Young Writers Society

This is Kaos here for a review!

So I always like to see attempts at prose poetry, and this is no exception. Jumping right into the poem, it seems to suffer from what a lot of prose poetry happens to end up doing, and that's that it starts to self-indulge a lot and it starts to ramble on and on that we don't really get to see much else outside of that. Sure, we get the third stanza that talks about what seems to be the significant other in the poem, but not much else. I can agree that this poem happens to fall into something that is "emo" and we'll jump right into that with the first stanza, but first, some explanation of what I mean by it rambling. The only thing that really comes out of the poem happens to be the thoughts of the speaker and we don't see outside of this, which is what's called navel-gazing. I'm going to leave a link to an article that I've found to be helpful, which is here: Navel-gazing

We jump into the first stanza and I would have liked to see more of the process of the speaker "clawing into their heart" rather than just one line of it. I liked the imagery that you gave off there but it's weak at connecting to the other stanzas, I think. The second stanza kicks off with the speaker feeling like their body is a prison and everything of that sort. I liked the part about the resuscitator, but the wording in the second stanza could use some help as well as the flow.

The poem in general feels a little awkward in its flow and it starts to feel choppy. It would be beneficial if you focused more on fixing this and the wording so that the poem gets along clearer. The imagery is something that I liked in the poem and I didn't really have too much of a problem with it, but the execution as a whole didn't really strike me as something really powerful with the ending line feeling just sort of generic and nothing more. Focus on the flow of the poem and the rest will sprout out from there.

Hello Sir Light, I don't think I've reviewed any of your works before, let's go. You labelled this as poetry, it sort of borders on prose/poetry but anyways. I feel like this piece would have actually worked better, if you did it in the standard stanza form partially because you can play around with line length, rhythm whereas if you put it in paragraph form less room to explore.

The general mood here I think you have achieved, a sense of asphyxiation, your word choices combined with the well-placed fullstops I think contributes to the sense that the narrators's breath is being constantly truncated. That being said, whilst I read this, something felt lacking. You have some wonderful, evocative lines here

I could see its beating but not its sound and yet others in the house could.

It went back to where it belonged and yet, I was still suffocated.

Very powerful piece! I love the way you speak of mans internalization of social ideals to the point that his own physical autonomy comes into question. raises very important questions about truth, freedom and originality. Incredibly well illustrated point!