He was incapable of thinking;
a foreign idea to him
like snow in Southeast countries,
or sun emerging
from the West.
There was a philosopher’s phrase
I had once read.
It related to him—who clawed
at something invisible—but
I couldn’t recall how;
the phrase was lost to me.
His torn shirt,
a generosity from a stranger
(could family be one?);
his feet bare, his toenails
filled with black dirt;
days walking under the scorching
sun on the rough tar
punished with blisters
on the soles.
Couple of teenagers
passed by,
laughing and ignoring
his inconceivable words,
oblivious to his state
—a stray cat desperate for food;
a dying fish in the net.
They came to me then
a streak of tears and a flash
of miserable understanding—
I think, therefore I am
( a sad reverse).
Existence denied not
by one own self
but others.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Dude, good job.
I really like how you're incorporating the momentary spats of haiku with this poem. You're taking just a moment here, a moment there, and building them into the poem. The difference between that and a Haiku, you don't have a turn in those moments, the turn is the rest of the poem. I can't say that the turn you have at the end, with "I think therefore I am" really hit that hard for me though because I didn't really see the relationship so well to the rest of it.
Okay, so here's what I mean, you're talking about a lot of things in the beginning of the poem, a lot of moments in time, but I don't see the support for the idea that a person's existence could be denied by everyone around him, I just see those moments. I think it's probably because you hid things in there like "laughing and ignoring" rather than delving into what it feels like to be ignored. You're doing a great job with your imagery, but there's no foreshadowing in this poem that supports what you're trying to get at.
I think part of it might be what you choose to talk about with your images because they're so much stronger than when you're discussing the actual poem. It's there, but it's on the back burner despite being at the top of the stanzas because you're not using metaphor, you're using imagery.
This poem as itself is really good, and I don't think I'd recommend changing it, I just think I'd play around with the idea again, write another poem with the same theme, the same idea, and when you do that one, try to work in more metaphor with your imagery, even simile as blunt as it is. At the very least it'll give you another really good poem, and at the most, it might make me cry <3
Aley
Hello there, Lightsong!!
This is Eros here to write a review for this beautiful piece of poetry!!
Hmm...so let us start with the title. It was really attractive and catchy, and captivating. These are all, the characters of a very good title. So, the Title is apt and appropiate, and it attracted my eyes, and I wanted to peep inside to see what does it speaks about.
The next thing which I would like to say about, is the theme of the poem. I liked the theme because of it's uniqueness. I liked the main idea of the poem which forms the basis of this beautiful piece of poetry.
The next thing is the stanzas. Here again, I found the uniqueness. The stanzas were short which makes the poem sweet. I liked this. There is also, a good link in between the stanzas. It was a whole pathway which giuded us, the reader through the poem and learning and understanding them and alo understanding the meaning and thoughts behind them.
The next thing is the flow of the poem. The poem flows very well. No doubts here also.
Then let us come to the style of writing. Your style of writing was very unique for it's simple words and easy-to-understand language. No grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes could be spotted here. The sentence construction too, is proper and very good. Influensive style of writing, you have.
So, overall, it was a beautiful piece...
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such awesome works like this one!!
Have a great day/night/evening!!
The theme of this is absolutely fantastic, and you chose a great way to portray that them. However,
I'm not going to lie, the wording of this is relatively confusing to follow, at least for me. It seems like a
brilliant works and there is clearly a fantastic image to be created from this work, however I feel for
it to be at its best a change in some wording and diction is in order.