Running down the concrete sidewalk, I let the music beat in my ears. I was taking up jogging, every morning. Not that I really needed it, I was as skinny as a twig. But, it's good cardio. My feet hit the ground with a light touch, as if I were flying instead of jogging.
My arms were swaying on my sides, hands shaped into a fist. Barely anybody was outside --so I calmly ran down my block, taking in the tall green trees, tons of plants around me. Sprinklers were on, hitting the grass and sidewalk with it's water. It stood in front of me, about five feet away. Since the weather was steaming hot outside, I decided, why not? So, I ran into the water, feeling the trickling of cold water hit my skin in relief. Shutting my eyes, I smiled, spinning in the shower of water going up and down me.
Yeah, I had an iPod on me, but it was safe in my pocket, so no damage can be done at all.
I didn't even know how long I was standing there, taking in the coldness until someone called out to me.
"Hey! You enjoying that, huh?" A guy said, voice deep enough to be Severus Snape's.
I opened my eyes in shock, standing as still as a, well, twig. My iPod shut off, signaling battery loss.
"Yeah, I'm sorry." I smiled apologetically.
He looked familiar, but he was standing to far away for me to recognize him. My eye site wasn't the best you see, I was near sited.
Once he stepped a little closer and I walked away from the sprinkler, I saw him more clearly as my heart just skipped about five hundred beats faster.
"Hey Jason," I sighed, "I didn't know you live here," I pointed at the small brick house next to us.
"Well, I don't, but my aunt does." he explained.
"Mhm," I hummed.
Pulling out my earphones, I slid them into my pocket. That's when I noticed how wet I really was. My shirt was soaken wet, my blue and white stripped bra seeping through my white shirt.
"So, you like using other people's sprinklers?" he asked.
My cheeks grew red as I looked up at him, his brown eyes showing confusion.
"Yes, I always jump into other people's sprinklers 'cause I don't have my own," I said sarcastically.
He chuckled, "Well, obviously."
His brown hair went over his forehead in a swoop, like Mitchel Musso's hair, but brown. I wasn't the type to like guys by their muscles or attire, I fell for the hair. Crazy, huh?
"Right..." I rolled my eyes, placing my hand on my hip.
"You took up jogging?"
"Yup," I popped the "P" at the end.
He came up closer and my breathing was speeding up. Dammit, why does this always happen to me?!
"Sounds fun," he said, questionably.
"Uh, I just started, so, yeah. It's not really fun, how is your summer so far?" I asked.
My ponytail was swaying in the wind as it picked up. I took him in, white, baggy T-Shirt, short jeans and black flip flops. I, for one, didn't look that attractive this morning --baggy short sweat pants that hit my knee, white T-shirt and black AirWalk shoes.
"It's great! I went to about a couple concerts so far, my paintings were in an art show last weekend. I BMX'ed all over Downtown..." he said.
"That's amazing, your paintings were in an art show?"
He smiled, white teeth glistening from the sun.
"Yeah, a couple of people bought my art work. They said my paintings were the best in the city!" his voice sounded so happy, I wanted to tear up from the happiness he's spreading.
"Wow, I don't know what to say, it's just amazing." I sighed.
"Thanks, I never thought you liked art so much,"
My whole body was heating up from the intense heat this weather was giving off. I wondered how he could handle it. I somehow could since I am still wet, but drying up second by second.
"I do! I told you this already!"
"Come on, you? Cat?"
"Yes, me Cat,"
I took a big gulp of my water from the thermos I was holding. It was strapped to my belt buckle for safety.
"Actually, you do write... so yeah, I guess you're right." he admitted.
"Of course I am, I know myself,"
Closing my thermos, I put it back on my belt buckle. He seemed to be some kind of cold blooded creature of some sort. He was sweating and he didn't seem, I don't know, burning hot.
"So, how was your summer?" he asked after a short pause.
"Uh, let's just say it was okay."
"Why?"
"Well, I quit my job. Now my family is, well, poor. They are forcing me to get a new job even though I truly don't want one, that's why I quit my old one in the first place. And who knows if we are moving soon." I spit out with no hesitation.
