Dude, good job.
I really like how you're incorporating the momentary spats of haiku with this poem. You're taking just a moment here, a moment there, and building them into the poem. The difference between that and a Haiku, you don't have a turn in those moments, the turn is the rest of the poem. I can't say that the turn you have at the end, with "I think therefore I am" really hit that hard for me though because I didn't really see the relationship so well to the rest of it.
Okay, so here's what I mean, you're talking about a lot of things in the beginning of the poem, a lot of moments in time, but I don't see the support for the idea that a person's existence could be denied by everyone around him, I just see those moments. I think it's probably because you hid things in there like "laughing and ignoring" rather than delving into what it feels like to be ignored. You're doing a great job with your imagery, but there's no foreshadowing in this poem that supports what you're trying to get at.
I think part of it might be what you choose to talk about with your images because they're so much stronger than when you're discussing the actual poem. It's there, but it's on the back burner despite being at the top of the stanzas because you're not using metaphor, you're using imagery.
This poem as itself is really good, and I don't think I'd recommend changing it, I just think I'd play around with the idea again, write another poem with the same theme, the same idea, and when you do that one, try to work in more metaphor with your imagery, even simile as blunt as it is. At the very least it'll give you another really good poem, and at the most, it might make me cry <3
Aley
Points: 1883
Reviews: 806
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