he was flesh and bones
came together with the aid of life energy.
when he achieved the ability to expand his thinking
into intricate branches, he wondered.
something that is invisible and yet there,
caged by the seal of his mouth and the stillness of his body
should be harmless.
he called it a beast when it poured out of him
like lava erupting from a mountain.
it flowed, and you could see it from his gestures
and his voice and his eyes.
all around it was fire and smoke.
air that wasn't air but poison. and so, he declared.
this is me. what you have seen before
was a golden puppet. he turned into a horse
and took the rein of his life. he knew himself
as clear as looking at his reflection on the mirror.
better than you did, since what you saw
was nothing but your expectation and desire.
this creature knew a place to prosper.
turned into a flower in a garden where
sunlight and air and soil was his life.
and look! he found a rose, a potential friend.
you wondered what was wrong with the caterpillars
you gave to him.
thank you, he said to you. for the wisdom
paid by my freedom. thank you
for your lens to make me see the world
as hell and heaven and something in between
that could not be avoided, but embraced.
you dreaded for his final word, but he didn't care.
you are unneeded.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
These first to lines are kind of awkward, specifically the second with "came together" and "life energy". It could potentially be a good start to the poem if the wording wasn't so awkward with it.
One of the first things that I found about the poem was the use of "he" and we don't really know who he is. Is "he" also the speaker or is the speaker simply there to tell it, because it does get confusing on who is doing what, especially at the end where you use "you", which was a bit confusing to me because then you direct it to what seems to be the reader.
The style that you use feels like a narrative and I felt that the imagery was there but it did sort of throw me off. I felt as if the imagery in the poem was there, but it could have been expanded on. It sort of creates the illusion that it is heavy with imagery, but I felt as if I wanted to know more about how the beast looked and sounded and smelled and tasted and felt. Everything. Well, not everything. Mix and match with the senses that you decide to describe.
The clarity in this poem was foggy for me. What I got out of it was that "he" had a beast inside of him and the "you" was a person who was judging the person and that there wasn't a beast, but perhaps there was actually a literal beast? There's some sort of judging going on of "him", but I couldn't quite interpret more than that, and I think it would be good if you clarified better. Maybe it was just me who thought that, but maybe not.
The imagery itself in the poem didn't really do anything special for me, coming back to it. There was no expanding or details that really caught my attention, and it kind of glossed over things. And I know that you can describe more and deeper than that, so that's kind of why I was disappointed by what was here.
There was a lot in italics and it kind of interrupted the actual poem and it took over throughout the poem rather than the actual content. For me most of it, or at least some of it, felt like filler and was fluff that didn't exactly need to be there or could have been established in something with less but stronger lines. It just dragged on, and I'm not saying to completely abandon it, I'm just suggesting you trim it, things like the second to last stanza in specifics.
I hope this helped and have a great day!
I've got to say you had lost me in the final stanzas I was not too sure what you were on about but i'll attempt to comment anyway seeing as you've been reviewless up until now (probobly for the same reason haha)
The first stanza was very intriguing, to me at least, and all I had pictured upon first glance was the idea of some sort of frankenstein being which I felt may have been viable seeing as holloween is just around the corner from now.
My first thoughts were certainly continued into the second stanza, I'd also like to point out your use of commas is very well done it really showed the certainty of the narrator as he describes what is going on and your use of Italics to demonstrate important lore if you will. Your use of metaphors however could be a little self explanitory, The easier to understand the poem the more reviews you will get as we will be able to comment more confidently on your work and actually help you build on your poetry skills.
This is certainly well written however I feel I would be able to write much more on the actually content and body of the poem rather then your grammar and general flow, Maybe next time just build on those (or don't) and I look forward to seeing any changes or future work but for now, Cheers.