What the heck?! I never did that, admit to someone the truth.
"Wow, sounds, crazy."
"Yeah,"
"Hey, look at the bright side, if you get a new job, your family won't be picking on you that they are poor. And you'll have money for yourself." he tried to make me smile.
It worked in a heart beat. He smiled right back, pushing his hands into his jean pockets. I'm telling you, he just might be cold blooded.
"Yeah, that's true," I sighed.
"It's really hot out here, how could you jog in this heat?" he asked out of no where.
Either he was pretending that it was cold, or he was pretending it was hot. But it was hot, it just didn't seem to effect this guy.
"Really, I jog five minutes, to not get some sort of heat stroke. This little interaction elongated it." I explained.
"Mhm, sorry then."
"It's okay, I gotta go, sorry." I smiled apologetically.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,425 Literary Works • 672,010 Reviews
Hello! I take it this is part one of a story? Not sure, but here's what I have to say about it.
"Well, I quit my job. Now my family is, well, poor. They are forcing me to get a new job even though I truly don't want one, that's why I quit my old one in the first place. And who knows if we are moving soon." I spit out with no hesitation.
Also, I think you should add some sort of hook to the end. Make the reader want to keep going!
This is an interesting story. You've got some nice details, a bit of intrigue... I would, however, suggest describing your environment some more. Make the reader go there by using all 5 senses- how does it smell like? What's the heat like on your skin? What does it feel to have your sneakers hitting that hot pavement?
I do also have to say, I agree with the others about some things. This seems a little bland. It's just two characters talking about general things when you get down to it. Work it! Make it spicy!
Hook us in and keep on going- Codex.
Very good! I enjoyed this a lot!! The first part was really good
Hey there,
Sorry to be harsh, but I do agree with the other guys. This story was kind of bland, it's like..what happened? You should add something unusual, or some emotional drama or something interesting. Maybe these guys used to date and this is one of their meetings after the break up? Or something?
I struck that sentence out, cause it's kinda vain, and it sounds like you're trying to tell the reader what the character looks like. Show that she's skinny in another way. Maybe have Jason tell her she doesn't need the exercise
The Ipod sentence is unnecessary, and is coldness even a word?
This should be:
Woah woah woah, wha??? We don't know how close she is with this guy. We don't know her relationship with him. So far, they're just talking, and she seems to have a little crush on him, I think tearing up from the happiness he's spreading is a little extreme.
Again, over dramatization. I didn't feel what they were feeling. I didn't feel happy for Jason. You didn't make me like him enough to care about his artwork. Show his eyes twinkling. Show a smile lighting up his face. Make him tell her that the toughest critic ever actually liked his work. Emotion, emotion, emotion.
You didn't make us like the characters
Hey there, Nike.
So I think I sort of get the point of your little story here. Though I'm not exactly sure I could really call it a story. It seemed more so of an interaction between two characters. There wasn't really much else to fall back on besides that. I knew not much of either character really, which is sort of a shame because it didn't allow me any persuasion for the conversation being held. When you ended this, there was also no real big point to it all, which I found somewhat dissappointing.
I would have liked to have seen a little more going on than what you have here. Which is simply a conversation between two people who know each other. It was almost as if I was sitting inside of the conversation as an awkward third party. I wasn't too sure of the point, which is my only real issue I guess. I would insert something - anything - that would allow this to share sone kind of bigger relevant point. How do these two people know each other? What is their history together? It seems like this girl likes this boy, as it is obviously hinted at many times over. Why does she like him? Does he like her? Those are things that would have probably made this a little bit more intrigueing to read, had you included it.
