as in the person adapting refering to your speaker, so it should be "I have been". Had the tense been passive, with subject "it/he/she" refering to warmth or sun, then 'has been' would apply. I hope that clarifies a bit xD
Grammar aside, I really love some of these intriguing syntaxes and word choices here. The choice of keeping summer and sun as Proper things as though dieties, I enjoyed. The "demands / profits / surrender / risk /cost / payment" word choices, that framing of an almost capitalistic weather connection here is SO cool and I wanted a bit more of a tie-in, like, the connection is made but not much else is done WITH it. It is as though a weapon is created but not acted upon, I say weapon because I feel the metaphor and perspective is unique and original, I've never thought of it before and in many ways I see it vividly, however seeing it is not enough, the whys and the hows if answered and accounted for can provide a powerful punch to this imagery. I loved it though, how in the simplest and most precise of ways it really adds a certain spice and tension to the piece. C: The afire soul is always a satisfying ending, even if cliche at times, I still enjoyed myself.
Though its worth considering clarifying your meaning in that last stanza as it seems the lines "weather demands surrender (not payment)"
And your line: "I will stay afire", these ideas are assumed to be connected, but it is not getting across to me completely or as tightly. It may just be missing a simple beat. Almost like you're saying A [?] B = C. I get the general picture, but I want to know if you are adding, subtracting, multiplying or dividing? It is unclear, how are you tying these ideas together? c: I can talk this out if you want.
Hopes this helps!
~ As always Audy
Thanks for the review!
I've been meaning to ask for a third opinion.
This poem is quite literal, actually. The speaker lives in a tropical country, hot weather in that, and wants to experience winter and the snow it brings. Temporary experience requires payment, but to actually have permanency requires surrender... because despite his words that he's used to summer (which is actually not one of the four seasons, just a noun to describe a hot weather) he's actually burning slowly by the darkening of his skin (too much exposure to sun).
It's interesting to find someone sees the deeper meaning between the weathers because of that. xD
Thanks for the grammar and flow advice, I'm most lacking at those aspects.
Hi! Okay, this was honestly a really good poem. I like it a lot, especially the fact it isn't based on overdone themes or uses a trite rhyme pattern to support it (coming from someone who does all of that ... oops)
You really are a great writer though. Keep up the good work!
Really the only criticism I can think of is in agreement with Frinderman. I know poetry doesn't need punctuation, but I think the piece could benefit from a little, even if it's just a comma here and there to reinforce the flow of it. Also, sometimes your word choice seems questionable. Like in the third line "no matter how much heat to which I has been adapted", I feel like there is a better way to phrase it, through a complete re-write or just changing the "which I has been" part. My last nit-picky comment is just to watch your lack of capitalization.
Adding capitalization at the beginning of either all the lines or even just certain ones would only help to reinforce the natural pace of the poem, just like the punctuation.
I'm sorry, I really hope I didn't come off as rude or anything. I truly did enjoy your writing, just thought it could be improved a bit. If it makes you feel better, you can check my poem Limerence and see how I got chewed out on it
I enjoyed this poem a lot, I liked the interesting theme of it (At least I thought it was).
As far as criticism, there are only a few suggestions I would like to make.
For one, try using more punctuation. Try adding commas and periods.
Another point, it may just be me but I found the brackets oddly used, at least, for the flow of the poem.
That's about it for my criticism. Great poem though!
Have a great day. ^-^