A ball of sunlight strikes your ribcage
and turns it into a swirling tornado
rising to your esophagus. It rebels
towards the narrow tunnel, demanding
the path to be turn to a space as vast as
the galaxy. The birds chirp and the
crickets sing the song of the wild.
Your eyes bulge out like a heart
struggling to escape, caged within
a gray skull created from the starting
of time. The grand meaning of events
is hidden within these words, within
these man-made way of linking souls.
As the wise woman says, ‘It is a soul
made tangible: colourful butterflies,
caged beasts, the farthest of shadow,
but above all, it is a tool, a weapon,
a device which fools our eyes and plays
with our brains.’
The third of everything is always the
luckiest; this is a fabrication, as the fourth
is the piece you are looking for; the magic pierces
through these twisting letters. The grand
meaning of events is a lie. It is the way the gods
humour themselves. The joke is on you.
Thank you for reading.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Heya, LightSong! Casanova here to review your poem!
Okay, I have no corrections on anything major- and you're a much better poet than I(that's obvious) So I guess the only thing I can talk about here is style preferences.
I'm not sure if you /have/ to do this- but it's something I've been scolded for. Putting a,"~," to break apart the stanzas or whatever. That's one thing.
Another is the flow of it- it seems a bit choppy to me. This is a personal thing, but something that grabbed my attention.
The next thing I noticed was the imagery- it's simply superb. I mean, props man. It's wonderful.
Example:
" ball of sunlight strikes your ribcage
and turns it into a swirling tornado
rising to your esophagus"
You really know how to envision what you want, put it in words, and format it in a way that is extremely breathtaking. Props for that yo.
Over all- I have nothing actually bad to say about this poem. Is there room for improvement? Yes, but there always is. If everything we wrote was perfect then we wouldn't be entertained by it, now would?
Anyway- props to you man. Really well written, great imagery, absolutely amazing.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely- Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Wow. Just....wow. That was deep.
Anyway, I just wanted to get that across. Hey, I'm Akelia. Time for a review! I thought this was rather cool, I liked the way you twisted the words to mean what you wanted them to. Very descriptive, that was very good.
I did see a few grammatical mistakes. You didn't use punctuation as much as could be used, at the end of different lines. Also, a lot of the sentences ended mid-line, which is not to good in poetry.
Anyway, besides that, good job! Keep writing!
-Akelia Taske