There were quite a few grammatical/pubctuational things I was noticing throughout my read. As you know, these errors can be a little distracting. I'd like to see you go back through this with a fine tooth comb and smooth out some of the rougher corners as well. You had a habit of repeating words back to back in sentences as well. Like here for example:
You repeated the word water too many times in just this fraction ofthe story. My advice, synonyms will probably be your best friend! They'll truly help you to move through your sentences with greater ease and the result will be a smoother flow in your story. So find a thesaurus and make friends with it! x)
Also, one other littler thing that I wanted to point out. In the story you mention your character joggning on a scorching hot day. So she goes through the sprinklers to cool off. This sounds refreshing. Then as she's talking to this boy she knows, you mention her drinking water from her thermos. D: A thermos? Really? I think you meant water bottle. Or canteen. A thermos is used to keep things warm. Things like hot chocolate, coffee, soup. I'd change the word there. It just sounds odd.
Anyway, enough of me being all nitpicky. Your writing overall was pretty neat and conprehendable. I think you may want to step up your game just a little bit with the point to the scene though. o.O
-Smylin'
It was an ok story. The characters were a little 2-D. I would have loved it more if you explained Jason more. Maybe something about him as an artist or something. The characters lacked depth. There was also many grammar mistakes. Let me point out a few:
I know this was already pointed out. I just wanted to say that the sentance does flow a lot better without the comma.
I would get rid of the but and the comma. Sentences should rarley start with a but. The sentence would still make sense if you said "It's good cardio". The use of the but is unneccesary.
There are two things in this sentence I would change.
1. Instead of the word "swaying" I would use something like "pumping" or "swinging". It makes more sense in a running context.
2. At the end of this sentence, the combination of the words "hands shaped into a fist" just does not work. Hands is plural so your description must be plural whereas "shaped into a fist" is singular. Instead "hands curled into fists". It flows properly.
This sentence doesn't flow well. I can't really think of a way to change it. It bothers me....
I cannot stand it when people say "so, yeah"! It drives me mental! If it was changed to something like "Uh, I just started, so no not really" or something I would be much happier.
The mistakes were simple (and even simpler to fix). I think with a little work this story could be great! Keep writing!
This was okay, because I could relate to the protagonist. Otherwise, it was rather predictable (like the other commentor) said. You could make the characters more interesting. This story was really bland. Good luck
Bonjour mon ami!
First off, I want to talk to you about your grammar. There was a few issues I found within it that you should work on. Many of them are the same things I am prone to too. First I want to talk to you about is your comma usage. The most common problem I found was that you would use the commas in places that they aren't necessary, or that you wanted some kind of pause to be there when it was read. I do the same thing because I like to write for the dramatic. Though many of the times, it took away from your writing. If you don't have to have a comma, don't have it. Two great examples of this were these:
and:
You see, when you write and use a comma, the reader reads it as a pause. That is not bad, but too many commas make it almost difficult to read because it reduces the flow of the piece. You are fond of shorter sentences, and especially with those, you have to watch your commas. It took away from the effect of your piece. It can easily be fixed. Just skim through your piece and just take em out if it makes sense.
Then there was the other big grammar problem and that was your dialogue punctuation. You aren't as bad as some of the people I have seen and I know I was quite worse then you once upon a time.
Sentences like these it should be a comma. If the sentence after the dialogue is describing how it was spoken, then you have to use a comma instead of a period, unless other punctuation like question marks or exclamation points. That includes words like 'said'. Though it has to affect it directly. You could find a sentence after one that appears like this; 'She had spoken those words softly'. In that case you keep that period. The other thing you need to make sure of is that you capitalize the sentences after the dialogue if it does indeed end in a period or other punctuation. As long as it isn't a comma.
Another thing you need to do is make sure you proof read carefully. Or else you may find things like this:
'Site' is not the right word you need. You are supposed to use the word 'sight'. It is the same with the 'near sited'. That is supposed to be 'near-sighted'. There was other mistakes that could also be picked up with a good proof-reading. Just make sure you do that.
Now overall, there isn't much I can say about the piece. It was predictable and nothing was that special about it. Not much characterization was seen throughout the piece and the boy seems like one of those cliche perfect boys. But I don't know much about the piece. If you continue it, which this story seems to make it seem like you are going to, I would make sure you make it special. Make the characters different, and add your own spin to the standard teenage romance stories.
Keep up the good work.